Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Desert Fare"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
31 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Howdy padna.
I've been looking forward to this one. Let's see what yummy treats they can muster up!
"On one side, she could feel her sister resting against her, gentle snores wafting in shared air." (Nicely put.)
"It could be a few nucleic acids in a vast chain of thousands in their chromosomes." (Crikey! I had an uncle, many years ago, who had one of those lol.)
"We have some travel cakes and a bit of greens I collected while we walked last night."(Perhaps..."a few greens" might read better.)
"He reached in the bowl with a stick and pulled out a blackened cricket." (Yum! They taste like peanuts.)
"Ayala, don't you dare," Koko warned. "It's. . . it's. . . unclean." (lol. The fire kills the germs.)
Great job, cowgirl. At least three of them got to eat the good stuff. I used to catch and eat live grasshoppers for kids party jokes, once I got back to the city. They're a little furry and get stuck in your throat, when they're raw, but cooked they are great. Also, they are full of protein.
Interesting and melancholy chapter for me. I'd love to give this a six, but sadly, they have all gone walkabout.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 14-May-2017
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Howdy padna.
I've been looking forward to this one. Let's see what yummy treats they can muster up!
"On one side, she could feel her sister resting against her, gentle snores wafting in shared air." (Nicely put.)
"It could be a few nucleic acids in a vast chain of thousands in their chromosomes." (Crikey! I had an uncle, many years ago, who had one of those lol.)
"We have some travel cakes and a bit of greens I collected while we walked last night."(Perhaps..."a few greens" might read better.)
"He reached in the bowl with a stick and pulled out a blackened cricket." (Yum! They taste like peanuts.)
"Ayala, don't you dare," Koko warned. "It's. . . it's. . . unclean." (lol. The fire kills the germs.)
Great job, cowgirl. At least three of them got to eat the good stuff. I used to catch and eat live grasshoppers for kids party jokes, once I got back to the city. They're a little furry and get stuck in your throat, when they're raw, but cooked they are great. Also, they are full of protein.
Interesting and melancholy chapter for me. I'd love to give this a six, but sadly, they have all gone walkabout.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 05-May-2017
reply by the author on 14-May-2017
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Thanks for the review, my friend. I know how quickly sixes disappear, and you have gifted me with many over this book. I appreciate your remarks. I'll add in more about the insects if you give me more details. I thought about you while writing this part. The strange thing is, this is a rewrite from a book I already published, and want to republish, so most of this part was written well before I knew you. Still, I can make changes.
Thanks so much,
Cowgirl!!
Comment from Lu Saluna
A great chapter. I see they are all really, truly living off the land. I can't imagine eating an insect but hunger is a powerful motivator.
I enjoy the dialogue and banter between the characters, there is light humour and wit to keep the story very enjoyable but not deter from the main theme.
Sani is still my favourite.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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A great chapter. I see they are all really, truly living off the land. I can't imagine eating an insect but hunger is a powerful motivator.
I enjoy the dialogue and banter between the characters, there is light humour and wit to keep the story very enjoyable but not deter from the main theme.
Sani is still my favourite.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Lu. Yes, Sani is a character. He's got a mission and isn't going to stop until he gets the kids to the mines. I can't promise anything after that....
I'm glad the dialogue works. My worst struggle is putting too much. I took one reviewers advice. I wrote my dialogue first, then went back and put in descriptors.
As far as eating insects, I like your comment about hunger being a powerful motivator. It works for me! Maybe I should go back and put in more about just how hungry they were. Great inspiration.
Thanks for reviewing another of my posts!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Trying to play catch up, Rhonda.
A great chapter -- Sani is quite a character and seems quite wise.
I wonder how much further they have to walk... They must be getting weak.
Margaret
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Trying to play catch up, Rhonda.
A great chapter -- Sani is quite a character and seems quite wise.
I wonder how much further they have to walk... They must be getting weak.
Margaret
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful six star review. The journey is about over. They will reach shelter before the next day. Then it's underground, and that starts a whole new set of problems.
