Free Verse Collection 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Time is Kept Inside"selections for seal submission
39 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I wish my mirror took off a few decades. Even your video aged me. I saw a t-shirt the other day about Bob Marley and knew it aged me to know who he was. I enjoyed reading your contest entry and wish you the best of luck.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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I wish my mirror took off a few decades. Even your video aged me. I saw a t-shirt the other day about Bob Marley and knew it aged me to know who he was. I enjoyed reading your contest entry and wish you the best of luck.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Hell, I found out I'm older than McDonald's. LOL JEESH!
Glad you enjoyed. Thanks so much. :))l mike
Comment from catch22
Hi Mikey, this was a pretty well done write about an older man looking back at his youthful self and wanting to knock some sense into him. I did think the sound devices and cross rhyme were a bit overdone. It seemed a little forced in some places. I think rhythm is important in a write like this and the effect of the extensive devices made it sound too structured for free verse IMO. It sounded less like acid jazz and more like Mozart--if you know what I mean. I think the subject matter worked for the poem though. Well penned.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Hi Mikey, this was a pretty well done write about an older man looking back at his youthful self and wanting to knock some sense into him. I did think the sound devices and cross rhyme were a bit overdone. It seemed a little forced in some places. I think rhythm is important in a write like this and the effect of the extensive devices made it sound too structured for free verse IMO. It sounded less like acid jazz and more like Mozart--if you know what I mean. I think the subject matter worked for the poem though. Well penned.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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I'm in this rhyming mode that I can't seem to break out of. Jeesh. I even start prose with rhymes and then have to literally force myself to stop. I'l take a look at it. It's kind of like an avalanche I guess. I'll keep it mind next time. I get the same sense reading it out loud too sometimes. Thanks for the advice. mike
Comment from rama devi
Excellent work, Mike! Great poetic portrait of an internal landscape POV.
Superb random rhymes and alliteration.
Superb use of spacing line breaks to sculpt phrasing cadences and pause effect. I'd love to see some indents also used to similar effect...just a thought!
This works fine without caps and punctuation - probably due to the shorter line lengths.
Interesting opening diction, especially:
mista neeto keeno hipsta
dude a batareeno
Unique:
an ice cream swirl
of gals and girls
Imaginative and unique (and fun to read aloud):
don't fall
it's just a swoon
the blue June moon
found bells in
Levi bottom's
Delightful:
I do recall
the waterfall
of tones
when tickling dem der bones
Poignant:
you did your part
to give them mem'ries--
but they're gone
and you're alone
Clever line:
Peter Pan with silver hair
that land never did exist
Awkward enjambment here:
and you were surely
never there
does anybody care?
Since you can't use a dash or semicolon, why not a line break?
and you were surely
never there
does anybody care?
Ditto here:
did that ship leave port
with her aboard
how your heart soared
Suggest:
did that ship leave port
with her aboard
how your heart soared
Or, another option would be to employ question marks and/or indents:
did that ship leave port
with her aboard?
how your heart soared
Great lines:
maybe it's okay
just let the day go by
and then the next
as though there is no end
then just a single sad surprise
will take you 'round the bend
Fun Sound-medley of ist and issed and iss:
you're alone
you've just a list
of those you kissed
remembered bliss
so, cherish this
Excellent pivot line:
one day you'll blink
Amusing satirical closing note:
I'd take a swing at you
just one good shot
to wipe that smirk
away
but at my age
seven years' bad luck
could be all my days
Unique work!
Enjoyed. A strong contender, for sure,
Good luck.
Thanks for sponsoring this interesting contest - there are numerous great entries!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Excellent work, Mike! Great poetic portrait of an internal landscape POV.
Superb random rhymes and alliteration.
Superb use of spacing line breaks to sculpt phrasing cadences and pause effect. I'd love to see some indents also used to similar effect...just a thought!
This works fine without caps and punctuation - probably due to the shorter line lengths.
Interesting opening diction, especially:
mista neeto keeno hipsta
dude a batareeno
Unique:
an ice cream swirl
of gals and girls
Imaginative and unique (and fun to read aloud):
don't fall
it's just a swoon
the blue June moon
found bells in
Levi bottom's
Delightful:
I do recall
the waterfall
of tones
when tickling dem der bones
Poignant:
you did your part
to give them mem'ries--
but they're gone
and you're alone
Clever line:
Peter Pan with silver hair
that land never did exist
Awkward enjambment here:
and you were surely
never there
does anybody care?
Since you can't use a dash or semicolon, why not a line break?
and you were surely
never there
does anybody care?
Ditto here:
did that ship leave port
with her aboard
how your heart soared
Suggest:
did that ship leave port
with her aboard
how your heart soared
Or, another option would be to employ question marks and/or indents:
did that ship leave port
with her aboard?
how your heart soared
Great lines:
maybe it's okay
just let the day go by
and then the next
as though there is no end
then just a single sad surprise
will take you 'round the bend
Fun Sound-medley of ist and issed and iss:
you're alone
you've just a list
of those you kissed
remembered bliss
so, cherish this
Excellent pivot line:
one day you'll blink
Amusing satirical closing note:
I'd take a swing at you
just one good shot
to wipe that smirk
away
but at my age
seven years' bad luck
could be all my days
Unique work!
Enjoyed. A strong contender, for sure,
Good luck.
