Patterns
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Pieces"poetry
16 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Love the unique voicing of this and the extended metaphor to explore this great theme.
Good AHA effects.
Fine free verse style with fluid flow.
I did not find it minimalist, so much, though--not with all the filler words. If you want it minimalist, I suggest trimming some THEs, like in the opening lines, for example, which read better without them(IMHO). Also, I suggest not capping each line (optional, of course). Additionally, I suggest a hyphen on ready-to-assemble.
Example edit of opening:
Pieces of parts,
pieces of parts of whole pieces,
pieces included in packages of assemblies
along with the ready-to-assemble pieces--
furniture pieces of furnished apartments
and moving pieces that move around
Please read aloud this version and the original to decide if you like the suggestions.
I like the piecing of pieces in your poem! Well done.
Nice word play here:
The blank pieces of paper
We write our poetry pieces
And pieces of music on
A piece of my mind
Made up out of the pieces
That I find scattered around, piecemeal
It might be fun to play a pun with peace of mind, too! *wink*
*spag suggestion:
The game pieces we move around on our game boards with,(NO COMMA)
Rolling the dice, counting our steps, going back three spaces
Perfect closing aha:
And all those missing pieces
We always seem to be looking for
This could be a six with a bit more fine tuning.
Enjoyed!
Bravo.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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Love the unique voicing of this and the extended metaphor to explore this great theme.
Good AHA effects.
Fine free verse style with fluid flow.
I did not find it minimalist, so much, though--not with all the filler words. If you want it minimalist, I suggest trimming some THEs, like in the opening lines, for example, which read better without them(IMHO). Also, I suggest not capping each line (optional, of course). Additionally, I suggest a hyphen on ready-to-assemble.
Example edit of opening:
Pieces of parts,
pieces of parts of whole pieces,
pieces included in packages of assemblies
along with the ready-to-assemble pieces--
furniture pieces of furnished apartments
and moving pieces that move around
Please read aloud this version and the original to decide if you like the suggestions.
I like the piecing of pieces in your poem! Well done.
Nice word play here:
The blank pieces of paper
We write our poetry pieces
And pieces of music on
A piece of my mind
Made up out of the pieces
That I find scattered around, piecemeal
It might be fun to play a pun with peace of mind, too! *wink*
*spag suggestion:
The game pieces we move around on our game boards with,(NO COMMA)
Rolling the dice, counting our steps, going back three spaces
Perfect closing aha:
And all those missing pieces
We always seem to be looking for
This could be a six with a bit more fine tuning.
Enjoyed!
Bravo.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your excellent review and all your interesting comments and suggestions. I might trim it back a bit to tighten it up. It might be better without the 'the's'. Glad you enjoyed it and found it so compelling. Hope to hear from you soon estory
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Thanks for your gracious response. Glad you found my review helpful. Best, rd
Comment from Joan E.
I relished your inventory of all the little pieces that make up life and your wordplay with "a piece of my mind" and "piecemeal". Concluding with the annoying "missing pieces" was choice! Well done- Joan
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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I relished your inventory of all the little pieces that make up life and your wordplay with "a piece of my mind" and "piecemeal". Concluding with the annoying "missing pieces" was choice! Well done- Joan
Comment Written 01-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Thank you for the great review and all your wonderful comments supporting this poem. glad you enjoyed a look at all those little pieces that go to making up a life estory
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello estory
Sorry I'm so late
I had fun reading you poem of the missing pieces that get lost and cannot be found are darn good reminders of as you said are the most important pieces that made our life (alive)
Gert
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Hello estory
Sorry I'm so late
I had fun reading you poem of the missing pieces that get lost and cannot be found are darn good reminders of as you said are the most important pieces that made our life (alive)
Gert
Comment Written 30-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2017
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Thanks for the excellent review and all your comments supporting the poem. I am glad you enjoyed it and took another look at all those little pieces that make up life. estory
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You are welcome estory
Gert
Comment from frierajac
It is nearly an etymology of the Oxford English Dic., that seems to enter into this poem, as a process of meditation and reflection. It reminds me of a philosophical question that I recall from Bertrand Russell, that going forward in time, we must proceed with caution because of 'the behavior of objects'. Sorry, just a thought.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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It is nearly an etymology of the Oxford English Dic., that seems to enter into this poem, as a process of meditation and reflection. It reminds me of a philosophical question that I recall from Bertrand Russell, that going forward in time, we must proceed with caution because of 'the behavior of objects'. Sorry, just a thought.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank you for your five star review and interesting comments. I thought this idea of being influenced by the behavior of objects was very much supportive of my theme.. Out lives are kind of amalgamations of these pieces of moments, these glimpses of spirit, that lie scattered around us like pieces of a broken stained glass window. This was the exact effect I was aiming for in the construction of the poem estory
Comment from frogbook
Loved it, clever and original tongue twisting poem full of fun and alliteration and a good bit of truth. It made for a nice PIECE of my day!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Loved it, clever and original tongue twisting poem full of fun and alliteration and a good bit of truth. It made for a nice PIECE of my day!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thanks again for this terrific six star review and for supporting this piece. I am glad you enjoyed it so much. estory
Comment from bertranclan
I found this to be a truly interesting poem. It got me to thinking about my own pieces. For instance, where are those missing pieces to my NordicTrack? And the pieces to my treadmill? Vital pieces. They won't work without them. That's what moving does--one loses more than a handful of pieces...
