I Choose Rainbows
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "A Journey So Sad"Thoughts from the dark side
1 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
I have caught up on your portfolio (interesting that you eem to have
skipped Verse 3 of Strand in Time ;-)
I definitely like this one best :-)
(it is - for my taste - best suited for your seemingly preferred
'clipped' sentence structure and formatting)
While I am a big fan of free verse (though I do dabble in form
poetry rather regularly) I feel that sometimes, in the service to
brevity, that there is sometimes something of the lyrical
component of poetry that gets lost - it is not just the words
or content that matter...it is the dance of sounds too. It is the
dance that we poets choreograph that seduces the heart and
soul...
With the exception of this poem (which works beautifully) I would
love to see you approach the others with an eye toward expanding
the lines...as an exercise.
For Instance - "Life After You", S1 (an option)
The speed of light is a variable
that alters perception
... that changes time from universe
... to multiverse in a constant shift
of lifelike forces,
...... in different forms.
That alters matter with Godly precision
creating a constant thought of life
............. I Am
You're trapped again
In a different mind, in a strand in time
with a different
................. memory
Which is not to say a staccato rhythm doesn't have its place,
(as I said, it works beautifully in "A Journey So Sad"), but -for my
money - it should be reserved for highly emotional pieces
where a sense of breathlessness or anger or frustration, etc
are a key factor.
I hope you understand these are just thoughts to consider
which I offer in a clumsy attempt to maybe mentor :-)
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
  |
I have caught up on your portfolio (interesting that you eem to have
skipped Verse 3 of Strand in Time ;-)
I definitely like this one best :-)
(it is - for my taste - best suited for your seemingly preferred
'clipped' sentence structure and formatting)
While I am a big fan of free verse (though I do dabble in form
poetry rather regularly) I feel that sometimes, in the service to
brevity, that there is sometimes something of the lyrical
component of poetry that gets lost - it is not just the words
or content that matter...it is the dance of sounds too. It is the
dance that we poets choreograph that seduces the heart and
soul...
With the exception of this poem (which works beautifully) I would
love to see you approach the others with an eye toward expanding
the lines...as an exercise.
For Instance - "Life After You", S1 (an option)
The speed of light is a variable
that alters perception
... that changes time from universe
... to multiverse in a constant shift
of lifelike forces,
...... in different forms.
That alters matter with Godly precision
creating a constant thought of life
............. I Am
You're trapped again
In a different mind, in a strand in time
with a different
................. memory
Which is not to say a staccato rhythm doesn't have its place,
(as I said, it works beautifully in "A Journey So Sad"), but -for my
money - it should be reserved for highly emotional pieces
where a sense of breathlessness or anger or frustration, etc
are a key factor.
I hope you understand these are just thoughts to consider
which I offer in a clumsy attempt to maybe mentor :-)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2018
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You are a true poet. I just scribble/
-
Hi, I just started writing again. I haven?t looked at my poems and just randomly chose this one. I thank you for the comments. Your ideas of sentence change might be interesting. I have thin lines. I?m going to release a poem The Earth Of Life, it is the story of human birth. I would appreciate your comments.
Thanks,
Norm