The Amazing Heist
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Pieces Fall in Place"A team of six plan their final heist.
16 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Great metaphor: "Paul had to still think as hard as he could; but nothing sparked." Was it tomato red? "It had a souped up V8 engine? Great play on words. I hope things don't unravel for them.
reply by the author on 08-May-2022
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Great metaphor: "Paul had to still think as hard as he could; but nothing sparked." Was it tomato red? "It had a souped up V8 engine? Great play on words. I hope things don't unravel for them.
Comment Written 07-May-2022
reply by the author on 08-May-2022
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Thank you so much for reviewing and your amazing comments.
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***smile***
Comment from lyenochka
Sounds like they are ready to do this. The van made me think of the old TV show Mission Impossible. I guess the team works well and are good at their jobs!
Freddie's had a rather productive search for his assignment. (Freddie) I'm not sure why this was possessive. I wondered if Freddie's was the name of a store?
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Sounds like they are ready to do this. The van made me think of the old TV show Mission Impossible. I guess the team works well and are good at their jobs!
Freddie's had a rather productive search for his assignment. (Freddie) I'm not sure why this was possessive. I wondered if Freddie's was the name of a store?
Comment Written 29-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2022
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Thank you so much Helene for reviewing and your great comments.
Comment from Mabaker
Another great chapter Alie. You are a great source of inspiration to me I love your stories. It's 3.a.m. Sat and I'm up and at it please write another chapter fast so I can keep breathing. LOL Love U Anne.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Another great chapter Alie. You are a great source of inspiration to me I love your stories. It's 3.a.m. Sat and I'm up and at it please write another chapter fast so I can keep breathing. LOL Love U Anne.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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I sent you a message. :) Thank you so much for reviewing.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good solid continuation of the story here.
The main thing to look at here I think is the use of 'was', you use it quite a bit and many of these could be omitted and written around.
maybe the businesses are lead to believe - are led to.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Hi there,
A good solid continuation of the story here.
The main thing to look at here I think is the use of 'was', you use it quite a bit and many of these could be omitted and written around.
maybe the businesses are lead to believe - are led to.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Thank you for reading and taking the time to review. I really appreciate your advise and will make the one correction as well as check out the word 'was' and get rid of it where I can or think of an alternative. Thanks so much.
Comment from MelB
Hi Aryr, so nice to see another chapter of the story. It's been a while! This is a well written chapter. I found no spag. I like the rumble phrase.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Hi Aryr, so nice to see another chapter of the story. It's been a while! This is a well written chapter. I found no spag. I like the rumble phrase.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Awww thanks so much Mel for reading and then taking the time to review. Thank you for your kind comments. MMM I liked the rumble phrase too and decided to use it.
Comment from Bill Schott
This chapter of The Amazing Heist, builds a little more character data with both Henry's reaction to Billy's disrespect and Billy's reaction to that. Interesting if that comes back up as a factor.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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This chapter of The Amazing Heist, builds a little more character data with both Henry's reaction to Billy's disrespect and Billy's reaction to that. Interesting if that comes back up as a factor.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2017
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Thank you for reading and then taking the time to review, I really appreciate your kind comments. Now that is an interesting thought.
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi aryr. I read the first few chapters of your story early on and read this one today. It seems the group is planning "a heist." Your writing is logical and clear for the reader. I noticed there may be some minor things to consider changing:
Repetition starting with paragraph 5: "Sorry Henry. Can we get access to this information?" Next paragraph: "Not a problem. I will send an email with the necessary link and the password. (stop here--eliminate "to gain access.") because in paragraph 7 "access" is repeated again for a total of three. Eliminating one "access" and keeping two of them, I think, works better.
Repetition in next to last paragraph: "Since not all the team would be present at the scene, it was more than adequate for those involved. It had a souped up V8 engine which provided more than adequate giddy up and go. (Suggest eliminating one "more than adequate" in these sentences.)
Typo in last paragraph: "This had been his assignment so many times that is (it) was easy to determine...."