Thanks again, and glad you're back!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from dweigt
Great work. I haven't been on the site much lately, so I've lost track of your wonderful story, so I looked up this entry. I like science fiction that explores moral and philosophical questions, and this is a prime example.
One minor issue with this bit of dialogue: It's time we headed for the mountains. It'll be dark soon, and we need to be well down the road before it does. "Before it does" doesn't sound right here. It is dialogue, so it shouldn't be perfect, but this caught my eye as I was reading. If it is intentional, fine.
Looking forward to more.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2017
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Great work. I haven't been on the site much lately, so I've lost track of your wonderful story, so I looked up this entry. I like science fiction that explores moral and philosophical questions, and this is a prime example.
One minor issue with this bit of dialogue: It's time we headed for the mountains. It'll be dark soon, and we need to be well down the road before it does. "Before it does" doesn't sound right here. It is dialogue, so it shouldn't be perfect, but this caught my eye as I was reading. If it is intentional, fine.
Looking forward to more.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2017
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Thank you for your wonderful review, my friend. Your words are encouraging and supportive.
I usually write fantasy, but when I write science fiction, I always have a platform of some sort. I flirt with fantasy in this one, but it is just Sani's illusion. Thank you for coming back to read more.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Douglas Paul
"I don't know. I guess it's because we're (in) too rushed to grow and prepare things properly." = I think (in) needs to come out. Good continuing character development. Good to see you are not in too much af a rush to get to the next action sequence
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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"I don't know. I guess it's because we're (in) too rushed to grow and prepare things properly." = I think (in) needs to come out. Good continuing character development. Good to see you are not in too much af a rush to get to the next action sequence
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the great review, Douglas! Thanks, as well, for the Spag alert. That was a revised line that didn't get cleaned up. Lol.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Sani is a wonderful character and I hope he continues with the group until they reach their destination. I know he's old and frail. I just hope he makes it. I really enjoy reading this story.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Sani is a wonderful character and I hope he continues with the group until they reach their destination. I know he's old and frail. I just hope he makes it. I really enjoy reading this story.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Sani will be around for a while, anyway. He's definitely a character! Thanks for the review and comments.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good chapter. They must be getting weak for lack of sufficient food. I wonder how much longer they must walk... and who will be there to help them. Sani seems sure of it.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Good chapter. They must be getting weak for lack of sufficient food. I wonder how much longer they must walk... and who will be there to help them. Sani seems sure of it.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2017
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Wow, I six left. You are a champ!!
I appreciate the extreme compliment and support.
Thank you so much!!
Rhonda
Comment from w.j.debi
We get to know all the characters a bit more. Sani, of course, remains the mysterious wise man who knows more than he lets on. The meal was interesting and so was everyone's reactions. Again, showing us a part of their character by their actions and reactions to the situation.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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We get to know all the characters a bit more. Sani, of course, remains the mysterious wise man who knows more than he lets on. The meal was interesting and so was everyone's reactions. Again, showing us a part of their character by their actions and reactions to the situation.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Thank you so much. You nailed the idea of this chapter exactly. I appreciate the insight and review.
Enjoy your weekend,
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
You see, one can learn something every day
I knew the desert had scorpions, horned toads and other lovely creatures,
but I didn't know there were crickets
No, I've never eaten a cricket, as the British would say,
It just doesn't seem very cricket to me.
Of course, faced with starvation, I might reconsider.
This is a fine chapter. We get to learn a little more, in a relaxed manner,
about the character of the individuals. The humor adds to the chapter.
I think I would also trust Sani. We will soon learn about the little people,
Tommyknockers or whatever Sani knows that we do not, which is a lot.
Tolkien had dwarfs in the mine, let's see what Rhonda has.
Well done, my friend!
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Hello Rhonda,
You see, one can learn something every day
I knew the desert had scorpions, horned toads and other lovely creatures,
but I didn't know there were crickets
No, I've never eaten a cricket, as the British would say,
It just doesn't seem very cricket to me.
Of course, faced with starvation, I might reconsider.
This is a fine chapter. We get to learn a little more, in a relaxed manner,
about the character of the individuals. The humor adds to the chapter.
