Once upon the heart..
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Missing you"Love poems
30 total reviews
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written poem that seems like a broken heart. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery with the art work! love, Teri
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
  |
This is a very well written poem that seems like a broken heart. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery with the art work! love, Teri
Comment Written 16-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
-
Hi Terri! thank you for the review! I so appreciate you always taking the time to do so!! hugs!!
Comment from Richard J
It's said confession frees the heart and soul to soar, and if this is true, I certainly see and feel yours winging up off the page, throughout my senses from every word, line, and verse of this divinely scored composition.
Few poets onsite (if any others) write with such wondrous beauty and poetic excellence, but this work flows, dances, and rhymes in virtual syntactic and grammatical perfection of enthralling emotion and meter; the picture, whew ... shaky knees! ; )
Just call me privileged and smitten, Susan ... warmly thankful, too! ~ Richard : )
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
 |
It's said confession frees the heart and soul to soar, and if this is true, I certainly see and feel yours winging up off the page, throughout my senses from every word, line, and verse of this divinely scored composition.
Few poets onsite (if any others) write with such wondrous beauty and poetic excellence, but this work flows, dances, and rhymes in virtual syntactic and grammatical perfection of enthralling emotion and meter; the picture, whew ... shaky knees! ; )
Just call me privileged and smitten, Susan ... warmly thankful, too! ~ Richard : )
Comment Written 15-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
-
Richard! This review!! OMGOODNESS...awe you, this is just so sweet. Sunday morning and smiling.
Comment from mvbrooks
The poem is positive and the rhyme is strong. The first half gives one a sense of floating among clouds. The second part brings in the reality of separation, while allowing hope for the pair to be reunited and experience the first part of the poem again. Upbeat.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
|
The poem is positive and the rhyme is strong. The first half gives one a sense of floating among clouds. The second part brings in the reality of separation, while allowing hope for the pair to be reunited and experience the first part of the poem again. Upbeat.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2017
-
awe sweet review!!!! Thank you so much!!!! I appreciate it very much! have a wonderful day!!! :-))
Comment from bertranclan
I really enjoyed your love poem, as that is my specialty too. The rhyming is pleasant and the poem flows well. One grammatical thing I did notice is "Fiery blue eyes sets fire my thighs..." I think it should be "set," right? Anyway, bravo for a wonderful love poem.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
|
I really enjoyed your love poem, as that is my specialty too. The rhyming is pleasant and the poem flows well. One grammatical thing I did notice is "Fiery blue eyes sets fire my thighs..." I think it should be "set," right? Anyway, bravo for a wonderful love poem.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
-
Good catch!...I'll fix it. Thank you for reading and for the review!!
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Susan
Why would he want to leave a beautiful girl like you? But perhaps his work makes it necessary for travel... businessman, trucker, firefighter, airline pilot, fisherman, football player!
Anyway, nice love poem. But I think you need a hobby so you don't miss him as much. I like the rhyme scheme and meter. Makes for a smooth read.
I've got a couple of suggestions for you.
First of all, just wondering where you heard "sunclipsed". I searched the dictionary, and the closest meaning is "sunset".
"sets fire my thighs"... ( this seems forced to me, since the obvious "to" is missing. I suggest,
inflames my thighs)
"knowing now, right from wrong" ... (this also seems forced to me. For better flow, why not write,
now knowing right from wrong)
But this line made me think that it wasn't work which took him away. Was there a fight? an argument? Did she do or say something that upset him?
"heart thrums offbeat" ... ( the meaning of "thrum" is "strum rhythmically but without expression on a musical instrument; drum incessantly". "offbeat" doesn't fit with the meaning. Would "pounds/throbs" work? Or use "heart" in the possessive.
Heart's pulse offbeat)
"loves myst'ries, justified" ... ( I suggest the possessive here, and lose the comma.
love's myst'ries justified)
Hope this helps a bit.
My favorite verse would be,
"Gold, sunclipsed skies,
stars mesmerize ...
vanishing out of sight.
Where miles befell,
splendors dispel,
your absence dims the light."
cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
|
Hi Susan
Why would he want to leave a beautiful girl like you? But perhaps his work makes it necessary for travel... businessman, trucker, firefighter, airline pilot, fisherman, football player!
Anyway, nice love poem. But I think you need a hobby so you don't miss him as much. I like the rhyme scheme and meter. Makes for a smooth read.
I've got a couple of suggestions for you.
