Miscellaneous stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Pacific Palms"Fiction and non-fiction prose
13 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a very good story and I see you won first in the contest, Craig. Super job. Your story has a double twist--the murder of Sandy and Troy conspiring for the anniversary party AND that the love affair was really true. Written well, interesting and intriguing for the reader. Marilyn
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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This is a very good story and I see you won first in the contest, Craig. Super job. Your story has a double twist--the murder of Sandy and Troy conspiring for the anniversary party AND that the love affair was really true. Written well, interesting and intriguing for the reader. Marilyn
Comment Written 22-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2017
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Thanks so much for the lovely review, Marilyn. I thought the twist with it just being a collusion on some innocent event might have been done before, so I decided to throw in the extra turn. Given that Liam doesn't strike me as a particularly nice person, it seemed appropriate his fears should be confirmed after he's topped himself - Craig
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It's a great ending--a double whammy. Isn't it funny how our characters take on a life of their own? Even we don't know how they will turn out. :) Marilyn
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
What a great story, Craig! It just goes to show how someone can jump to the wrong conclusions. So maybe we shouldn't plan SURPRISE parties? :)
Congrats on your win for the Character contest. You did a great job in the writing of this very entertaining story. I love it! It's a very believable story. One can easily envision a spouse's reaction to seeing such an email on their better half's computer.
Perfectly written and presented. I wouldn't change a single thing. I really enjoyed this! ~ ~ Connie
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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What a great story, Craig! It just goes to show how someone can jump to the wrong conclusions. So maybe we shouldn't plan SURPRISE parties? :)
Congrats on your win for the Character contest. You did a great job in the writing of this very entertaining story. I love it! It's a very believable story. One can easily envision a spouse's reaction to seeing such an email on their better half's computer.
Perfectly written and presented. I wouldn't change a single thing. I really enjoyed this! ~ ~ Connie
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Connie, for the wonderfully generous comments. I'm actually a little disturbed that this story came out of my head so easily lol. I'm the one in my household who generally stays away from the gory and unpleasant on TV. Your kind words and gift of the six stars are very happily received. Craig
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Craig,
Congrats on winning the contest. I'm thinking Liam should have asked some questions before jumping to conclusions. This was truly a horror filled piece and well written. No wonder you won the contest!!
I just had one small edit:
He'd turned up at the local for after work drinks with his wife before they took in their usual Friday night movie - "date night", they called it - but he'd arrived 15 minutes earlier than usual. (local pub?)
Awesome job!
Kim
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Hi Craig,
Congrats on winning the contest. I'm thinking Liam should have asked some questions before jumping to conclusions. This was truly a horror filled piece and well written. No wonder you won the contest!!
I just had one small edit:
He'd turned up at the local for after work drinks with his wife before they took in their usual Friday night movie - "date night", they called it - but he'd arrived 15 minutes earlier than usual. (local pub?)
Awesome job!
Kim
Comment Written 21-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2017
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Thanks for the lovely comments, Kim. Also, I'm grateful for every suggestion. In this case, it's simply a matter of regional vernacular again - "local" is a synonym for "pub" in many parts (no doubt at some point in time, years ago, "local pub" was just abbreviated by lazy people). Thanks for reading and reviewing :)
Craig
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You and Hitcher are on the same wavelength. Read his poem on the welcome page... Damnation's Clock or something like that. You are two peas in a pod lol
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Haha - I see what you mean!
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Hitcher is a Kiwi... must be something going on over there in your part of the world! lol And I thought it was the US that got the shadows today ;) Talk about an eclipse!
Oh, I've devised a new form... want to give me an opinion before I post? Turn on your messenger :)
Kim
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2017
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 20-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Contest Committee, for the great honour. I'm thrilled to receive it. Craig
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed your story, albeit a tragic one. So, his first inclination was correct; his wife was cheating on him with Troy. You've got some great imagery, particularly with the killing of Sandra and Troy on the veranda. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
I noticed you substituted the names of your characters in favor of the last name for both Troy and Liam. In such a short story, you may want to stick with just first names, or maybe including a character list for reference.
standing over a form laying on the boards. --I believe it is lying, to rest or recline.
Weston slowly walked the twelve feet to the front door, and stepped inside. --Not sure about your comma. Weston performs two actions walked and stepped.
