Comment from pome lover

Excellent

Marv - why didn't he call the police???
Why didn't he ask Jamal if he'd seen anything?
Will have to go back and find your previous chapter. I don't remember the circumstances of the robbery. Maybe you could say up at the top that this is chapter 2 of your story.
Is there some kind of hook you could add at the end to make the reader want to read the next chapter?
K

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018

Thanks for reviewing.
He called the police. Remember the scene at the entrance doors with Amanda chewing on her purse strap.
Not sure what to do next.
Marv

Comment from Marge Setzer

Good

I love a good mystery and I think this one has potential. Some questions: You say at the end that this picks up from a previous story yet you tag this with Chapter 1. If there is information in another story that is vital to this one, I'd like to see it. Your main character confuses me a bit. He has an important position (in a bank?) and has duties that take precedence over a romantic interlude, yet he doesn't get to the priorities right away. He also sound a bit skittish which may imply some guilt. The other thing that confuses me is the lack of consistency in the tense - sometimes it's present, sometimes it's in the past. Despite my questions I find the premise of the story intriguing. Thanks for sharing. Marge

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018

Thanks for your review. I think this story has potential if I can avoid mix-ups with titles and posting.
May I email you the other 6 chapters, perhaps one every other day?
Chap. 1__just over 1 page.
Chap. 2__almost 2 pages.
Chap. 3__2 pages.
Chap. 4__1.7 pages.
Chap. 5__1.8 pages.
Chap. 6__2 pages.

I'm glad you mentioned: priorities, skittish and guilt. You're very perceptive.
Thanks for all your feedback.
My next chore: consistency of tense.
BTW, I like your word: intriguing.
Marv

Comment from Debbie Pope

Excellent

I like the story. It shows great potential. I think that it is rather insensitive of Herman to head to Rose Anne Zito's office. But perhaps that's a necessary part of the plot. And I find it unusual that under the circumstances, she is secluded in her office. I would think that the employees would be gathered. These are just random thoughts though. They have nothing to do with your story really. The gathering is just a more realistic scenario for me. As written, your story is fine.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018

Thank you for your nice review.
The employees were shocked at the robbery and subsequent shooting of their friend and co-worker.
Apparently, you can see into the future. The part where they gather outside the interrogation room, eager to shed light on the tragedy has been written and posted.
I hope you don't mind. Here it is.

Chapter 4

Amanda was gone from the 'interrogation room' less than ten seconds before returning and closing the door on an anxious group of bank employees. ?You'd think Frank Sinatra was in the building, S.B.?
?You're not old enough to go back that far. How about Justine what's-his-name??
?Justine's a girls name. You must mean Justin. Too new for me. I'm an old fashion girl.?
?What's going on out there??
?They're all dying to give a statement.?
?How'd they know we're taking statements.?
?I told them.?
?And just why would you do such a thing??
?I figured if we gave them time to think about what they'd seen, it would save your valuable time.?
?Very commendable of you. Is Sterling in that mob??
?No.?
?Good! I'd like to interview him in his office.?

Thanks for the compliments. Thanks for your prediction. Please don't be afraid to express your opinions.
Marv

reply by Debbie Pope on 22-Feb-2018

Thanks for asking for my opinion on the crowd segment. Sounds good, except I think that Amanda is being too light-hearted under the circumstances. Good luck.

Comment from Megan14

Average

I liked this story. I think that it is setting itself up for an interesting story. It has some characters that can develop well and it introduces us to the main character and pieces of his life well.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018

Thanks for reviewing, Megan.
If you're going to stay with me (and I hope you do) I must try to clarify things, apart from the story.
I tried to post this chapter as Chapter 3-A of my story, FOW Play. because it occurs simultaneously with Chapter 3. (of FOW Play)

So far, I've posted 6 chapters, under the title ?FOW Play? or sometimes, ?Crime in the Suburbs.? When I post I get mixed up and end up with different titles.
Marv

reply by Megan14 on 22-Feb-2018

Ha I can understand how it can be confusing. I would like to read it once it is more structured then. Perhaps you could also give my stuff a read if you have time.

reply by Megan14 on 23-Feb-2018

Thats what I thought.

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

I wonder who the 'other woman' is? A wife, lover, or something else?

An aging slueth solves a murder - sleuth. (description line)

who included almost everyone she's ever me, - ever met.

From the middle, left drawer - I don't think you need he comma here.

 Comment Written 22-Feb-2018

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reply by the author on 22-Feb-2018

Thanks for sticking with me and helping me. I made the changes.
I tried posting this chapter as Chapter 3-A, but was denied. This chapter happens simultaneously as Chapter 3 in FOW Play. Let me know if that's not clear.
Thanks for everything.
Marv