First of all, just wondering where you heard "sunclipsed". I searched the dictionary, and the closest meaning is "sunset".
"sets fire my thighs"... ( this seems forced to me, since the obvious "to" is missing. I suggest,
inflames my thighs)
"knowing now, right from wrong" ... (this also seems forced to me. For better flow, why not write,
now knowing right from wrong)
But this line made me think that it wasn't work which took him away. Was there a fight? an argument? Did she do or say something that upset him?
"heart thrums offbeat" ... ( the meaning of "thrum" is "strum rhythmically but without expression on a musical instrument; drum incessantly". "offbeat" doesn't fit with the meaning. Would "pounds/throbs" work? Or use "heart" in the possessive.
Heart's pulse offbeat)
"loves myst'ries, justified" ... ( I suggest the possessive here, and lose the comma.
love's myst'ries justified)
Hope this helps a bit.
My favorite verse would be,
"Gold, sunclipsed skies,
stars mesmerize ...
vanishing out of sight.
Where miles befell,
splendors dispel,
your absence dims the light."
cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 15-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2017
-
I came across the word in, A Fuller Explanation: The Synergetic Geometry of R. Buckminster Fuller...been wanting to use the word. yes, "to"..I get..but it would mess my syllable count up and as far as Thrum?? LOL I just like it...I will correct punctuation. WOW thank you for taking the time to read and offer such a detailed review! I do appreciate it very much. I'm a new writer, so still learning. Thanks again! :-)))
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Susan, this is such an outstanding love poem that you have composed. So many deep feelings of a very deep love for someone who means so much to you in life as well as your emotional side. It is very easy to see the depth of these tellings.
Your rhyme scheme is infallible. No forcing of rhymes which has created an easy, smooth flowing poem. I really like the rhyme scheme and I'm hopefully right; your aa b cc b rhyme throughout your poem. This ingenious of you my friend.
Absolutely one of the best poems that you have written in your young career. Keep up the excellent composing as you have done.
Always your friend,
Jim
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
|
Susan, this is such an outstanding love poem that you have composed. So many deep feelings of a very deep love for someone who means so much to you in life as well as your emotional side. It is very easy to see the depth of these tellings.
Your rhyme scheme is infallible. No forcing of rhymes which has created an easy, smooth flowing poem. I really like the rhyme scheme and I'm hopefully right; your aa b cc b rhyme throughout your poem. This ingenious of you my friend.
Absolutely one of the best poems that you have written in your young career. Keep up the excellent composing as you have done.
Always your friend,
Jim
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
-
Thanks jim!
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
What a beautiful love poem, a wonderful flow throughout with some gorgeous lines.
I particularly enjoyed the second stanza which was sublime.
Have a lovely evening
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
|
What a beautiful love poem, a wonderful flow throughout with some gorgeous lines.
I particularly enjoyed the second stanza which was sublime.
Have a lovely evening
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
-
Awe thank you so much for this wonderful review!!! i'm smiling! :-))))
Comment from Pantygynt
You set up your little pattern here and you stick to it like glue. A great rhythm with a good rhyme scheme aabccb with the b lines in iambic trimeter and the others iambic dimeter. No room for waffle in a pattern as tight as this. In short powerful phrases this romantic piece leaves little to the imaginatrion.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
|
You set up your little pattern here and you stick to it like glue. A great rhythm with a good rhyme scheme aabccb with the b lines in iambic trimeter and the others iambic dimeter. No room for waffle in a pattern as tight as this. In short powerful phrases this romantic piece leaves little to the imaginatrion.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
-
:-) Hi Jim! Thanks for the wonderful review!!! I so appreciate you taking the time!!
Comment from Mustang Patty
A very lovely poem dedicated to love and all its beauty. Missing the object of one's affection can be hard, especially when the love is true and meaningful. The rhythm of the poem flows well, and the mood is set for hope. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
|
A very lovely poem dedicated to love and all its beauty. Missing the object of one's affection can be hard, especially when the love is true and meaningful. The rhythm of the poem flows well, and the mood is set for hope. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
-
Hi patty! Thank you for this wonderful review!!!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written free verse love poem, when we are in love we just want our loved one close by and we do not care what anyone else is thinking.
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
|
A very well-written free verse love poem, when we are in love we just want our loved one close by and we do not care what anyone else is thinking.
Comment Written 14-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2017
-
So true Sandra!!! Thank you for the review!
