Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Lunch with Abby"All chapters
6 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Marv. This chapter is clearly written with just the right amount of humor. It's easier for me to read when the gag lines are spaced out a bit and then they are more impactful than when they follow one after the other. (Don't worry! It's probably me. I'm not a ball of fire when it comes to getting jokes.) My favorite part was the ending when Russ describes his own life. Marilyn
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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Hi Marv. This chapter is clearly written with just the right amount of humor. It's easier for me to read when the gag lines are spaced out a bit and then they are more impactful than when they follow one after the other. (Don't worry! It's probably me. I'm not a ball of fire when it comes to getting jokes.) My favorite part was the ending when Russ describes his own life. Marilyn
Comment Written 30-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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Thanks for reviewing, Marilyn.
His life could have been divulged in dribs and drabs but I thought all-at-once was preferable. Glad you agree.
Thanks for the compliment.
Marv
Comment from Jay Squires
If he is one of the two partners, [you need to be consistently in the past tense.]
You know, as I read deeper into this, I see you consistently bounce back and forth into the past and back to the present. I can only suggest you work through it again, keeping it in one tense and see if you lose anything in the process. Your storyline flows well, so I am hesitant to make considerations based on tense.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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If he is one of the two partners, [you need to be consistently in the past tense.]
You know, as I read deeper into this, I see you consistently bounce back and forth into the past and back to the present. I can only suggest you work through it again, keeping it in one tense and see if you lose anything in the process. Your storyline flows well, so I am hesitant to make considerations based on tense.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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Sorry it took so long to get back to you.
Thank you for pointing out my inconsistencies with tense.
Your continued support means a lot to me. Thanks for the 5 stars.
Marv
Comment from Thal1959
a Lenova laptop.
Marvin, you are showing promise as a storyteller. (I am saying this because I don't think I've read any of your work before.) But you seem to struggle a bit with punctuation.
"A lone diner(,) watching from the booth behind us, quickly turned away[,] leading me to believe he had been listening to our every word." The comma in parenthesis after "diner" should be included in the line. The comma in brackets is optional - you can keep it or remove it - but it isn't really necessary.
"...brought a sleeping bag.This third degree..." (Missed the space after the period.)
"...her full attention to her "Boggie Burger." (The nickname is usually rendered "Bogey.")
"I was born in Baltimore about twenty-four years ago. Worked in a sign shop after school. I majored in film at Towson University. Was an on-site observer with a local film crew, where I received some valuable on-the-job experience, without benefit of salary." There are too many fragmented sentences that, since the are in essence a list of your life experiences, could be better rendered with a colon and a few conjunctions, such as...
"I was born in Baltimore about twenty-four years ago. (I) [w]orked in a sign shop after school(:) [I] (sic) majored in film at Towson University, [w]as an on-site observer with a local film crew, where I received some valuable on-the-job experience, without benefit of salary." The parenthesis show what should be added. Brackets are for the things removed or modified. A colon is usually employed when a string of two or more clauses or descriptions regarding the same subject follow. Here it is cleaned-up...
"I was born in Baltimore about twenty-four years ago. I worked in a sign shop after school: majored in film at Towson University, was an on-site observer with a local film crew, where I received some valuable on-the-job experience, without benefit of salary."
"...and constructs customized mobiles and collages as a well(-)paying hobby." Just needs a hyphen between "well" and "paying."
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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a Lenova laptop.
Marvin, you are showing promise as a storyteller. (I am saying this because I don't think I've read any of your work before.) But you seem to struggle a bit with punctuation.
"A lone diner(,) watching from the booth behind us, quickly turned away[,] leading me to believe he had been listening to our every word." The comma in parenthesis after "diner" should be included in the line. The comma in brackets is optional - you can keep it or remove it - but it isn't really necessary.
"...brought a sleeping bag.This third degree..." (Missed the space after the period.)
"...her full attention to her "Boggie Burger." (The nickname is usually rendered "Bogey.")
