The Eidolon
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Chapter 2 - Part 1: Visitation"Family heinously murdered. The question is by who?
11 total reviews
Comment from teols2016
Another strong installment. However, I'm noticing you unnessesarily call an object by another name in the same sentence.
Example:
"The Detective unholstered his pistol, and handed the firearm to the guard."
Using a word like "it" the second time would be fine.
Otherwise, well done.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2017
  |
Another strong installment. However, I'm noticing you unnessesarily call an object by another name in the same sentence.
Example:
"The Detective unholstered his pistol, and handed the firearm to the guard."
Using a word like "it" the second time would be fine.
Otherwise, well done.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2017
-
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello,
Good chapter.
Trig is a good name for a prison guard. :P
How are you doing? I've been around, just not reading a whole lot. My computer keeps dying on me, so I've been on FanArt more.
TC
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
|
Hello,
Good chapter.
Trig is a good name for a prison guard. :P
How are you doing? I've been around, just not reading a whole lot. My computer keeps dying on me, so I've been on FanArt more.
TC
Comment Written 18-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of chapter one.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hey Brett,
corpulent and capacious two new words for me ... love new words so thanks for that.
Seemed strange to call Drew Larsen a "patient", but then I suppose he would be if he killed his entire family and was only 13. I also like how you give the reader the descriptive background on building and setting. Nice work in this chapter.
xoxo deborah
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
|
Hey Brett,
corpulent and capacious two new words for me ... love new words so thanks for that.
Seemed strange to call Drew Larsen a "patient", but then I suppose he would be if he killed his entire family and was only 13. I also like how you give the reader the descriptive background on building and setting. Nice work in this chapter.
xoxo deborah
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter one.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
You always write such nice things that I enjoy reading. Still the next time I read something I never remember what the one before was all about.
I think I'll have to stop reading them as I'm getting so forgetful. This old lady doesn't remember much anymore. Short poems are better for me to read. Sorry.
Kat
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
|
Hi Brett,
You always write such nice things that I enjoy reading. Still the next time I read something I never remember what the one before was all about.
I think I'll have to stop reading them as I'm getting so forgetful. This old lady doesn't remember much anymore. Short poems are better for me to read. Sorry.
Kat
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
-
Always appreciate your comments, support, and reviews.
-
Thanks Brett. It's always nice to see you. Kat
Comment from Possummagic
I wasn't quite sure whether this was fact or fiction. Having read I now realise it was the latter. Just one suggestion if I may ( ignore me if you like but I'm married to an officer in the Australian Armed Forces) when guards who are usually ex military or police force shine their shoes to a glossy finish, they describe it as " spit polished" and yes, this disgusting practice does involve boot polish, spittle and a cloth. You can see your face in my husbands ceremonial shoes! Also it give s a bit of "guts" to the guard's appearance. A good read! PM
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
|
I wasn't quite sure whether this was fact or fiction. Having read I now realise it was the latter. Just one suggestion if I may ( ignore me if you like but I'm married to an officer in the Australian Armed Forces) when guards who are usually ex military or police force shine their shoes to a glossy finish, they describe it as " spit polished" and yes, this disgusting practice does involve boot polish, spittle and a cloth. You can see your face in my husbands ceremonial shoes! Also it give s a bit of "guts" to the guard's appearance. A good read! PM
Comment Written 15-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
-
Being ex-Army myself, I know all about "spit-shining" boots.
Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
It was easy to get a picture of inside the mental institution through your details Brett. Good place to end the chapter, leaving us hanging there in the stark white passage.
Going great,
cheers.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
|
It was easy to get a picture of inside the mental institution through your details Brett. Good place to end the chapter, leaving us hanging there in the stark white passage.
Going great,
cheers.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Sankey
Great reading and I do look forward to more of this. A bit of Spagarama today. Detective Darden visits Drew Larsen in the sanita(r)[t]ium
His consci(ence)[ous] coated
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
|
Great reading and I do look forward to more of this. A bit of Spagarama today. Detective Darden visits Drew Larsen in the sanita(r)[t]ium
His consci(ence)[ous] coated
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Appreciate the catches too.
Comment from doggymad
Nice well paced chapter which held my attention throughout.
The cast of characters is building up at a rate that is easy to absorb. My only complaint was that you left me hanging on for the next chapter :)
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
|
Nice well paced chapter which held my attention throughout.
The cast of characters is building up at a rate that is easy to absorb. My only complaint was that you left me hanging on for the next chapter :)
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of Chapter One.
I had to cut it off there, or by FanStory measures, it would be too long.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I truly love the way you lay out the scene and the descriptions put us in the story itself.
I found no problems and love the detail of even turning over the gun
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
|
I truly love the way you lay out the scene and the descriptions put us in the story itself.
I found no problems and love the detail of even turning over the gun
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
-
As always, appreciate your comments, support, and reviews.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written first chapter to further investigate the murder which the thirteen year old boy claimed that he wiped out his whole family in a gruesome way.
Typo
possessed while(white) walls, and a white ceiling with fluorescent panels. Darden followed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
|
A very well-written first chapter to further investigate the murder which the thirteen year old boy claimed that he wiped out his whole family in a gruesome way.
Typo
possessed while(white) walls, and a white ceiling with fluorescent panels. Darden followed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
-
Appreciate the catch on the word "while" that should have been "white".
Glad you enjoyed this portion of this chapter.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.