Comment from Kate Tompkins

Excellent

Well, it certainly grabbed me, especially that last line. Now I want to know whether Dave ended up there on purpose (sounds like he might be a researcher) or made the mistake of following the bobbing lights. Since he seems to be equipped for the middle of nowhere, I'm guessing the first, but obviously something (cue ominous music) went wrong.

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2017

Ominous music sounds just perfect .Thanks for reviewing, glad it hot you thinking :) Craig

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Craig,

I enjoyed your opener here. Good set up and questions asked of the reader. Some of sentences run on the long side, which is fine for an opening paragraph but if this was setting the tone for the style of the piece I would think twice. Too much or either long or short sentences creates a pattern in the reader's mind which can lead to monotony and it's the pattern that becomes set rather than the contents, if you see what I mean.

There's a good mystery set up here.
G

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017

Hi G,
I'm always having to go through stuff I've done and cut the sentences down , so your cautionary words make perfect sense to me. Thanks for the advice, and the kind comments. Craig

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

You've done a great job with your opening paragraph and now what is David going to write in his journal. That's what we all want to know lol.
Really enjoyed it, Craig
cheers.
valda

 Comment Written 22-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2017

Thanks very much Valda. I wish I knew what he was going to write! Craig

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

I DO think you're off to a very good start with this mysterious piece that grabs the attention of the reader. You give two very good examples of what could cause the luminous glow. Nicely done. Marilyn

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017

Thanks for the kind comments, Marilyn. Much appreciated! Craig

Comment from --Turtle.

Excellent

Hey, Craig,

I'm glad you updated the first sentence. It was a doozie to start. The newer pair of sentences has a good feel about it. The voice and theme of the write has a bit of a douglas adams feel about it. A little roundabout/ free with the extra words and flow, but (save for the original first sentence) not overwhelming.

You did well to set a foundation and tone for a man out in a mysterious situation, with a sense of conflict. His isolation gives a sense of danger, concern... and the explainations in nature gives curiosity if the reader is dealing with aliens, supernatural, or humans trying to cover something up.

David Upton pondered how a day which started out promising so much could turn so rapidly to crap.
(I wondered, about symmetry... pondered how a day which started out so promising could turn so rapidly to crap.) ?

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017

Hi Turtle,

Well, I wasn't consciously going for a Douglas Adams feel, but I'll take that any day of the week - and in retrospect, I can see what you mean. Your uncertainty about the nature of the lights is exactly what I was going for. When I decide myself which of those it is, I'll let you know ;-)

Thanks for the great review.

Craig

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi, Craig;
thank you for sharing your intriguing opening paragraph. I was drawn in by your words, and I want to know what the entry in his journal will be like.

I do have a question for you; have you already written this story, or was the opening paragraph a new and novel thought?

Looking forward to seeing your other assignments in the club,

~patty~

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017

Hi Patty,

There's no existing story at this stage. All I have is the roughest idea for a book I'd like to write one day - and part of the story would revolve around the mysterious "Min Min lights", which are a real thing, with varying explanations. As for what they really are (as far as my story goes) - a couple of people have asked, but I haven't got that far yet, so even I don't know :)

Thanks for the kind comments, much appreciated.
Craig

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Alien ships from outer space perhaps? That might better explain the mysterious lights.

You do not need a comma here:

David hoisted his well-worn knapsack onto the table, and removed the tattered spiral binder which was his journal.

Reason: Both parts share one subject, David. So it is not two clauses.

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017

Thanks for the catch, Phyllis. Much appreciated - Craig

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written opening paragraph. It seems to be a mystery writer who will be locating to a mysterious place all alone to write about the happenings experienced by many people at the location.

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2017

Thanks for reviewing and for the kind comments, Sandra. To be honest, even I don't know yet who he is or what he is doing there :) Many thanks, Craig

Comment from bichonfrisegirl

Excellent

Great job on this, Craig. Virtual six. You grabbed my attention and I'm anxious to read more. In a mere 150 words you've managed to say a lot and get your reader interested. You have your reader guessing what these "mysterious lights" could possibly be (aliens??). Darn, I have to wait to find out. This is well written with crystal clear imagery created for your reader. "what he hoped would not be his last entry" really intrigues the reader and the reader knows that they are in for a great read. So very well done! ~~ Connie

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017

Thanks very much for the lovely comments, Connie. I hope one day there will be more for people to read lol. Cheers, Craig

reply by bichonfrisegirl on 20-Oct-2017

I hope so too, Craig.

Comment from Gloria ....

Exceptional

Oh boy! Bioluminescent Fungi. I was hoping someone was going to write about that. On a serious note this is great story opening because it's sounding science fiction/horror to me and my opinion there isn't enough science fiction in the world. Other than chemtrails, lack of science fiction is our main social disease.

On thing the opening sentence is run on and has far too much in it. I hope you write that into two, but other than that, you're good to go.

Looking forward to the story.

Gloria

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2017

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2017

Damn it, Gloria. I spent what was probably minutes, but felt like hours, constructing that long-winded sentence. Nevertheless, since you were the second person in two reviews to comment about it (and not, I suspect, the last), I've given in and split it, as you suggested. I liked it, but I'm weird. Thanks for the great suggestion, and the terrific rating - cheers, Craig