GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Lyse"A child is born who will be a champion
9 total reviews
Comment from Alexander Vasa
I like the dialogue between Lyse and Joshua is very good, their relationship unfolds. I like this story, it moves at a good pace, holding your attention. You have good narration skills, also.
The only thing I noticed is a suggestion only. The sentence below is almost a run on sentence (I am a succer for a run on, by the way, LOL) and you could fix it up just be leaving out the last few words.
he convinced the council and the people(.) (that it was so - this could be lopped off without detracting from the narrative.) Augdon shook his head in obvious disgust.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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I like the dialogue between Lyse and Joshua is very good, their relationship unfolds. I like this story, it moves at a good pace, holding your attention. You have good narration skills, also.
The only thing I noticed is a suggestion only. The sentence below is almost a run on sentence (I am a succer for a run on, by the way, LOL) and you could fix it up just be leaving out the last few words.
he convinced the council and the people(.) (that it was so - this could be lopped off without detracting from the narrative.) Augdon shook his head in obvious disgust.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thank you dear, I will look at that sentence. Thanks for taking time to read and for the help and star. Have a good day =}
Comment from nancy_e_davis
What an imagination you have Roxanna. I enjoyed the chapter very much and I thought it had great imagery. I did find one spag.
Joshua agreed, he had not thought of Lyse much in the passed,[past]
Well done, looking forward to more. Nancy
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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What an imagination you have Roxanna. I enjoyed the chapter very much and I thought it had great imagery. I did find one spag.
Joshua agreed, he had not thought of Lyse much in the passed,[past]
Well done, looking forward to more. Nancy
Comment Written 15-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much. I'm surprised you didn't find many more spag. I don't know why I can't see these things. I'm thinking of having my sister read them over, but not sure I want her to see what I'm writing. Don't know why. Anyway, thanks so much. dear.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Plenty of emotions and imagery used throughout the telling of this chapter. Ending lends to several scenarios you could travel this story in from this point forward.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Plenty of emotions and imagery used throughout the telling of this chapter. Ending lends to several scenarios you could travel this story in from this point forward.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Thank you. I'm hoping to make it a bit more exciting with the next few chapters.
Comment from Harry Smith
Great picture selection for a very well written chapter that is full of imagery and emotions. The reader really enjoyed the read and will be returning to read more.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Great picture selection for a very well written chapter that is full of imagery and emotions. The reader really enjoyed the read and will be returning to read more.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much Harry.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Love it! I'd love a pet dragon, lol, save me a fortune in petrol! lol. How lovely that Lyse is a dark one, and even better, that Joshua and Lyse are beginning to have feelings for each other. I can't wait for his mother to come too. How cruel were the leaders of Wahaland to cast out babies because they had dark hair. I'm glad Joshua's uncles weren't like that. Another wonderful part of your story! Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Love it! I'd love a pet dragon, lol, save me a fortune in petrol! lol. How lovely that Lyse is a dark one, and even better, that Joshua and Lyse are beginning to have feelings for each other. I can't wait for his mother to come too. How cruel were the leaders of Wahaland to cast out babies because they had dark hair. I'm glad Joshua's uncles weren't like that. Another wonderful part of your story! Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 15-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Thank you dear. I hope to make it a bit more exciting with the next few chapters. Poor Joshua is going to learn many things he never knew. =} Thanks again. Rox
Comment from Mistydawn
It sounds like the two are a bit smitten with each other. So I hope Joshua can prove he's fit to be lye's husband.This is a very interesting chapter. It drew me in from the start and kept my attention to the end. It's well written great description the characters really came to life and the dialogue seems natural.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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It sounds like the two are a bit smitten with each other. So I hope Joshua can prove he's fit to be lye's husband.This is a very interesting chapter. It drew me in from the start and kept my attention to the end. It's well written great description the characters really came to life and the dialogue seems natural.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2018
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Yes they are. Isn't young love wonderful? =} I hope the next few chapter will be more exciting. It is almost time for much action.=} Thank you for the 6 stars. Rpx
Comment from poetwatch
You have a good story. It has a few mistakes, but overall it is interesting and I like it. I read the one before. At the beginning you have, "sinse" in believe you mean (since) Then further down the road you wrote, "He road to Wahaland" I think you mean (rode) This line is off, "After that we kept watch, yes. Over your mother as well." get rid of the period. I'm an Etsy shopper I buy watch parts.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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You have a good story. It has a few mistakes, but overall it is interesting and I like it. I read the one before. At the beginning you have, "sinse" in believe you mean (since) Then further down the road you wrote, "He road to Wahaland" I think you mean (rode) This line is off, "After that we kept watch, yes. Over your mother as well." get rid of the period. I'm an Etsy shopper I buy watch parts.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the helps. I can read it 100x and never see these errors, which I do. I am so sick of this chapter. =} One of my reviews usually gives me like 3 pages of errors, but he hasn't done it lately. Poor man is no doubt sick of me too. =} I have fixed the errors you told me about, thank you.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxana,
I'm really enjoying your story which appears well planned with an interesting storyline.
Perhaps do another read through and run spell check though as for spelling errors or typos.
Blessings
Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Hi Roxana,
I'm really enjoying your story which appears well planned with an interesting storyline.
Perhaps do another read through and run spell check though as for spelling errors or typos.
Blessings
Shirley
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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I did spell check it showed nothing and most of the time it doesn't make the changes. I don't know why. I have read it over like 50x at least, I just don't see them. The guy who tells me all me errors has quit reading my stuff. I think he got sick of it. =} Poor thing, he usually had like 3 pages of typos, well usually I forget the r on you and an s and an ed I'm terrible about that. Sometimes I will read over an email I sent someone and wonder how in the world they knew what I was even saying. =} Maybe I have some kind of illness that I don't see these things. I'll call it Typosis. =} Thanks so much Shirley. Rox
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would you like me to send the ones I was speaking about?
:-)
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Sorry I took so long to replay, my internet went out. No that's okay. I have gone over it again hope I found them. Thank you anyway.
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Hi Roxxanna,
I didn't mean to offend. I am sure you have found them. They were mostly little mistakes that happen when you write quickly and you catch when you edit.
It is such a good story and I wish you success.
😊
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You didn't offend at all. Sorry if I sounded that way, didn't mean to. I think I have gotten them all, I hope.
I have a terrible time seeing my own errors. My emails are awful, poor people who get them. =} Thank you for your help and great review. I do appreciate it.
Comment from Swampfox1
I was going to give you six stars but found an error. The sentence "and it was some months sense Joshua had last seen her. " has a misspelled word. It should have been since. Then there is a cross with letters with the word in this sentence "eyes so blue he flet he could ". If I were you I would proofread the story again.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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I was going to give you six stars but found an error. The sentence "and it was some months sense Joshua had last seen her. " has a misspelled word. It should have been since. Then there is a cross with letters with the word in this sentence "eyes so blue he flet he could ". If I were you I would proofread the story again.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Thank you. I could read it over 100x and not see the errors. I did read it many, many times, I am so sick of it. I need someone else to read it and find the errors. I'm sure there are many more. Thank you for the 5 stars.
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I am an editor. I can look for more errors if you like.
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You can if you want to, I hate to make you do that, so I will leave it up to you. Thank you. Rox
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If it will benefit you , so bet it. It won't take long. However, can I leave the layout to you. ?
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But I can not make the changes, you would have to make the changes. That's the bad thing about it.
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yes so you would have to give me the line and that's so much work so it's up to you. I hate for you to spend so much time on it with no reward. =}
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No problem, let me sleep on it