Random Reflections.
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Maya-A Dream State."Poems of Random wandering; an inward look.
2 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Still a couple of nits:
Once the Doer that reigned within
remove THAT
Once the Doer reigned within
Now, the Doer has departed from the shell,(;)
upon departing, it took the accounts of life,
This is one sentence, not two:
Lifeless as a corpse, handsome as you were.
Fulfilling the destiny-dust to dust, returning.
Suggest
Lifeless as a corpse, handsome as you were,
Fulfilling the destiny-dust to dust, returning.
First review (Four stars)
OM Namah Shivaya...nice Eastern influences here.
I totally resonate with the theme. Om Tat Sat Om!
However, there is some grammatical awkwardness that hampers flow. Some suggestions for your consideration:
The use of WHEN does not make sense in the first sentence. I suggest removing it and perhaps using:
Once, the Doer reigned within
*
With vitality, the prowess of youth(.)
Where is the valor and wisdom you had?
Now(,) the Doer has departed from its shell
using YOU and then ITS does not work. Either use you and yours or it and its
* having taken instead of took:
Took the accounts of life here lived.
*
Lifeless lays the corps, handsome as it is.(use comma not period since the gerund in next line is connected in one sentence)
corpse is misspelled
*
Fulfilling the destiny-D(d)ust to D(d)ust, returning.
So true:
The life lived was nothing but a dream-Maya.
In addition to the above critique, I further recommend not capping all lines so the sentence structure is more clear while reading. Example with all above suggestions:
Once, the Doer reigned within
with vitality, the prowess of youth.
Where is the valor and wisdom it had?
Now, the Doer has departed from its shell,
having taken the accounts of life here lived.
Lifeless lays the corpse, handsome as it is,
fulfilling the destiny-dust to dust, returning.
The life lived was nothing but a dream-Maya.
It's a good reflective write. Needs fine tuning. If you decide to revise at least the spag, let me know so I can upgrade your rating. Hope you found this helpful - that's the intent (seva!)
Namaste,
rd
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Second review
Still a couple of nits:
Once the Doer that reigned within
remove THAT
Once the Doer reigned within
Now, the Doer has departed from the shell,(;)
upon departing, it took the accounts of life,
This is one sentence, not two:
Lifeless as a corpse, handsome as you were.
Fulfilling the destiny-dust to dust, returning.
Suggest
Lifeless as a corpse, handsome as you were,
Fulfilling the destiny-dust to dust, returning.
First review (Four stars)
OM Namah Shivaya...nice Eastern influences here.
I totally resonate with the theme. Om Tat Sat Om!
However, there is some grammatical awkwardness that hampers flow. Some suggestions for your consideration:
The use of WHEN does not make sense in the first sentence. I suggest removing it and perhaps using:
Once, the Doer reigned within
*
With vitality, the prowess of youth(.)
Where is the valor and wisdom you had?
Now(,) the Doer has departed from its shell
using YOU and then ITS does not work. Either use you and yours or it and its
* having taken instead of took:
Took the accounts of life here lived.
*
Lifeless lays the corps, handsome as it is.(use comma not period since the gerund in next line is connected in one sentence)
corpse is misspelled
*
Fulfilling the destiny-D(d)ust to D(d)ust, returning.
So true:
The life lived was nothing but a dream-Maya.
In addition to the above critique, I further recommend not capping all lines so the sentence structure is more clear while reading. Example with all above suggestions:
Once, the Doer reigned within
with vitality, the prowess of youth.
Where is the valor and wisdom it had?
Now, the Doer has departed from its shell,
having taken the accounts of life here lived.
Lifeless lays the corpse, handsome as it is,
fulfilling the destiny-dust to dust, returning.
The life lived was nothing but a dream-Maya.
It's a good reflective write. Needs fine tuning. If you decide to revise at least the spag, let me know so I can upgrade your rating. Hope you found this helpful - that's the intent (seva!)
Namaste,
rd
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2017
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Very useful and helpful critical comments. many thanks for the same. I write impulsively and not deliberatnd yourely and rarely revisit the work-a weakness of my nature. I need to change this but I am not sure if I want to publish anything. Just express and let it go. I will correct the flaws asap. My regards.
PS. I quite didn't get the meaning of," I totally resonate with the theme. Om Tat Sat Om!" Please expand your thought; I will be much obliged.
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I just rewrote it and made improvement you recommended. Thanks.
Arun
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Glad to hear it. Ill make a second review now...please check it for further feedback...still needs work...
Warmly, rd
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Ah, yes, I wondered if you'd know those Sanskrit words...Om is the 'sound-syllable' containing all of creation like a seed. t sanctifies all mantras. TAT means THAT and SAT means truth. The mantra translates as OM, thou art That (capital 'T' because That denotes the supreme divine reality).
Warmly, rd
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks about Maya, a delusion, that we live in our mortal living, the spirit resides in our body we live and use our ego and aims for achievements, once life lived body goes, soul indestructible remains like dust; I like.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
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This speaks about Maya, a delusion, that we live in our mortal living, the spirit resides in our body we live and use our ego and aims for achievements, once life lived body goes, soul indestructible remains like dust; I like.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2017
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These thoughts rushed to my mind when I was looking at my dear departed friend's body. Seeing her lifeless,and beautiful, I wondered about my own mortality and wrote this poem as if I was talking to myself about me. Thanks for your gracious comments. Best regards and wishes,
Arun
