GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Child Is Born"A child is born who will be a champion
8 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Hi Roxanna,
Wow!
That's an unexpected change of pace,
. How sad for Nyla yet such a wonderful gift also.
Love, life and death always present but ever changing.
You're doing well and I often turn away from reading fantasy because its loften so complicated but I' m finding this great reading.
"-)Shirley
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2018
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Hi Roxanna,
Wow!
That's an unexpected change of pace,
. How sad for Nyla yet such a wonderful gift also.
Love, life and death always present but ever changing.
You're doing well and I often turn away from reading fantasy because its loften so complicated but I' m finding this great reading.
"-)Shirley
Comment Written 22-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much Shirley. I like some fantasy, but get sick of the vampire/werewolf/ zombie stuff. It's yucky. =} Thanks again, Rox
Comment from Writingfundimension
I enjoyed this chapter, A Child is Born. I hope that receiving reviews and sharing is inspiring you to keep going with this worthwhile project. You have a real feeling for the everyday aspects of your characters' lives.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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I enjoyed this chapter, A Child is Born. I hope that receiving reviews and sharing is inspiring you to keep going with this worthwhile project. You have a real feeling for the everyday aspects of your characters' lives.
:) Bev
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much Bev.
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You bet, Roxana.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Didn't she feel his presents [presence] leave her two
It was fine Roxy. Not too long at all. A lot happened in this chapter. I am still enjoying the story and love living in a fantasy world for a time. Sorry Dak died.I forgot what a behemoth was, is, looked it up. Still don't know. A huge creature described in the old testament. Something enormous. Okay!
Good to know. LOL Well done. Write on! Nancy
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Didn't she feel his presents [presence] leave her two
It was fine Roxy. Not too long at all. A lot happened in this chapter. I am still enjoying the story and love living in a fantasy world for a time. Sorry Dak died.I forgot what a behemoth was, is, looked it up. Still don't know. A huge creature described in the old testament. Something enormous. Okay!
Good to know. LOL Well done. Write on! Nancy
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Yes a behemoth is a huge beast, in the bible I do believe it may be referring to a whale or sea monster. In this case it s a dragon. Thanks so much for the great review. Rox
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks colour of fantasy, ultimately came the birth, slowly a head emerged, maybe smaller than the rest of her brood, even the colour was not of same, mother startles and took out of the cave; well written, well done. B A CHANGE INSPIRER-WRITER -- DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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This speaks colour of fantasy, ultimately came the birth, slowly a head emerged, maybe smaller than the rest of her brood, even the colour was not of same, mother startles and took out of the cave; well written, well done. B A CHANGE INSPIRER-WRITER -- DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank you very much. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Debbie Pope
This is a very good story. I was engaged from your first word. This is unusual for me because I do not usually enjoy this genre. I even hope to read more to see what happens to Joshua Dak. Because this is my first chapter, I was surprised by the behemoth paragraphs. I really like the interweaving of the two births. You might put some asterisks or extra lines to separate the two different stories though. I am very curious about the offensive baby that is rejected by his mother. The poignancy of that rejection adds a lot to the story. It is a great job. As a reviewer, I noticed a few misspelled words. She should have "tried" (not tired) to find him. "Confidant" not confident. And, I think you need a few possessive apostrophes such as horses' hooves and rabbits' fur. These are all easy fixes though. The hard stuff, the creativity and storyline is absolutely great. Good luck with the next chapters. I intend to read them.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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This is a very good story. I was engaged from your first word. This is unusual for me because I do not usually enjoy this genre. I even hope to read more to see what happens to Joshua Dak. Because this is my first chapter, I was surprised by the behemoth paragraphs. I really like the interweaving of the two births. You might put some asterisks or extra lines to separate the two different stories though. I am very curious about the offensive baby that is rejected by his mother. The poignancy of that rejection adds a lot to the story. It is a great job. As a reviewer, I noticed a few misspelled words. She should have "tried" (not tired) to find him. "Confidant" not confident. And, I think you need a few possessive apostrophes such as horses' hooves and rabbits' fur. These are all easy fixes though. The hard stuff, the creativity and storyline is absolutely great. Good luck with the next chapters. I intend to read them.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thanks so much and for also becoming a fan. I have much work to do. I have the story in my head, now to get the rest of it on paper. That's the hard part. =} Thank you. rox
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
It wasn't too long, Rox, it was toooooooo short! This is a brilliant story, I'm really loving it. It's so sad that Dax has died, and I don't think it was a bear that killed him, more am member of his family, though not his brothers. I hope Nyla rescues the Behemoth. Going from the first chapter, she will need a baby to look after and the Behemoth baby needs a mother. This is such an engrossing story, Rox, I love it. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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It wasn't too long, Rox, it was toooooooo short! This is a brilliant story, I'm really loving it. It's so sad that Dax has died, and I don't think it was a bear that killed him, more am member of his family, though not his brothers. I hope Nyla rescues the Behemoth. Going from the first chapter, she will need a baby to look after and the Behemoth baby needs a mother. This is such an engrossing story, Rox, I love it. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank you so much. Glad it wasn't too long or boring. I have the next chapter ready to go, but no money. Have to do a bunch of reviewing. =} Thanks so much again. Rox
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Another good solid continuation of the story here. It's quite pacey which is a good thing. Personally I'd remove your apology for length in the author's notes as it only draws attention to it. A lot of folk won't notice as it is well paced.
