Senryu (ice cream castles)
I dream ice cream!72 total reviews
Comment from Donya Quijote
This senryu is definitely more on the humorous side of genre than the ironic side. I like the sentiment express here. Since a senryu need only have seventeen syllables or less I think you can drop "and thrill old souls" and not lose anything in your poem. The phrase seems to have been added to simply meet the perceived need to have seven syllables. Removing that phrase may even make your poem stronger. Also the hyphen is not needed as the break between one side of the poem and the other is clear, apparent and natural. I would even suggest adding "a" to the beginning of the last line.
With the above suggestion, you poem would be as follows:
Ice cream castles
chill children's tongues
a midsummer night's dream
I only offer this as a suggestion. I hope I have been helpful. Good luck in the contest...
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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This senryu is definitely more on the humorous side of genre than the ironic side. I like the sentiment express here. Since a senryu need only have seventeen syllables or less I think you can drop "and thrill old souls" and not lose anything in your poem. The phrase seems to have been added to simply meet the perceived need to have seven syllables. Removing that phrase may even make your poem stronger. Also the hyphen is not needed as the break between one side of the poem and the other is clear, apparent and natural. I would even suggest adding "a" to the beginning of the last line.
With the above suggestion, you poem would be as follows:
Ice cream castles
chill children's tongues
a midsummer night's dream
I only offer this as a suggestion. I hope I have been helpful. Good luck in the contest...
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Oh, thank you, Donya, for your review and suggestions! They are good ones and show a lot of thought and craft in your thought. Many reviewers my age and older confessed that they LOVE ice cream. They dream about it, and they appreciate that I extended the appreciation of ice cream to include "old souls." They feel I am speaking not only to their past as children but to their present as secret ice cream eaters.So I am keep my original line. I still love your thought process and reasoning.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Patricia Crandall
This is a colorful senryu in both choices of visual and words. Ice cream is a child's delight as well as all ages but it does bring out the child in older folk. You have captured the theme well and I like your reference to (ice cream castles). So clever.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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This is a colorful senryu in both choices of visual and words. Ice cream is a child's delight as well as all ages but it does bring out the child in older folk. You have captured the theme well and I like your reference to (ice cream castles). So clever.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Oh, thank you, Patricia, for your review of my "colorful senryu in both choices of visual and words."
Comment from Rubylou
What a 'sweet' senryu. (pun intended) LOL
Your poem is fun and light-hearted and provides a feel of child-like 'thrills.'
Nice job with this one.
Rubylou
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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What a 'sweet' senryu. (pun intended) LOL
Your poem is fun and light-hearted and provides a feel of child-like 'thrills.'
Nice job with this one.
Rubylou
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Rubylou, for your review of my "sweet" senryu. I appreciate it
Comment from Rlegel99
Poem about a weakness for ice cream. Follows 5/7/5 and a human double could be a weakness for ice cream. Midsummer is a seasonal word not usually seen in this type of poetry.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Poem about a weakness for ice cream. Follows 5/7/5 and a human double could be a weakness for ice cream. Midsummer is a seasonal word not usually seen in this type of poetry.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, rlegel99, for your review of my senryu about humans' weakness for ice cream.
Comment from ciliverde
Nice job on this Senryu - you are absolutely right that both children and older folks love ice cream. In the first line you build the ice cream castles, then note the universal love of ice cream, ending with a great Satori line. Well done,
Carol
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Nice job on this Senryu - you are absolutely right that both children and older folks love ice cream. In the first line you build the ice cream castles, then note the universal love of ice cream, ending with a great Satori line. Well done,
Carol
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Oh, thank you, Carol, for your review of my senryu about the universal love of ice cream.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written senyru. You used very good descriptive wording and the art work you chose went well with your words. I enjoyed reading and reviewing. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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This is a very well written senyru. You used very good descriptive wording and the art work you chose went well with your words. I enjoyed reading and reviewing. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Teri, for your review of my "very well written senryu." I am glad you enjoyed reading it.
Comment from RGstar
Nicely done. I wish I could dream as he looks, for the last couple of days I have had nightmares of an eerie kind. The one that recurs nearly in same form always. I know when I am a little down, for it always happens then.
Nice senryu.
Good luck, my best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Nicely done. I wish I could dream as he looks, for the last couple of days I have had nightmares of an eerie kind. The one that recurs nearly in same form always. I know when I am a little down, for it always happens then.
Nice senryu.
Good luck, my best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, RGstar, for your review. I am sorry you are having reoccurring nightmares. Thank you for wishing me the best in the contest.
Comment from Aussie
Best wishes for your contest entry; liked the theme of your Senryu. Realising it is a syllable count, I stumbled over line two. Explain to this old girl, what has children's tongues got to do with thrilling old souls? I guess the very young and the very old love ice-cream? Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Best wishes for your contest entry; liked the theme of your Senryu. Realising it is a syllable count, I stumbled over line two. Explain to this old girl, what has children's tongues got to do with thrilling old souls? I guess the very young and the very old love ice-cream? Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Yes, Aussie, the very young and old souls love ice cream. really cold ice cream chills the tongue. Thank you for your review and for wishing me the best in the contest.
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At my age I can get a free ice-cream at McDonalds! Or a free small coffee. Seniors do well with some things in Oz. XXK
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes I loved this it is very well written and an original contest entry I like the artwork than inspired this creative senryu well done good luck regards Jill
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Yes I loved this it is very well written and an original contest entry I like the artwork than inspired this creative senryu well done good luck regards Jill
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Jill, for your review. I wrote my senryu first over the course of a day, and then I could artwork that best illustrated. My imagination and my love of frozen desserts inspired my poem, and not artwork. Thank you for wishing me the best in the contest.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
This is a lovely poem, sweet and satisfying! Really enjoyed this senryu and good luck in the competition kindest regards Meia x
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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This is a lovely poem, sweet and satisfying! Really enjoyed this senryu and good luck in the competition kindest regards Meia x
Comment Written 03-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Meia, for your review of my "lovely poem, sweet and satisfying!" Thank you also for wishing me the best in the contest.