Overall, very good work!
Good luck in the contest,
Russell
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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I enjoyed your story, albeit a tragic one. So, his first inclination was correct; his wife was cheating on him with Troy. You've got some great imagery, particularly with the killing of Sandra and Troy on the veranda. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
I noticed you substituted the names of your characters in favor of the last name for both Troy and Liam. In such a short story, you may want to stick with just first names, or maybe including a character list for reference.
standing over a form laying on the boards. --I believe it is lying, to rest or recline.
Weston slowly walked the twelve feet to the front door, and stepped inside. --Not sure about your comma. Weston performs two actions walked and stepped.
Overall, very good work!
Good luck in the contest,
Russell
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Russell - they're much appreciated. Thanks for the good wishes as well. Craig.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Craig,
I enjoyed this tale. You captured the little bits of the essence the picture gives off... money, computer usage, and face into the hands -- what this guy must be imagining as he reads into a situation. His character, what I read into him... entitled, confident and a huge ego, shattered into senseless rage and violence after believing himself to be betrayed. Even though he seems to have a nasty streak in him, flipping from adoration to absolute hate of the purest degree, his friends and family didn't expect the type of man he might be... a type of man you don't cross, apparently. Though he garnered some of my sympathy to start, I think the tale unfolded well that I didn't really like him , and didn't find it hard to believe when he starts the butcher-fest, and something feels very wrong about it.
The end is unfortunate as the reader learns this is a tale of misunderstanding. I do also happen to have a bias that a bad person will jump to see bad things... (as well as an opening that a person once burned will happen to see bad things, so I wasn't sure which he was, until more in the middle)
I didn't have any troubles with the writing, save for a few minor suggestions for you to consider... the rest is less useful, as it's just me experiencing this work as it happens:
My thoughts along the way:
Don't forget the Dom Perignon!
(Uh-oh... that's not a letter to Liam, what I take here at this point... Sandy be Liam's woman, and Troy is not a girl. Though it could be a girl, but based on Liam's reaction... not a girl)
Nothing is ever enough for your kind.
(Uh-oh, a lot of rage and entitlement there. Insta-expecting that money should ensure a kind of loyalty. And with his tone and focus, I wonder if he's a stalker... considering that he's reading email's not to him. Gives a stalker vibe--and I'm making no assumptions on high-school sweetheart being 100% his yet)
mortgage broking business. THAT Troy -
(Hmmm... the complications stack. The picture comes into focus. This becomes a sense of bigger betrayal in Liam's life. Though it is telling that his reaction is rage before devastation. I think I would feel devastation and uncertainty before rage, but it is more believable to me his is straight to rage (because I'm biased on how people get to high stress jobs like this)
"And I must be going, Wendy will rip me a new one if I
(Ha! Boy oh boy would I be in trouble. My college guy-friend was notorious for running away when my boyfriend would come home. I'm surprised I never got accused of anything. And considering I still visit my college guy-friend 'unchaperoned', ugh, I can only hope I'd get the benefit of the doubt in something like this. Especially if my texts were misinterpreted, as I'm loyal and true. But... not everyone is. That's with my own friend, however. I think it would be way different if I was hanging out was with one of his friends. Things that make you say... Hmmmm.)
Blood is thicker than water, right(,) Gerry?
(suggest comma)
stair. How boring Troy's(Troy's? or Liam's?) day could have
(check, did you get the right name here?)
When he'd hacked in this morning (he'd found)?, along with the quarterly electricity bill and an email from BodyFit, her SMTP server had delivered the final piece in the puzzle - all the evidence he needed. (I stumbled over this sentence a bit)
Hearing the faint footstep behind him, Troy turned, a brief look of recognition appearing on his face. "Liam..."
(Uh oh-- I don't think this bodes well for Troy)
like a rag doll as he smashed the skull of the now limp form of Troy beyond recognition.
(blind rage, chilling and ... yikes! The pace of the read amps up through here, and my attention focused.)
The still(-)glowing butt of the cigarette on the ground shed an eerie light on the dark(,) red pool that was slowly
(nice details, not sure if still glowing is a compound adjective, but I think it might be. Suggest comma to signify if the pool is dark or the red is dark? Meaning, if you mean the red is what is dark... then it's correct, but if it's the pool thats... actually I'm not sure, and it's a minor ... Crud. I'm not even sure why suggested it.)