Thanks for sponsoring this interesting contest - there are numerous great entries!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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You're the greatest. Sorry to be so late replying. I must get to these improvements too shortly. Great ideas. Wow. What an encouraging wonderful review. Thanks so very much. Hugs, mike
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AW, thanks, Mike. So glad you feel encouraged! Hugs, rd
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
"Time is Kept Inside", is an extremely well-written and deftly descriptive piece. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. I look forward to reading your next post.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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"Time is Kept Inside", is an extremely well-written and deftly descriptive piece. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. I look forward to reading your next post.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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How very kind. Thanks so much. I'm delighted you enjoyed. mike
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mike,as always, you're very welcome.
Best wishes and bless you,
the Duchess
Comment from Irish Rain
'Rolling Stones' and Springsteen's Glory Days'....love this. The memories, wine will have to suffice, and there are those who LOVE silver hair!! Wonderful free verse entry, blessings...
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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'Rolling Stones' and Springsteen's Glory Days'....love this. The memories, wine will have to suffice, and there are those who LOVE silver hair!! Wonderful free verse entry, blessings...
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Oh good, mine is as silver as can be, kind of silver blond. LOL
So pleased you enjoyed. Thanks so much, mike
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Just not even fair, men go silver, and are gorgeous, women go silver, and are tired, ha ha....
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Men with good taste dig silver ... it's gold. :))
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Well now, I like that mind set, ha ha....Happy Thanksgiving!!
Comment from robina1978
A lovely photo that complements your poem perfectly. The photo attracted me to this poem. You made it for the free verser club challenge. I don't understand this too well, as I made an Acrostic for the same contest. I liked your poem. Best wishes for the challenge.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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A lovely photo that complements your poem perfectly. The photo attracted me to this poem. You made it for the free verser club challenge. I don't understand this too well, as I made an Acrostic for the same contest. I liked your poem. Best wishes for the challenge.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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I enjoyed your piece very much. Glad you liked mine. Thanks so much. mike
Comment from Rany Ramtin
Nice piece, I really enjoyed reading it. This is a topic that I do not see written about very often, so it was a risky move but I think you really pulled it off.
Thanks for sharing,
-Rany
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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Nice piece, I really enjoyed reading it. This is a topic that I do not see written about very often, so it was a risky move but I think you really pulled it off.
Thanks for sharing,
-Rany
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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Oh, i'm so pleased you enjoyed and found it successful. Thanks so much, mike
Comment from robyn corum
Mikey,
This is superb writing. Really, really enjoyed it. *smile* I think we could all look back at our former selves and say, 'Whoa, there - don't be QUITE so confident, my friend. You have no idea what's waiting around the corner." haha!
So many parts of this to love:
***
you had fire
that just ain't there
(though you desire
it so to be)
anymore
so, don't be sore at me
***
though you pretend
the notes don't end
you're not fooling me
and you're not
fooling you
Also love the ending - would punch you straight through the mirror if it might wake you up...but the young won't listen anyway and I'd probably just hurt myself. haha!
Fabulous! Unfortunately, the wisdom we gain often comes too late in life for us to really put it to good use. They say, 'youth is wasted on the young', and I soooo agree! *smile*
Thanks for a tremendous piece -- Keep writing!
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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Mikey,
This is superb writing. Really, really enjoyed it. *smile* I think we could all look back at our former selves and say, 'Whoa, there - don't be QUITE so confident, my friend. You have no idea what's waiting around the corner." haha!
So many parts of this to love:
***
you had fire
that just ain't there
(though you desire
it so to be)
anymore
so, don't be sore at me
***
though you pretend
the notes don't end
you're not fooling me
and you're not
fooling you
Also love the ending - would punch you straight through the mirror if it might wake you up...but the young won't listen anyway and I'd probably just hurt myself. haha!
Fabulous! Unfortunately, the wisdom we gain often comes too late in life for us to really put it to good use. They say, 'youth is wasted on the young', and I soooo agree! *smile*
Thanks for a tremendous piece -- Keep writing!
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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This review put a smile on my face that is still there. I'm delighted you enjoyed. Thanks so much. Sorry for the late response. mike
Comment from MissMerri
A fine entry in the aging contest, I thought. It surprised me to find so much rhyme in this piece, but it wasn't in any way unpleasant... just surprising because free verse usually has only a few scattered internal rhymes. You sprinkled this liberally with end rhymes, but without the regular meter, so I guess it is still "free." The colloquialisms added a touch of lightheartedness to what could have been a somber subject. I enjoyed the poem very much. MM
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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A fine entry in the aging contest, I thought. It surprised me to find so much rhyme in this piece, but it wasn't in any way unpleasant... just surprising because free verse usually has only a few scattered internal rhymes. You sprinkled this liberally with end rhymes, but without the regular meter, so I guess it is still "free." The colloquialisms added a touch of lightheartedness to what could have been a somber subject. I enjoyed the poem very much. MM
Comment Written 17-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2017
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Hi,MissMerri
Yeah, almost too much rhyme perhaps. Rhyme is fine as is meter, as long as it isn't a pattern or form. I am Cat uses a lot of rhyme too. I tend to go overboard at times. LOL In any case I'm pleased you enjoyed. Thanks so much. Free verse SHOULD be poetic and easy to read just like a structured piece ... ONLY in the structure you make up for yourself. :)) mike
Comment from angel123
I enjoyed reading your long free verse poem. It flows well with emotion and the subject held my attention. I found it interesting. Good alliteration of letters and sounds in your first two stanzas. Your artwork choice is excellent.
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I enjoyed reading your long free verse poem. It flows well with emotion and the subject held my attention. I found it interesting. Good alliteration of letters and sounds in your first two stanzas. Your artwork choice is excellent.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2017