Record of Life
The record of life spins. Who loses or wins?63 total reviews
Comment from Lucian Carter
That is definitely a song, not just a poem. The chorus repeats at the perfect times. It flows well. The varied subject matter gels incredibly well. Overall, quite good.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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That is definitely a song, not just a poem. The chorus repeats at the perfect times. It flows well. The varied subject matter gels incredibly well. Overall, quite good.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Yes, Lucian, gelling the subject of records with a threatened shooting of an unarmed black boy is a stroke of genius. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Angela VA
Your lyrics are well done and would make a great song. Do you already have music that goes with it? I'm sorry you had that traumatic experience. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Your lyrics are well done and would make a great song. Do you already have music that goes with it? I'm sorry you had that traumatic experience. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Thank you, Angela, for your review and for calling this a great song, although it is about a traumatic event.
No, I do not have any music for it yet, and I play no instrument. My songwriting classmates suggested that I collaborate with musicians who could come up with the music for it.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Pantygynt
I know i must be getting past it when I find "forty fives" having to be defined in the notes.
As an occasional songwriter myself I am interested in how you see the composer coping with the long lined verse (11) that is clearly intended to be pivotal. I also wonder about the overall length of the piece. Generally speaking four minutes is about the maximum with three being ideal.
That said the idea behind this is a good one and something that needs to be said or indeed sung.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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I know i must be getting past it when I find "forty fives" having to be defined in the notes.
As an occasional songwriter myself I am interested in how you see the composer coping with the long lined verse (11) that is clearly intended to be pivotal. I also wonder about the overall length of the piece. Generally speaking four minutes is about the maximum with three being ideal.
That said the idea behind this is a good one and something that needs to be said or indeed sung.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2017
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Yes, Jim, I could not trust that the young digital people today would know what forty-fives were.
As to the long line verse, that in musical term is known as a bridge. Two-thirds into many songs, there is often a change from the repetition of verses and choruses to provide the listeners' ears with something different. Sometimes the bridge is instrumental and other times there are lyrics that elaborate on the message. Look at the lyrics for The Police's "Every Breath You Take." Most of the lines are short in length but there is one section where Sting doubles the length of the lines to elaborate on the message. That's the bridge. I like to use the bridge as the dramatic high point of my song, the pivot.
https://www.elyrics.net/read/p/police-lyrics/every-breath-you-take-lyrics.html
As for song length, my songwriting teacher and peers state that my lyrics remind them of plays or musicals because I tell complex stories. I do not do repetitions of "I love you" for three minutes. They state my lyrics are theatrical, dramatic, and could be acted out on stage. In its first incarnation as an oral story, I performed this story on stage live in San Francisco and Las Vegas. My peers encourage me to get back on stage.
I have been studying long, narrative verse such as Virgil's The Aeneid, Chauncer's Canterbury Tales, and even Dylan's "Hurricane." I want to tell epic stories for our times.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from patcelaw
This time period was a time of unrest by some. Though many young teens were good and expressed themselves, but the clothes they wore. By the music they listened to. There have always been good and decent kids, and there will continue to be good ones. If only the media, would tell the stories of the good kids, the others would want to become like the good ones. It was a pleasure to have raised kids during the 10 years before the life of you teen, and getting to know them and interact with them. Many of them today are friends of mine on facebook. Patricia
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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This time period was a time of unrest by some. Though many young teens were good and expressed themselves, but the clothes they wore. By the music they listened to. There have always been good and decent kids, and there will continue to be good ones. If only the media, would tell the stories of the good kids, the others would want to become like the good ones. It was a pleasure to have raised kids during the 10 years before the life of you teen, and getting to know them and interact with them. Many of them today are friends of mine on facebook. Patricia
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Yes, Patricia, the time I described was changing for teens, indeed. Not everyone loves change, and will maintain their way of living and thinking. Thank you for your review and for sharing your memories and comments.
