The Longing
Is Longing Better Than Reality?6 total reviews
Comment from Jan Anderegg
I can see why you won the Romance Contest with this wonderful story. It is different, and interesting and you kept the reader guessing until the very end, which was fabuous!
Loved your author's notes, too. LOL
Congratulations on your well deserved win.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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I can see why you won the Romance Contest with this wonderful story. It is different, and interesting and you kept the reader guessing until the very end, which was fabuous!
Loved your author's notes, too. LOL
Congratulations on your well deserved win.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 21-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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Thank you so much for the reading and review, Jan! Much appreciated. A little quirkiness keeps genre fiction from being boring and predictable lol.
My apologies for any delay in response:( I've been away from FS for a bit.
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Stacia
This is a great romantic contest entry. I can see why it won the contest. It has a very contemporary feel to it, and keeps the suspense building right to the end. So well done!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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Hi, Stacia
This is a great romantic contest entry. I can see why it won the contest. It has a very contemporary feel to it, and keeps the suspense building right to the end. So well done!
:) Bev
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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Thank you so much for the reading and review, Bev! Much appreciated.
I've written romance professionally so have developed some "feel" for the genre.
My apologies for any delay in response:( I've been away from FS for a bit.
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
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You're welcome, Stacia :)
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 18-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thank you!
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, Stacia,
Stacia, I am going to edit your piece. Tell me how I did, please.
(You forgot the quote.)Hey, Sandy. Mind if I sit here?"
"Well, I'll just say it's pretty bad when the people other people contact to fix their computers can't fix their own computers (this is confusing to me; it's awkward.)." I thought about websearching (web searching) him (no comma), but decided that was too creepy, like stalking him, almost. Couldn't stand the sight of him (a question mark instead?). If only he knew the reason I ran out (comma somewhere after the prepositional phrase) was otherwise I'd start fantasizing about him naked. Wanting to be more than friends would be ridiculous (a semi-colon; otherwise it's a comma splice), terrible if he were in a committed relationship. "She just stopped by (how about comma instead of 'and' and make it a serial sentence?) and gave me the tickets (or a period and make two sentences) because she and her husband can't make the show because she's going with him to some company dinner."
Okay, let me know how I did. Have great luck in the contest; this is a refreshing story after all the negatives out there.
:)
Nome
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2022
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Hello, Stacia,
Stacia, I am going to edit your piece. Tell me how I did, please.
(You forgot the quote.)Hey, Sandy. Mind if I sit here?"
"Well, I'll just say it's pretty bad when the people other people contact to fix their computers can't fix their own computers (this is confusing to me; it's awkward.)." I thought about websearching (web searching) him (no comma), but decided that was too creepy, like stalking him, almost. Couldn't stand the sight of him (a question mark instead?). If only he knew the reason I ran out (comma somewhere after the prepositional phrase) was otherwise I'd start fantasizing about him naked. Wanting to be more than friends would be ridiculous (a semi-colon; otherwise it's a comma splice), terrible if he were in a committed relationship. "She just stopped by (how about comma instead of 'and' and make it a serial sentence?) and gave me the tickets (or a period and make two sentences) because she and her husband can't make the show because she's going with him to some company dinner."
Okay, let me know how I did. Have great luck in the contest; this is a refreshing story after all the negatives out there.
:)
Nome
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2022
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Hi, Nome! I'm embarrassed about being so late in thanking you for your review, but I did want to thank you. I've been away from Fanstory for a while and am just coming back.
Your editing suggestions helped a lot! In fact, this story won the contest:)
Thank you again for the review. Please stop by again.
Stacia
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Stacia, firstly I notice this is for the romance competititon, so best of luck with this entry.
This is a great descritive sentence I wouldn't mind stealing:
'The tawny skin and sweep of black eyebrows.' Shows a lot with few words. I think you have a good story here and I like your writing style.
I do have one suggestion for improvement, it's a stylistic one, but still important and its generic, and what I mean by that is, I'm going to edit one sentence for what I call 'clutter', and show you how you can pull a sentence tighter and get the same meaning with fewer words, and readers love this, they want to get to the nuts and bolts quickly, and descriptively. You are able to take this example and use it in all your writing (generic).
He started telling me some story about a particularly annoying customer who called up and then wasn't able to tell him her own address when he tried to set up a service call.
Hemingway, when asked what was writing, said, 'writing is like life with the boring bits taken out.' I'll show you what he means with the sentence above and I'll use the word 'boring' to do it.
He (started telling -boring) told me (some- boring) a story about a (particularly annoying-boring because the sentence goes on to explain how he was annoying, so you are repeating yourself) customer who (called up and then- boring, we don't need to know it was by phone) (wasn't able to -boring) couldn't tell him her (own - redundant) address when he (tried to -boring) set up a service call.
So, the sentence would read:
He told me a story about a customer who couldn't tell him her address when he set up a service call.
The less is more theory really applies to writing. Hope you find this helpful and not a criticism because I enjoyed your story, Ana.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2022
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Hello Stacia, firstly I notice this is for the romance competititon, so best of luck with this entry.
This is a great descritive sentence I wouldn't mind stealing:
'The tawny skin and sweep of black eyebrows.' Shows a lot with few words. I think you have a good story here and I like your writing style.
I do have one suggestion for improvement, it's a stylistic one, but still important and its generic, and what I mean by that is, I'm going to edit one sentence for what I call 'clutter', and show you how you can pull a sentence tighter and get the same meaning with fewer words, and readers love this, they want to get to the nuts and bolts quickly, and descriptively. You are able to take this example and use it in all your writing (generic).
He started telling me some story about a particularly annoying customer who called up and then wasn't able to tell him her own address when he tried to set up a service call.
Hemingway, when asked what was writing, said, 'writing is like life with the boring bits taken out.' I'll show you what he means with the sentence above and I'll use the word 'boring' to do it.
He (started telling -boring) told me (some- boring) a story about a (particularly annoying-boring because the sentence goes on to explain how he was annoying, so you are repeating yourself) customer who (called up and then- boring, we don't need to know it was by phone) (wasn't able to -boring) couldn't tell him her (own - redundant) address when he (tried to -boring) set up a service call.
So, the sentence would read:
He told me a story about a customer who couldn't tell him her address when he set up a service call.
The less is more theory really applies to writing. Hope you find this helpful and not a criticism because I enjoyed your story, Ana.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2022
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Hi, Ana! I'm embarrassed about being so late in thanking you for your review, but I did want to thank you. I've been away from Fanstory for a while and am just coming back.
Thank you for taking the time to give advice on the story. It went on to win the contest:)
Thank you again for your help and for stopping by.
Stacia
Comment from Bridget Myer
A captivating story. The round about of the unknown, the mystery of the possibilities, the concerns of reality.
You appeared to cover the conversations well with an easy to follow line of dialect.
It flowed well with little scope for confusion of whom was talking.
I loved the flow of tears for relief that her worst thought that might have been.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2022
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A captivating story. The round about of the unknown, the mystery of the possibilities, the concerns of reality.
You appeared to cover the conversations well with an easy to follow line of dialect.
It flowed well with little scope for confusion of whom was talking.
I loved the flow of tears for relief that her worst thought that might have been.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2022
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Hi, Bridget! I'm embarrassed about being so late in thanking you for your review, but I did want to thank you. I've been away from Fanstory for a while and am just coming back.
I'm glad you like the story!
Thank you for stopping by:)
Stacia