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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I found this to be a truly interesting poem. It got me to thinking about my own pieces. For instance, where are those missing pieces to my NordicTrack? And the pieces to my treadmill? Vital pieces. They won't work without them. That's what moving does--one loses more than a handful of pieces...
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thank for the five star review and for your interesting comments supporting the poem. I recently moved myself, so I can empathize. We don't really realize how much these little seemingly insignificant pieces of life add up to. This was the effect I was aiming for in the construction of this piece, creating an abstract expressionist experiences out of scattered fragmented images estory
Comment from dragonpoet
This tells us of all the pieces in our life that put us and our world together. It also shows that pieces can meld to help us stay together.
In the third stanza, I don't think you need the line third line. It means exactly the same thing as the second.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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This tells us of all the pieces in our life that put us and our world together. It also shows that pieces can meld to help us stay together.
In the third stanza, I don't think you need the line third line. It means exactly the same thing as the second.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 29-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the excellent review and for your interesting comments supporting this poem. In this type of poetry, the repetitions make up the music of the language, rather than meter or rhyme scheme, so that's why I use repetitions. I am aiming for an abstract expressionist experience made up out of fragmented images in the construction. estory
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You're welcome.
dp
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Good evening estory: Once again you have accomplished a very unique and interesting poem. It grabbed me and pulled me in and got more interesting as I read along. I can appreciate how you laid it all out and I like it. Some of the lines fed my imagination and took me to deep understanding. Below are some for my favorite strong lines that I really appreciated.
And the little pieces within the big pieces
That go unnoticed,
The blank pieces of paper
We write our poetry pieces
And pieces of music on
A piece of my mind
Made up out of the pieces
That I find scattered around, piecemeal
The game pieces we move around on our game boards with,
Rolling the dice, counting our steps, going back three spaces
The bits and pieces of conversations,
Dramatic pieces espoused out loud
And all those missing pieces
We always seem to be looking for
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Good evening estory: Once again you have accomplished a very unique and interesting poem. It grabbed me and pulled me in and got more interesting as I read along. I can appreciate how you laid it all out and I like it. Some of the lines fed my imagination and took me to deep understanding. Below are some for my favorite strong lines that I really appreciated.
And the little pieces within the big pieces
That go unnoticed,
The blank pieces of paper
We write our poetry pieces
And pieces of music on
A piece of my mind
Made up out of the pieces
That I find scattered around, piecemeal
The game pieces we move around on our game boards with,
Rolling the dice, counting our steps, going back three spaces
The bits and pieces of conversations,
Dramatic pieces espoused out loud
And all those missing pieces
We always seem to be looking for
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thanks for your excellent review and for your interesting insights into your appreciation for the piece. I am glad you enjoyed it and found all those little pieces of life that add up to the whole. estory
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Good morning my friend. It seems that some of my friends are not getting the alerts when I re-post old poems. So I just wanted you to know that I revived, "Electric Sensations" "Please Be There" and "Extreme Loss" You may have to go to the portfolio if you decide to read any of these. Thank you in advance.
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I will try to check them out
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Thanks
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Thanks
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi estory. I definitely think you have a finger on the vibe of life in its complexities both dramatic and ditsy! I liked the cadence as it almost felt like each line had it's on rhythm based on what word (note) was being played. Liked it. A little different for me but good. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Hi estory. I definitely think you have a finger on the vibe of life in its complexities both dramatic and ditsy! I liked the cadence as it almost felt like each line had it's on rhythm based on what word (note) was being played. Liked it. A little different for me but good. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thanks for your excellent five star review and for your interesting comments supporting the poem. This type of poetry relies on repetitions of words and phrases rather than meter and rhyme to create the music. The overall effect I am after is to create an abstract expressionist experience out of fragmented images. We don't realize how much those little pieces add up to, in our lives. estory
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks about pieces that make up a life, philosophical appreciation, exemplified with the things we think of in terms of pieces; I liked, a 6-STAR for philosophic viewpoint.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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This speaks about pieces that make up a life, philosophical appreciation, exemplified with the things we think of in terms of pieces; I liked, a 6-STAR for philosophic viewpoint.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2017
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Thanks again for this amazing six star review and for all your comments supporting this poem. I appreciate it estory