Comment from apky
Hullo Friend,
Received your new post(s). But I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Hullo Friend,
Received your new post(s). But I've been away last week and still will have little time to review all that I have in my messages box.
So this is my little apology to let you know I'm a bit indisposed at the moment and can't give the kind of comprehensive review I normally do for your chapters and posts. We have a very dear family friend who has been hospitalized and operated on, so I spend most days at the clinic and sorting out business paperwork.
I know it's a fake five stars, more or less. Please accept.
All the best,
Apky
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thank you, Apky, for your generous review. I wish the best for for your hospitalized family friend.
I graciously accept your apology and five stars.
Comment from Heather Knight
This is one of the best poems I have read in the past few... months.
I love the story and the repeating line. Even though your name is not here, I think I have heard you tell this anecdote before.
Anyway, I love your post.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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This is one of the best poems I have read in the past few... months.
I love the story and the repeating line. Even though your name is not here, I think I have heard you tell this anecdote before.
Anyway, I love your post.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Yes, Maria, good memory. This is a story worth retelling in the form of a song.
Thank you for your enthusiastic, six star review and for calling these lyrics one of the best things you have read in months.
Comment from dragonpoet
It is sad that such bigotry existed and still exists. I loved 45s. I owned many of them. I can' t believe the fear of having a gun trained on you while finding the song you want.
I think that middle stanza is to long. Or is it some sort of bridge?
Good luck and keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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It is sad that such bigotry existed and still exists. I loved 45s. I owned many of them. I can' t believe the fear of having a gun trained on you while finding the song you want.
I think that middle stanza is to long. Or is it some sort of bridge?
Good luck and keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Yes, DP, the middle stanza is a bridge modeled after the ones in songs such as The Police's "Every Breath You Take" and Jason Isbell's "Anxiety." Many songs have bridges today. I use them as a dramatic high point of my narrative. The only thing more dramatic than having a gun aimed at me while shopping is if the man had actually fired. The song and my life turns on this pivot like a record on a turntable. Thank you for your review.
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You could have him arrested for assault maybe. But with no proof it would have been hard to prove unless you could find the bullet.
You're welcome.
dp
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Unlikely, back then even the police stopped me while walking home from school and told me not to linger in ?their? neighborhood.
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That is sad.
Joan
Comment from Sanku
"what is coming round the bend" this is what we always worry or wonder
I still do.
nice lyrics highly suitable to sing especially with the refrains
records had their own charms.i too miss them
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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"what is coming round the bend" this is what we always worry or wonder
I still do.
nice lyrics highly suitable to sing especially with the refrains
records had their own charms.i too miss them
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Yes, Sanku, "What's comin' 'round the bend?" We do not know, or could it be more shootings of unarmed people like the incident we had in Vegas last week? Thank you for your review.
Comment from Chrissy710
Hi Mystery Author I read this twice and then your authors notes to see where this came from and it then came together. i would like to listen to this with a tune behind it and I thik it could be a good song Good luck in the contest Cheers Christine Has Potential
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Hi Mystery Author I read this twice and then your authors notes to see where this came from and it then came together. i would like to listen to this with a tune behind it and I thik it could be a good song Good luck in the contest Cheers Christine Has Potential
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Thank you, Christine, for your review and encouragement. Yes, I would love to have a tune put to it. Thanks for saying that this has potential and thank you for wishing me good luck in the contest.
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You are welcome
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
Vety well-written song lyrics of yesteryear when life was safer and less complicated without excessive technology that rules our live from early morning till late at night.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Vety well-written song lyrics of yesteryear when life was safer and less complicated without excessive technology that rules our live from early morning till late at night.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2017
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2017
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Oh, thank you, Sandra, for your review of my nostalgic song lyrics. Given that the secondhand store owner aimed a gun at me while I shopped for records, I do not feel that yesteryear was either safer or less complicated. Things repeat like a skip on a record. Thanks again.
