Police Report
A fantasy about smart phones16 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there Anonymous Author;
Thank you for your story and Authors' notes. This could be a good entry for the contest, but a few edits might make it a stronger contender.
'"I would like to see some evidence. My wife passed away last year. I am sure she would have kicked me out of the house and turned me over to the authorities. If I did something like that." The last two sentences need to be restructured. The last sentence is a fragment. You could use a comma or a semi-colon depending on how you changed the words.
'"My name is Sami. I was abandoned in Dallas by Ralph Murray. Ralph's grandson, Larry, woke me up the next day in Georgetown. He told his dad, I was on the floor of his car, and he would send me back to Dallas. I blacked out again. I woke up travelling(traveling) to El Paso. From what I can determine, I am supposed to be dropped off at Ralph's home this morning."' These sentences do NOT sound like they were said by a girl not quite ten years old. Try to make the language sound like a child here.
By using the language of a child, it would make more sense that the police were duped.
Good storyline.
~patty~
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Hi there Anonymous Author;
Thank you for your story and Authors' notes. This could be a good entry for the contest, but a few edits might make it a stronger contender.
'"I would like to see some evidence. My wife passed away last year. I am sure she would have kicked me out of the house and turned me over to the authorities. If I did something like that." The last two sentences need to be restructured. The last sentence is a fragment. You could use a comma or a semi-colon depending on how you changed the words.
'"My name is Sami. I was abandoned in Dallas by Ralph Murray. Ralph's grandson, Larry, woke me up the next day in Georgetown. He told his dad, I was on the floor of his car, and he would send me back to Dallas. I blacked out again. I woke up travelling(traveling) to El Paso. From what I can determine, I am supposed to be dropped off at Ralph's home this morning."' These sentences do NOT sound like they were said by a girl not quite ten years old. Try to make the language sound like a child here.
By using the language of a child, it would make more sense that the police were duped.
Good storyline.
~patty~
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Wow! Thank you for your support. I hope I can edit the story in time for the selection.
Comment from emptypage
Interesting story, but you have a real problem with commas, and with grammar in general. I'd suggest getting a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style and reading the comma section first. The book is a great reference for any writer.
Your idea is good, though.
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reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Interesting story, but you have a real problem with commas, and with grammar in general. I'd suggest getting a copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style and reading the comma section first. The book is a great reference for any writer.
Your idea is good, though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thank you very much. I understand and acknowledge my shortcomings on commas. That punctuation problem began in September 1953, my English Teacher used a shotgun loaded with commas. If there was any pause when speaking, some sort of punctuation was needed. Her punctuation rune of choice, if it wasn't the end of a sentence, was the comma. She was my English Teacher until I graduated in May 1954. My next formal punctuation instruction was in 1980. I am still learning. Thank you for your recommendations.
Comment from Pamusart
I never tried writing a story, just poetry. These contests are interesting. This is a good entry for this contest. I was accused of a crime I did not commit once. It can be pretty scary. My husband was accused of being father to some children and not sending child support. It turned out that another man with the exact same name and birthday as his. We never got reimbursed for the lawyer fee. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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I never tried writing a story, just poetry. These contests are interesting. This is a good entry for this contest. I was accused of a crime I did not commit once. It can be pretty scary. My husband was accused of being father to some children and not sending child support. It turned out that another man with the exact same name and birthday as his. We never got reimbursed for the lawyer fee. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thank you for your words of support. They are appreciated.
Comment from Swampfox1
Very well written, it kept me interested from the get go. It kept me in suspense as well, and the ending was very surprising. All the makings of a very good story and it is a very good story.
Good luck in the contest, I think you have a great chance at winning.
How to improve it? Very little room for improvement. At the moment I do not have any such suggestions.
great job. thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Very well written, it kept me interested from the get go. It kept me in suspense as well, and the ending was very surprising. All the makings of a very good story and it is a very good story.
Good luck in the contest, I think you have a great chance at winning.
How to improve it? Very little room for improvement. At the moment I do not have any such suggestions.
great job. thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thank you very much for your words of support, I humbly appreciate them.
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you're welcome
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Thank you.
Comment from ServantOfGod
This story most certainly made me laughed towards the end. I mean who would have thought right? Many thanks for sharing this entertaining story, wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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This story most certainly made me laughed towards the end. I mean who would have thought right? Many thanks for sharing this entertaining story, wish you all the best.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank You.
Comment from Alexander Vasa
You start this story very well and it is really gripping right to the end. Your dialogue is effective at driving the story, which is really different. What a horrible thing to be accused of, and at the end, we see he was duped by a smartphone. Well done with writing this very compelling story, Ana.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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You start this story very well and it is really gripping right to the end. Your dialogue is effective at driving the story, which is really different. What a horrible thing to be accused of, and at the end, we see he was duped by a smartphone. Well done with writing this very compelling story, Ana.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank you.