It's hard to see our own errors and that's why it's nice to have a second set of eyes. Repetition of the same wording is something I watch for in my own writing. I use the word finder in my program to see if I have overly used the same word or phrase. If so, I go back and rearrange it. Otherwise your story is progressing nicely with a well thought out plot. Marilyn
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Hi aryr. I read the first few chapters of your story early on and read this one today. It seems the group is planning "a heist." Your writing is logical and clear for the reader. I noticed there may be some minor things to consider changing:
Repetition starting with paragraph 5: "Sorry Henry. Can we get access to this information?" Next paragraph: "Not a problem. I will send an email with the necessary link and the password. (stop here--eliminate "to gain access.") because in paragraph 7 "access" is repeated again for a total of three. Eliminating one "access" and keeping two of them, I think, works better.
Repetition in next to last paragraph: "Since not all the team would be present at the scene, it was more than adequate for those involved. It had a souped up V8 engine which provided more than adequate giddy up and go. (Suggest eliminating one "more than adequate" in these sentences.)
Typo in last paragraph: "This had been his assignment so many times that is (it) was easy to determine...."
It's hard to see our own errors and that's why it's nice to have a second set of eyes. Repetition of the same wording is something I watch for in my own writing. I use the word finder in my program to see if I have overly used the same word or phrase. If so, I go back and rearrange it. Otherwise your story is progressing nicely with a well thought out plot. Marilyn
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Wow, thank you so much for reading and reviewing Marilyn, I will definitely work on those changes and suggestions. I am so glad to have your help. Again thanks.
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Thank you for being gracious about my suggestions. I hope they helped. Hugs, Marilyn
Comment from Pantygynt
I have been waiting for this story to resurface for a long time and now my patience is rewarded. Are they going rto get away with this or will it be like the old English Jack Hawkins movie "The League of Gentlemen" where the best of plans slips up on a silly mistake. We shall see.
Ahatever I am glad to see this dragged off the back burner.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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I have been waiting for this story to resurface for a long time and now my patience is rewarded. Are they going rto get away with this or will it be like the old English Jack Hawkins movie "The League of Gentlemen" where the best of plans slips up on a silly mistake. We shall see.
Ahatever I am glad to see this dragged off the back burner.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Awww thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am so glad that you were patiently waiting, it just took a little time to get life reorganized. Thank you for your kind comments, I am hoping it will get pulled off with success.
Comment from Heather Knight
Hi Aryr,
It's very nice to read you. Your story is very interesting, I don't know why I hadn't seen it before.
I think I've seen a couple of typos:
In"So, Henry, old man what do you have for us? , there should be a comma after old man.
In "Sorry Henry. There should be a comma after sorry.
I hope to read more of your work in the future.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Hi Aryr,
It's very nice to read you. Your story is very interesting, I don't know why I hadn't seen it before.
I think I've seen a couple of typos:
In"So, Henry, old man what do you have for us? , there should be a comma after old man.
In "Sorry Henry. There should be a comma after sorry.
I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, I will get those corrections done in a few minutes. I appreciate your comments.
Comment from apky
This was the first chapter of this work that I'm reading.
The writing is good and complements the story line. I even developed some sympathy for Paul, a "bad" man who nevertheless weighs the consequences:
With a few more details he felt confident that his normally active brain would kick in. Where would they get a power source? How much juice would they need? What would happen to the guys in the truck? Would anyone die? Would they really succeed? Would they retire? All of these questions, but where were the answers?
Well done.
Apky
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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This was the first chapter of this work that I'm reading.
The writing is good and complements the story line. I even developed some sympathy for Paul, a "bad" man who nevertheless weighs the consequences:
With a few more details he felt confident that his normally active brain would kick in. Where would they get a power source? How much juice would they need? What would happen to the guys in the truck? Would anyone die? Would they really succeed? Would they retire? All of these questions, but where were the answers?
Well done.
Apky
Comment Written 21-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2017
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, I truly appreciate your comment. To answer your question-the answers will be in future chapters- I was hoping to peak interest.
