Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "FOW Play"All chapters
16 total reviews
Comment from apky
I can't imagine what would make FS reject your title, but that's not the point of this review.
I've come into your story mid gallop, so to speak, therefore I can oly review what I've read in this chapter. I found it engaging and very well written. The dialogue sounded authentic, the writing clear and grammatically correct - I found no spags.
The story sounded very promising and I'd recommend it for readers of this genre. I think I'll bookcase it so that I can continue to read the story's progress.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2018
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I can't imagine what would make FS reject your title, but that's not the point of this review.
I've come into your story mid gallop, so to speak, therefore I can oly review what I've read in this chapter. I found it engaging and very well written. The dialogue sounded authentic, the writing clear and grammatically correct - I found no spags.
The story sounded very promising and I'd recommend it for readers of this genre. I think I'll bookcase it so that I can continue to read the story's progress.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much for reviewing this story. Your compliments and comments are very encouraging.
It's my own fault about the title mixup. Somehow I screwed up the story title with the chapter title and the rest is history.
Thanks for bookcasing it. That is really good news.
Marv
Comment from Harry Smith
The picture selection is a bit unusual. The chapter is filled with lots and lots of imagery and emotions and it is very well written. The reader enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2018
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The picture selection is a bit unusual. The chapter is filled with lots and lots of imagery and emotions and it is very well written. The reader enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2018
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I started writing the story from the standpoint of a Fly On the Wall, but it didn't jive with murder in the offing. (FOW Play) Eventually, I'll change the title.
Thanks for reviewing. I appreciate the compliments.
Marv
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a very fast pace interesting piece. The dialogue seemed natural and the characters believable. The interrogation kind of reminded me of a scene of the old show Dragnet with its quick exchange of words. That was meant as a compliment and not an insult. Good job.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2018
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This is a very fast pace interesting piece. The dialogue seemed natural and the characters believable. The interrogation kind of reminded me of a scene of the old show Dragnet with its quick exchange of words. That was meant as a compliment and not an insult. Good job.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2018
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Thank you for reviewing. Your compliments are very gratifying. Having the show, Dragnet, mentioned, regarding this effort is a particular pleasure. Don't worry, I took it as a compliment.
Thank you, Misty, for everything.
Marv
Comment from judiverse
This is great, and I apologize for being so late getting to it. Ms. Berkowz adds a touch of humor, which is good. She doesn't seem like the brightest bulb. Amanda is pretty clever, taking the opportunity to get the layout of the offices. Witness also needed a drink to prop her up after the shooting. Can't say that I blame her. Apparently the robber is sufficiently recovered to want to make a statement. Nice that Brennan commends Amanda. The interviews sound very realistic. A bit of suspense at the end of this--What's with the injured teller? You keep this moving right along, and I'm rating a six. judi
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2018
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This is great, and I apologize for being so late getting to it. Ms. Berkowz adds a touch of humor, which is good. She doesn't seem like the brightest bulb. Amanda is pretty clever, taking the opportunity to get the layout of the offices. Witness also needed a drink to prop her up after the shooting. Can't say that I blame her. Apparently the robber is sufficiently recovered to want to make a statement. Nice that Brennan commends Amanda. The interviews sound very realistic. A bit of suspense at the end of this--What's with the injured teller? You keep this moving right along, and I'm rating a six. judi
Comment Written 22-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2018
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Judi
Wow! A six is certainly worth waiting for. Thank you very much, Judi.
Everything you said is nice to hear. Hope to post chapter 7 soon.
Thanks again.
Marvin
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You're very welcome. I love mysteries, and I thought you handled the interrogations very well. judi
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Thanks again.
Marv
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You're welcome. Enjoying your novel. judi
Comment from gene roush
Because I'm just jumping into the story, I have to give you rather benefit of my doubts.
It seems to me that you do a good job of managing the setting. "she said, pointing to the swivel chair with the missing wheel, on the side of the desk with the missing leg." tells me that the place is rundown without going into elaborate detail--nice job.
So, I assume that the bottle in the desk drawer, "that's only half of it", Brennam's praise, and Ammanda's forgetfulness will all resurface as important elements in the story.
This closes with a nice hook that brings tension to the next post.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Because I'm just jumping into the story, I have to give you rather benefit of my doubts.
It seems to me that you do a good job of managing the setting. "she said, pointing to the swivel chair with the missing wheel, on the side of the desk with the missing leg." tells me that the place is rundown without going into elaborate detail--nice job.
So, I assume that the bottle in the desk drawer, "that's only half of it", Brennam's praise, and Ammanda's forgetfulness will all resurface as important elements in the story.
This closes with a nice hook that brings tension to the next post.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank you, Gene, for jumping into my murder mystery.
I appreciate the compliments. I plan on having many elements resurface.
It's not realistic to think I can get future hooks to occur at around 600 words each chapter, but it will be fun trying.
Sharing my work is heaven to me. Thanks for all your compliments and the high rating.
Marv
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One of the better aspects of writing here is that it demands keeping the tension high, because of the brevity of the posts.
Have fun.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Marv;
The best way to get around the FS rejecting titles is to shorten so you can add the Part Two, etc. The other way is to create a book and keep all of the parts of the story together.
This story tickled me. The interview sounded interesting and I was so entranced by the questions the detectives were asking that I almost missed the answers.
I'm going to look in your portfolio for the other parts of this story.
~patty~
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Hi, Marv;
The best way to get around the FS rejecting titles is to shorten so you can add the Part Two, etc. The other way is to create a book and keep all of the parts of the story together.