She looks beautiful, for a slut.
(She's got an awful choice in man. Liam is not likable, even though it's framed as him being wronged, I don't think I like him much.)
he saw could best be described as total incomprehension.
(Innocence... : ( Uhg, I got a bad feeling.
Her mouth {was moving}(moved)? as if she was conversing
(suggest maybe switching to the moved... not strongly, but with the 'was conversing...' oh. I wonder if this should be as if she were conversing... because she's not truly conversing... )
remove the filth from his front porch.
(Insanity that he thinks he's getting away with it without even an attempt at anything to cover it up? Doesn't he realize he's suspect #1? probably not. Red-state violence doesn't come with a lot of bigger picture thought, plus... I'm sure he's got a great lawyer. Why should he worry over killing those two people?)
Liam raised the knife, and placed it below his left ear...
(Oh no! the classic lover's misunderstanding leading to grim consequences. This reminds me of one of my favorite tales form the Crypt episodes,
This story isn't too similar ... save for the general frame of how easy it is for a husband to suspect and kill his wife for cheating when all she's doing is planning a party.
In the tales from the crypt that played with this concept, husband misunderstands what his wife and best friend are doing... but when he drags her dead body into the house or where-ever, he's faced with a 'congrats, you're a dad' ... party) Uhg! The guy actually smiled for a second before he looks down at his harpooned wife and was like... oh crap! That's what she was up to... surprise, indeed.
Note to self ... do not plan ANY surprise parties for my husband, especially with his guy friends. ; D
This was well done with this theme, great mix of horror and irony, and fleshing out the character in him getting there, with enough painting the possibility HE's being wronged to make the end uncertain for me. I didn't start to worry that this was going to flip in this direction until I realized she was innocent.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hey, Craig,
I enjoyed this tale. You captured the little bits of the essence the picture gives off... money, computer usage, and face into the hands -- what this guy must be imagining as he reads into a situation. His character, what I read into him... entitled, confident and a huge ego, shattered into senseless rage and violence after believing himself to be betrayed. Even though he seems to have a nasty streak in him, flipping from adoration to absolute hate of the purest degree, his friends and family didn't expect the type of man he might be... a type of man you don't cross, apparently. Though he garnered some of my sympathy to start, I think the tale unfolded well that I didn't really like him , and didn't find it hard to believe when he starts the butcher-fest, and something feels very wrong about it.
The end is unfortunate as the reader learns this is a tale of misunderstanding. I do also happen to have a bias that a bad person will jump to see bad things... (as well as an opening that a person once burned will happen to see bad things, so I wasn't sure which he was, until more in the middle)
I didn't have any troubles with the writing, save for a few minor suggestions for you to consider... the rest is less useful, as it's just me experiencing this work as it happens:
My thoughts along the way:
Don't forget the Dom Perignon!
(Uh-oh... that's not a letter to Liam, what I take here at this point... Sandy be Liam's woman, and Troy is not a girl. Though it could be a girl, but based on Liam's reaction... not a girl)
Nothing is ever enough for your kind.
(Uh-oh, a lot of rage and entitlement there. Insta-expecting that money should ensure a kind of loyalty. And with his tone and focus, I wonder if he's a stalker... considering that he's reading email's not to him. Gives a stalker vibe--and I'm making no assumptions on high-school sweetheart being 100% his yet)
mortgage broking business. THAT Troy -
(Hmmm... the complications stack. The picture comes into focus. This becomes a sense of bigger betrayal in Liam's life. Though it is telling that his reaction is rage before devastation. I think I would feel devastation and uncertainty before rage, but it is more believable to me his is straight to rage (because I'm biased on how people get to high stress jobs like this)
"And I must be going, Wendy will rip me a new one if I
(Ha! Boy oh boy would I be in trouble. My college guy-friend was notorious for running away when my boyfriend would come home. I'm surprised I never got accused of anything. And considering I still visit my college guy-friend 'unchaperoned', ugh, I can only hope I'd get the benefit of the doubt in something like this. Especially if my texts were misinterpreted, as I'm loyal and true. But... not everyone is. That's with my own friend, however. I think it would be way different if I was hanging out was with one of his friends. Things that make you say... Hmmmm.)
