Fraternity Courtesy
The fate of an unsuspecting freshman college girl.5 total reviews
Comment from judsmith
Your story fits the category and your writing style is engaging and draws the reader in. While it is a harsh story of gang rape that might be difficult for some to handle, it is, unfortunately, probably more common than most people would want to admit. I would suggest that you have someone edit your work before posting. There were several errors. "...when the boys the returned with the matteress..." (an extra the), "...I kind of liked that Bud guy looks." (that Bud guy's), "...went behind the bar, fill (s.b. filled) them and came back...", "...the room titled (s.b. tilted), the people and the lights...", "...don't you'll resist..." (you might have meant y'all, but you works, but not the contraction for you will), and, finally, "...dangled my bra then dropped (it) to the cheering crowd." These are errors which stop the reader and interrupt flow. Otherwise, would have been five stars. Finally, it is difficult to believe that in a house full of men and women, hopefully most of whom are not all rapists and perverted drunks, that an open violation of Susie could be staged, but weirder things have happened on college campuses. Keep writing. Respectfully, Jud Smith P.S. If you have a chance to read and rate my post, "Teens at Play - 1961 Style" or my short story entry, "Equine Drag Race", I would appreciate hearing your review. Seems like we are about the same age but only three grandkids here. Thanks. J.S.
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
   |
Your story fits the category and your writing style is engaging and draws the reader in. While it is a harsh story of gang rape that might be difficult for some to handle, it is, unfortunately, probably more common than most people would want to admit. I would suggest that you have someone edit your work before posting. There were several errors. "...when the boys the returned with the matteress..." (an extra the), "...I kind of liked that Bud guy looks." (that Bud guy's), "...went behind the bar, fill (s.b. filled) them and came back...", "...the room titled (s.b. tilted), the people and the lights...", "...don't you'll resist..." (you might have meant y'all, but you works, but not the contraction for you will), and, finally, "...dangled my bra then dropped (it) to the cheering crowd." These are errors which stop the reader and interrupt flow. Otherwise, would have been five stars. Finally, it is difficult to believe that in a house full of men and women, hopefully most of whom are not all rapists and perverted drunks, that an open violation of Susie could be staged, but weirder things have happened on college campuses. Keep writing. Respectfully, Jud Smith P.S. If you have a chance to read and rate my post, "Teens at Play - 1961 Style" or my short story entry, "Equine Drag Race", I would appreciate hearing your review. Seems like we are about the same age but only three grandkids here. Thanks. J.S.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2017
-
Thanks for the careful read. I did go over this piece several times, but I guess I read what I wanted to read. I will edit thanks again for your help.
-
Harry T. Thanks for the nomination for reviewer. I try to be thorough and give good feedback. Some people don't want to hear if it isn't all positive but I appreciate the help on my work. Again, hope you have time to look at one or more of my pieces. Respectfully, Jud Smith
Comment from epona
Sadly, this could be a true story. I like your characters, you draw a clear difference in the girls which adds interest and an opportunity for conflict. I disliked one of the male characters right away when he called a man he does not know "Dad". Making the reader respond with emotion to your characters is great.
There are some errors in punctuation. For instance, your dialogue at one point reads "Thank you, I said. You need a closing quotation mark. Also, on some of the dialogue it is the same person speaking, but you started a new paragraph the second time they speak. When Jasmine is talking about getting her planning from her father, then she asks "What about you?" I had to stop a second to realize it was still Jasmine speaking.
Read through again for things like, ". . . She smiled and coyly" and ". . .took turns in the showered".
You have one of the guys saying "Don't you'll resist. ." If it is supposed to be the cowboy then he probably said y'all.
All this is easily fixed with a close proofreading and editing. It's only my opinion, but I would look at another title. Given that this situation is a well-known one and the title is "Fraternity Deception", I felt very little tension for the reader. From the time those schmoozing guys extend the invitation, you know what's coming. It's just a matter of which girl, or both. I would look for a way to keep the reader guessing for a while - that keeps them reading.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
|
Sadly, this could be a true story. I like your characters, you draw a clear difference in the girls which adds interest and an opportunity for conflict. I disliked one of the male characters right away when he called a man he does not know "Dad". Making the reader respond with emotion to your characters is great.
There are some errors in punctuation. For instance, your dialogue at one point reads "Thank you, I said. You need a closing quotation mark. Also, on some of the dialogue it is the same person speaking, but you started a new paragraph the second time they speak. When Jasmine is talking about getting her planning from her father, then she asks "What about you?" I had to stop a second to realize it was still Jasmine speaking.
Read through again for things like, ". . . She smiled and coyly" and ". . .took turns in the showered".
You have one of the guys saying "Don't you'll resist. ." If it is supposed to be the cowboy then he probably said y'all.
All this is easily fixed with a close proofreading and editing. It's only my opinion, but I would look at another title. Given that this situation is a well-known one and the title is "Fraternity Deception", I felt very little tension for the reader. From the time those schmoozing guys extend the invitation, you know what's coming. It's just a matter of which girl, or both. I would look for a way to keep the reader guessing for a while - that keeps them reading.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2017
-
Thanks for the tips. I have edited.
Comment from fimarie78
I enjoyed your piece. The interaction between the girl and her father at the beginning was particularly good. Poor girls, going to the party was only asking for trouble. Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
|
I enjoyed your piece. The interaction between the girl and her father at the beginning was particularly good. Poor girls, going to the party was only asking for trouble. Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
-
Thanks for the read and the encouraging comment.
Comment from Sparklezkristy
You have your dialogue mushed in with mounds of description. Dialogue should always be treated as their own paragraphs. Otherwise, this is a very good story â?¥
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
|
You have your dialogue mushed in with mounds of description. Dialogue should always be treated as their own paragraphs. Otherwise, this is a very good story â?¥
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
-
Thanks for the tip. I have edited the piece.
Comment from jusylee72
Your writing is very good. Erotic fiction it is not. It is a rape. A very well told rape I might add, but a rape. He could of course make a good story. But not because it was fun and erotic. I am torn on this one. but I do think you tell it well.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
|
Your writing is very good. Erotic fiction it is not. It is a rape. A very well told rape I might add, but a rape. He could of course make a good story. But not because it was fun and erotic. I am torn on this one. but I do think you tell it well.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
-
Definition of Erotic Fiction: A common feature of genre (Erotic Fiction) is sexual fantasies on such themes as prostitution, orgies, homosexuality, sadomasochism, and many other taboo subjects and fetishes, which may or may not be expressed in explicit language. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_literature.
I guess this is one left to the interpretation of both the author and the reader. Thank you for the read.