This story tickled me. The interview sounded interesting and I was so entranced by the questions the detectives were asking that I almost missed the answers.
I'm going to look in your portfolio for the other parts of this story.
~patty~
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thank you, Patty, for reviewing this story.
Good luck finding other chapters. One is titled Countryside Murder. It was an early version of chapter 5.
Look for anything called FOW Play.
Ignore the word, Loophole. It has nothing to do with FOW Play.
Thanks for the 5 stars.
Marv
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I do enjoy a good play on words and the interview with Berkowitz does this very well.
"It's understandable, that you would want a drink under the circumstances. - need closing speech marks here.
"Well, It's not every day we get held up." - it's.
But, get this! They don't have the teller, "Gertrude Lascola." - delete the extra speech mark in front of the name.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Hi there,
I do enjoy a good play on words and the interview with Berkowitz does this very well.
"It's understandable, that you would want a drink under the circumstances. - need closing speech marks here.
"Well, It's not every day we get held up." - it's.
But, get this! They don't have the teller, "Gertrude Lascola." - delete the extra speech mark in front of the name.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 20-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2018
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Thanks for reviewing this, my first murder mystery. I'm glad you discovered the typos.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Marv
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Marv. Your story is true-to-form Marv with its snappy dialogue and gaggle of misunderstandings between characters. This allows for a play-on-words that you can keep going as long as you, the author, want to continue it.
One of the reasons you may be having trouble posting your chapters is because they may be named the same. If this is a chapter in an ongoing book, click on "add chapter" but you must title it differently or you will be notified there is already another write with that same title. I hope this helps. Marilyn
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2018
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Hi Marv. Your story is true-to-form Marv with its snappy dialogue and gaggle of misunderstandings between characters. This allows for a play-on-words that you can keep going as long as you, the author, want to continue it.
One of the reasons you may be having trouble posting your chapters is because they may be named the same. If this is a chapter in an ongoing book, click on "add chapter" but you must title it differently or you will be notified there is already another write with that same title. I hope this helps. Marilyn
Comment Written 19-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2018
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Thank you, Marilyn, for reviewing and the five stars. I appreciate your compliments about the dialogue, etc.
I think your suggestion about how I should post a chapter is the answer to the problem. Thanks for that.
Marv
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You're welcome. Glad I could help. FS will not allow the same title for more than one story SO you either have to change the title of that particular piece OR include it in a book (add chapter) but by adding a chapter, you still have to name the chapter something different from the book. Marilyn
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The character outlay comprises,the Robber, Detective Amanda Doherty, Detective Brennan, Rose Anne Zito,Mrs. Berkowitz and Gertrude Lascola who is also known as Teller Two.
The scenario is an on going crime detection initiative for which Mrs. Berkowitz is next on the line up of those to be interviewed. She is a bit jittery and inconsistent with her replies to Brennan, while Amanda pulls a call through to the hospital authorities. purported to be saving the life of Teller Number Two and the robber.
Rose Anne Zito's interview is interrupted by Amanda who excuses Brennan for briefings concerning the Robber on whom the hospital authorities are carrying out a procedure and Teller Number Two who appears to be missing.
Now, that is a but to be cracked; how could Teller Number Two be missing?
Excellent plot! Keep the flag flying!
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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The character outlay comprises,the Robber, Detective Amanda Doherty, Detective Brennan, Rose Anne Zito,Mrs. Berkowitz and Gertrude Lascola who is also known as Teller Two.
The scenario is an on going crime detection initiative for which Mrs. Berkowitz is next on the line up of those to be interviewed. She is a bit jittery and inconsistent with her replies to Brennan, while Amanda pulls a call through to the hospital authorities. purported to be saving the life of Teller Number Two and the robber.
Rose Anne Zito's interview is interrupted by Amanda who excuses Brennan for briefings concerning the Robber on whom the hospital authorities are carrying out a procedure and Teller Number Two who appears to be missing.
Now, that is a but to be cracked; how could Teller Number Two be missing?
Excellent plot! Keep the flag flying!
Comment Written 18-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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Thanks, Lloyd, for your comprehensive review.
The hospital is only saving the life of the robber. They never picked up and transported Gertrude Lascola, teller two, to the hospital. Sterling and the custodian, Jamal, are the only persons who know this.
Glad you like this story, my first murder mystery. Thanks for your encouragement.
Marv
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Keep on flourishing!
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Thanks, Lloyd, for your comprehensive review.
The hospital is only saving the life of the robber. They never picked up and transported Gertrude Lascola, teller two, to the hospital. Sterling and the custodian, Jamal, are the only persons who know this.
Glad you like this story, my first murder mystery. Thanks for your encouragement.
Marv
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Thank you very much.
Comment from c_lucas
It would be best to research Police procedure and Interrogation. This has too many loopholes and lacks pertinent information concerning the events. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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It would be best to research Police procedure and Interrogation. This has too many loopholes and lacks pertinent information concerning the events. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2018
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I should have done the research before I began writing this story. I'll do it before posting chapter 7.
None of those interviewed are suspects. The person who shot the teller was himself shot and he's lying in hospital.
The only eyewitnesses are Floyd, teller number one and Mr, Sterling, the bank manager. Floyd has already 'testified' and Detective Brennan wants to save Sterling for last.
Thanks for reviewing and your valuable assistance.
Marv
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You're welcome, Marvin. Charlie