Blood is thicker than water, right(,) Gerry?
(suggest comma)
stair. How boring Troy's(Troy's? or Liam's?) day could have
(check, did you get the right name here?)
When he'd hacked in this morning (he'd found)?, along with the quarterly electricity bill and an email from BodyFit, her SMTP server had delivered the final piece in the puzzle - all the evidence he needed. (I stumbled over this sentence a bit)
Hearing the faint footstep behind him, Troy turned, a brief look of recognition appearing on his face. "Liam..."
(Uh oh-- I don't think this bodes well for Troy)
like a rag doll as he smashed the skull of the now limp form of Troy beyond recognition.
(blind rage, chilling and ... yikes! The pace of the read amps up through here, and my attention focused.)
The still(-)glowing butt of the cigarette on the ground shed an eerie light on the dark(,) red pool that was slowly
(nice details, not sure if still glowing is a compound adjective, but I think it might be. Suggest comma to signify if the pool is dark or the red is dark? Meaning, if you mean the red is what is dark... then it's correct, but if it's the pool thats... actually I'm not sure, and it's a minor ... Crud. I'm not even sure why suggested it.)
She looks beautiful, for a slut.
(She's got an awful choice in man. Liam is not likable, even though it's framed as him being wronged, I don't think I like him much.)
he saw could best be described as total incomprehension.
(Innocence... : ( Uhg, I got a bad feeling.
Her mouth {was moving}(moved)? as if she was conversing
(suggest maybe switching to the moved... not strongly, but with the 'was conversing...' oh. I wonder if this should be as if she were conversing... because she's not truly conversing... )
remove the filth from his front porch.
(Insanity that he thinks he's getting away with it without even an attempt at anything to cover it up? Doesn't he realize he's suspect #1? probably not. Red-state violence doesn't come with a lot of bigger picture thought, plus... I'm sure he's got a great lawyer. Why should he worry over killing those two people?)
Liam raised the knife, and placed it below his left ear...
(Oh no! the classic lover's misunderstanding leading to grim consequences. This reminds me of one of my favorite tales form the Crypt episodes,
This story isn't too similar ... save for the general frame of how easy it is for a husband to suspect and kill his wife for cheating when all she's doing is planning a party.
In the tales from the crypt that played with this concept, husband misunderstands what his wife and best friend are doing... but when he drags her dead body into the house or where-ever, he's faced with a 'congrats, you're a dad' ... party) Uhg! The guy actually smiled for a second before he looks down at his harpooned wife and was like... oh crap! That's what she was up to... surprise, indeed.
Note to self ... do not plan ANY surprise parties for my husband, especially with his guy friends. ; D
This was well done with this theme, great mix of horror and irony, and fleshing out the character in him getting there, with enough painting the possibility HE's being wronged to make the end uncertain for me. I didn't start to worry that this was going to flip in this direction until I realized she was innocent.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi Turtle,
It was meant to be kind of a double twist. He kills them because he suspects them of cheating, but all they were doing was planning a surprise party. When he realises his "mistake", he kills himself out of shame/remorse/guilt? But then, after he does that, we learn from the fax they HAD been cheating - kind of a karmic payback for nasty Mr Liam. He's not a very nice man, and it worries me a bit I was able to get inside his head lol I'm not in the slightest the jealous type myself... really!
Thanks so much for all the excellent suggestions - most of which I have attended to, and especially for catching my use of the wrong name - that was a big one.
I'd give you a review vote in a heartbeat, except I can't. If my deepest thanks are any substitute, you have them :)
Craig
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Dang it, Craig... I'm super dunce. I didn't get that from the end. I just assumed that the two of them(Sandy and Troy) were working together and that the hotel room was for Liam and Sandy as an after party surprise, not that it was for Sandy and Troy. (I sensed that to mention the hotel for the happy couple was odd as a post addition, but I took it as a twist of the knife... that the two worked so hard to make a second surprise for Liam and Sandy) I know that it was addressed to Sandy and Troy, but I thought it was because the Sandy didn't want the hotel to ruin the surprise.)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Now that's an opening line...