"I was born in Baltimore about twenty-four years ago. Worked in a sign shop after school. I majored in film at Towson University. Was an on-site observer with a local film crew, where I received some valuable on-the-job experience, without benefit of salary." There are too many fragmented sentences that, since the are in essence a list of your life experiences, could be better rendered with a colon and a few conjunctions, such as...
"I was born in Baltimore about twenty-four years ago. (I) [w]orked in a sign shop after school(:) [I] (sic) majored in film at Towson University, [w]as an on-site observer with a local film crew, where I received some valuable on-the-job experience, without benefit of salary." The parenthesis show what should be added. Brackets are for the things removed or modified. A colon is usually employed when a string of two or more clauses or descriptions regarding the same subject follow. Here it is cleaned-up...
"I was born in Baltimore about twenty-four years ago. I worked in a sign shop after school: majored in film at Towson University, was an on-site observer with a local film crew, where I received some valuable on-the-job experience, without benefit of salary."
"...and constructs customized mobiles and collages as a well(-)paying hobby." Just needs a hyphen between "well" and "paying."
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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I'm sorry it took me so long to thank you for pointing out my errors in punctuation. The corrections have been made.
It was kind of you to provide such a thorough review.
Here's a recent review you gave me for Signman Says: June & July 2000.
A sort of dizzy collection of humor mixed with a dash of truth; or at least truisms. It's strange, but it doesn't matter, because it's an enjoyable read. Sort of like some of the Henny Youngman one-liners; "I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way home." Comment Written 24-Jul-2017 by Thal1959 5 *
Thanks again for that nice review.
Marv
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Thanks for understanding. P.S. I forgot to mention, the girl breaks out a Lenova laptop. I have a Lenovo.
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Thanks for clearing that up. I was wondering why your review began with those words. By using a name, I was hoping to get some product placement $$ and a reminder to try for same in my film scripts.
Marv
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi Marv/Bill; it sounds like Russ may indeed get an additional plot, but I can only imagine the tedium of sitting with someone like Abby for a meal. (I personally hate when someone takes food from my plate.)
Your prose flow well and I didn't find any nits or SPAG. The plot of this story is moving well, and you gave us some good information about the main character in this chapter.
Looking forward to more,
~patty~
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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Hi Marv/Bill; it sounds like Russ may indeed get an additional plot, but I can only imagine the tedium of sitting with someone like Abby for a meal. (I personally hate when someone takes food from my plate.)
Your prose flow well and I didn't find any nits or SPAG. The plot of this story is moving well, and you gave us some good information about the main character in this chapter.
Looking forward to more,
~patty~
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2017
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Thanks for reviewing.
I just realized that you usually look for nits and SPAG and I appreciate that.
The method you employ to review a piece is beneficial to my writing. It's comforting to know you're looking forward to more.
Marv
Comment from pome lover
Russ - you got 5 points and 52 cents - more than I!!!
this is good. I love "I reciprocated by not paying them." silly man!
whole thing is clever and entertaining. Also love your being 26. uhuh. cute beginning with her eating your 'shrooms. (I probably would've, too. :)
really liked this. looking forward to next installment.
pome lover
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Russ - you got 5 points and 52 cents - more than I!!!
this is good. I love "I reciprocated by not paying them." silly man!
whole thing is clever and entertaining. Also love your being 26. uhuh. cute beginning with her eating your 'shrooms. (I probably would've, too. :)
really liked this. looking forward to next installment.
pome lover
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Thanks for reviewing.
Glad you thought it was good. Thanks for the compliments.
I like being in my twenties.
Thanks for the five stars.
I have to keep this story moving.
Marv
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is very well written. You have a real talent. The characters are witty. especially the fledgling screen writer, This would be an excellent script. I'm surprised you didn't write it as a script.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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This is very well written. You have a real talent. The characters are witty. especially the fledgling screen writer, This would be an excellent script. I'm surprised you didn't write it as a script.
Comment Written 29-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2017
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Thanks for the compliments. I'd like to discuss your suggestion, via email, when you have the time. Thanks for the high rating.
Marv