I think I would also trust Sani. We will soon learn about the little people,
Tommyknockers or whatever Sani knows that we do not, which is a lot.
Tolkien had dwarfs in the mine, let's see what Rhonda has.
Well done, my friend!
Comment Written 07-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Thank you for the late week six. What an amazing surprise!! Much appreciated.
You are so right about Tolkien and the dwarfs. You're pretty close... Sani style. They might not be as magical as Sani suggests, but he likes to keep people off-guard.
The team is moving further north and the variety of insects are increasing. ie, I've got no idea on the crickets, either, but I was trying to soften the blow on the scorpions. Fez has been reviewing the book lately, and he'll know for sure on the type of insects. Stay tuned on that one.
As I've told some of the other reviewers, I did intend the lull between action to develop the characters a bit more. I'm glad it worked out. And now, on to some action, right?? haha.
Funny thing about Tommyknockers is that it is a real superstition with miners. Sani will use that to his advantage.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Rhonda,
Somehow I missed two chapters and had to go back and read them! This was a great chapter. I like that the pace slowed down a bit. It was very effective. It relieved some of the tension, and allowed readers, and characters, to relax a bit and rejuvenate, and get ready for the next surge. The slower pace allowed for more personal things to happen, giving more depth to the characters and rounding them out a little more. I like the subtle flirting between Archie and Ayala, which gives thoughts, and perhaps hope, of a budding romance. However, that in itself presents problems of its own, with the animal DNA. This gets deeper and more intricate with each chapter. I have a feeling 'complicated' is going to play a large factor in this before all is said and done.
Noticed a couple things:
"To heck with it," she thought. (You wrote this as dialogue, as though Ayala said the words aloud. But your tag line says 'she thought.' Inner/Thought dialogue is indicated by using italics. Then there is no need to tell the reader 'she thought.')
"You don't eat gross stuff[,] like bugs[,] do you?" (need commas where indicated)
I guess it's because we're {in} too rushed to grow and prepare things properly. (extra word)
It'll be dark soon, and we need to be well down the road before it does. (Something sounds a bit off in this sentence. Maybe 'does' should be 'is?')
He was wise, loved nature, and never seemed disturbed by anything {happening} around him. (You switched to present tense. Just a simple reword - never seemed disturbed by anything that happened . . . )
Great writing. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Rhonda,
Somehow I missed two chapters and had to go back and read them! This was a great chapter. I like that the pace slowed down a bit. It was very effective. It relieved some of the tension, and allowed readers, and characters, to relax a bit and rejuvenate, and get ready for the next surge. The slower pace allowed for more personal things to happen, giving more depth to the characters and rounding them out a little more. I like the subtle flirting between Archie and Ayala, which gives thoughts, and perhaps hope, of a budding romance. However, that in itself presents problems of its own, with the animal DNA. This gets deeper and more intricate with each chapter. I have a feeling 'complicated' is going to play a large factor in this before all is said and done.
Noticed a couple things:
"To heck with it," she thought. (You wrote this as dialogue, as though Ayala said the words aloud. But your tag line says 'she thought.' Inner/Thought dialogue is indicated by using italics. Then there is no need to tell the reader 'she thought.')
"You don't eat gross stuff[,] like bugs[,] do you?" (need commas where indicated)
I guess it's because we're {in} too rushed to grow and prepare things properly. (extra word)
It'll be dark soon, and we need to be well down the road before it does. (Something sounds a bit off in this sentence. Maybe 'does' should be 'is?')
He was wise, loved nature, and never seemed disturbed by anything {happening} around him. (You switched to present tense. Just a simple reword - never seemed disturbed by anything that happened . . . )
Great writing. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Suzanne
Comment Written 07-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2017
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Hi, Suzanne. I'm so glad you're back!! Thank you for your review!
I'm glad you noticed the character development, because that's exactly why I had the lull. It's hard to define personalities on the run.
Complicated relationships will take on a whole new meaning, I assure you. But, young people are young people and seldom, work out all the bugs (literally) before taking the emotional plunge.
I'll fix the mistakes, so thanks so much for finding them. I always look forward to your assistance and reviews.
Take care,
Rhonda