The dogs ears perked up - dogs'.
She heard horses hooves - need an apostrophe in here to denote possession.
She struggled to her feet and walk outside - walked.
Nyla, lets go into the cottage - let's (shortened let us).
Didn't she feel his presents leave her - presence.
a wild animal to take a mans heart. - man's.
"We will take care of you Nyla," Erik assure her - assured.
she should have tired to find him. - tried.
him being attached by a horrible beast - attacked.
other provision the towns people / greatly touched that the towns people - townspeople can be a single word here.
for that is what he was called; though he was not a father as in the Catholic church. - personally I would omit this as it lifts the reader out from the story and gives the writer/narrator an intrusive voice.
You are looking so thin, Nyla,"said the tiny wife - spacing here after the speech marks.
she could to insure this baby thrived. - ensure.
She gain strength and began - gained.
clothes and wraps from Daks clothing - Dak's.
would start life with it's fathers scent - its father's scent.
water from the near by spring. - nearby can be a single word here.
As the hours worn on the pains - wore on.
griped the bed covering - gripped.
"Why won't it come?" She cried - she.
"What will he be called?" She asked.- she, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name.
It was a warriors name. - warrior's.
He is a find boy - fine.
She reached into the bag midwives always carried - it is stated earlier that Anna is a caregiver, not a midwife so why would she have a midwife's bag?
The behemoth felt a stirring at her belly - it may be an idea to insert a break before this section, something like a centred # or * to denote the scene change.
It fell on it's side and rolled - its.
A blue head with bright green eyes started back - stared back.
clawed foot down and push the offending - pushed.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Hi there,
Another good solid continuation of the story here. It's quite pacey which is a good thing. Personally I'd remove your apology for length in the author's notes as it only draws attention to it. A lot of folk won't notice as it is well paced.
The dogs ears perked up - dogs'.
She heard horses hooves - need an apostrophe in here to denote possession.
She struggled to her feet and walk outside - walked.
Nyla, lets go into the cottage - let's (shortened let us).
Didn't she feel his presents leave her - presence.
a wild animal to take a mans heart. - man's.
"We will take care of you Nyla," Erik assure her - assured.
she should have tired to find him. - tried.
him being attached by a horrible beast - attacked.
other provision the towns people / greatly touched that the towns people - townspeople can be a single word here.
for that is what he was called; though he was not a father as in the Catholic church. - personally I would omit this as it lifts the reader out from the story and gives the writer/narrator an intrusive voice.
You are looking so thin, Nyla,"said the tiny wife - spacing here after the speech marks.
she could to insure this baby thrived. - ensure.
She gain strength and began - gained.
clothes and wraps from Daks clothing - Dak's.
would start life with it's fathers scent - its father's scent.
water from the near by spring. - nearby can be a single word here.
As the hours worn on the pains - wore on.
griped the bed covering - gripped.
"Why won't it come?" She cried - she.
"What will he be called?" She asked.- she, following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name.
It was a warriors name. - warrior's.
He is a find boy - fine.
She reached into the bag midwives always carried - it is stated earlier that Anna is a caregiver, not a midwife so why would she have a midwife's bag?
The behemoth felt a stirring at her belly - it may be an idea to insert a break before this section, something like a centred # or * to denote the scene change.
It fell on it's side and rolled - its.
A blue head with bright green eyes started back - stared back.
clawed foot down and push the offending - pushed.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank so much for your thoughtful review and helps. I read these over at least 100x before posting. This is why you need reviews. =} Thank so much. Rox
Comment from Pamusart
I am going to take the trouble to point out some typos
"He walk out into the blackness". Should be walked
"A huge black stallion come". Should be came
"He often stop by the chapel". Should be stopped
"She gain strength". Should be gained
"From the near by stream". Should be nearby
"As the hours worn on". Should be wore
"Griped the bed covering". Should be gripped
"He is a find boy". Should be fine
I think it is interesting and am sorry Dak is dead. But, the show must go on!!
I hope you know that I am only trying to help. That is why I did not deduct points. Thank you fir sharing
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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I am going to take the trouble to point out some typos
"He walk out into the blackness". Should be walked
"A huge black stallion come". Should be came
"He often stop by the chapel". Should be stopped
"She gain strength". Should be gained
"From the near by stream". Should be nearby
"As the hours worn on". Should be wore
"Griped the bed covering". Should be gripped
"He is a find boy". Should be fine
I think it is interesting and am sorry Dak is dead. But, the show must go on!!
I hope you know that I am only trying to help. That is why I did not deduct points. Thank you fir sharing
Comment Written 17-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2018
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Thank so much for your thoughtful review and helps. I read these over at least 100x before posting. This is why you need reviews. =} Thank so much. Rox
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I know. It?s like how did that extra word get in there. I checked it so many times. That is why there are editors and proofreaders employed. We are all human. I think we should all help each other on here
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Yes I very much appreciated it. I just miss so much, I see what I think should be there. Thank you again.