(although I think it's usually farther for physical distance, although this may be going 'out of fashion') [shame it turns out to only be metaphorical]
You could be a bit more specific about his suit if you really wanted to show off as Saville Row refers not to a specific tailor but the street they're situated in.. (although one is called The Savile Row Company). Also, Savile only has one 'L'.
Can anyone say "deer in the headlights?" - not 1005 positive here but I think the question mark should be outside of the quote marks as it pertains to the sentence rather than the quote.
"Shut up, you bitch".- I think the full stop should be inside the speech marks here.
This was engrossing and paced very well. A great study on Liam's state of mind within the framework of the plot too.
Very nice. I expect this one will do very well.
G
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi there,
Now that's an opening line...
(although I think it's usually farther for physical distance, although this may be going 'out of fashion') [shame it turns out to only be metaphorical]
You could be a bit more specific about his suit if you really wanted to show off as Saville Row refers not to a specific tailor but the street they're situated in.. (although one is called The Savile Row Company). Also, Savile only has one 'L'.
Can anyone say "deer in the headlights?" - not 1005 positive here but I think the question mark should be outside of the quote marks as it pertains to the sentence rather than the quote.
"Shut up, you bitch".- I think the full stop should be inside the speech marks here.
This was engrossing and paced very well. A great study on Liam's state of mind within the framework of the plot too.
Very nice. I expect this one will do very well.
G
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Hi GMG,
Thanks for picking up on the spelling, also the couple of grammar glitches. Your comments and kind words are very much appreciated.
Craig
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Well didn't he spoil the surprise, the moral is not everyone likes a surprise. Well done Craig, that was a good twist in the end with all the guests waiting to yell surprise, and weren't they all. You've certainly shown us a jealous, angry husband and friend who was willing to believe the worst. Good luck in the contest, enjoyed this one.
cheers.
valda
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Well didn't he spoil the surprise, the moral is not everyone likes a surprise. Well done Craig, that was a good twist in the end with all the guests waiting to yell surprise, and weren't they all. You've certainly shown us a jealous, angry husband and friend who was willing to believe the worst. Good luck in the contest, enjoyed this one.
cheers.
valda
Comment Written 15-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2017
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Thanks so much, Valda. I think he might have had anger management issues :)
I appreciate the kind comments and good wishes. Craig
Comment from Gloria ....
Hey Craig, this is definitely a twist with a twist. The moral of the story is don't plan surprise anniversary parties, even if it also includes a clandestine affair too. Some terrific images, particularly with the sizzling cigarette in spilled blood. The only thing that jarred me a little was the mention of Liam's S500 Mercedes and 4500 Saville Row suit, but it definitely does speak to his focus on the trappings of financial success.
A most interesting and convoluted tale, so I wish you all the best in the contest.
Gloria
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hey Craig, this is definitely a twist with a twist. The moral of the story is don't plan surprise anniversary parties, even if it also includes a clandestine affair too. Some terrific images, particularly with the sizzling cigarette in spilled blood. The only thing that jarred me a little was the mention of Liam's S500 Mercedes and 4500 Saville Row suit, but it definitely does speak to his focus on the trappings of financial success.
A most interesting and convoluted tale, so I wish you all the best in the contest.
Gloria
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Thanks, Gloria, for checking out my story and for the kind comments. I could be letting the cat out of the bag here, but I was only imagining what someone with a seven figure income might spend their money on. Personally, I haven't earned that little in decades! ;-)
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I hear ya, Craig. I would've called the Mercedes my old beater only driven to work because of all the lousy piece of shit city drivers.
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Too right, and besides - Jeeves scratched the door on a shopping trolley the other day when the wind caught it. Now I'm going to have to get a new one.
Comment from strandregs
Hey C.
Enjoyed reading your story.
Nice double twist to confound the reader.
Very well narrated
Moral always keep your socks on .
Your wife is always an angel.
.your sugar might be cocaine.
Z.:-)).
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Hey C.
Enjoyed reading your story.
Nice double twist to confound the reader.
Very well narrated
Moral always keep your socks on .
Your wife is always an angel.
.your sugar might be cocaine.
Z.:-)).
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2017
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Haha - thanks for the great comments :) Glad you enjoyed the extra little twist at the end. All the best, Craig