Sometimes a Dream Becomes You
Reality and dream can become one.9 total reviews
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Oh my goodness! Wow! What an amazing dream and it was a good thing that you had it. I always wondered why I used to get those dreams that seemed to warm me of something that was going to happen. It never really tells you what to do to prevent it from happening just that something is going to happen. I guess in looking back I could be thankful for some of those dreams. You should definitely be thankful for that one.
What an amazing story and so well written. I did not share the dream that I chose to share, so well or as well as you have shared yours. I didn't take the time to write it out as well as I should have. So good luck. You have written an exceptional write. I really enjoyed your dream story and I have learned that when I tell these stories to make sure I share them properly and take the time to write them out in a way that shows that I care about my writing the way I really do.
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Oh my goodness! Wow! What an amazing dream and it was a good thing that you had it. I always wondered why I used to get those dreams that seemed to warm me of something that was going to happen. It never really tells you what to do to prevent it from happening just that something is going to happen. I guess in looking back I could be thankful for some of those dreams. You should definitely be thankful for that one.
What an amazing story and so well written. I did not share the dream that I chose to share, so well or as well as you have shared yours. I didn't take the time to write it out as well as I should have. So good luck. You have written an exceptional write. I really enjoyed your dream story and I have learned that when I tell these stories to make sure I share them properly and take the time to write them out in a way that shows that I care about my writing the way I really do.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2017
Comment from Nan Beeson
What a fantastic story. Very well written and I was on the edge of my seat the entire time... I would have freaked out had it been my dream or experience. I often wonder about our dreams and the part it plays in our daily lives.
Your story was expertly written and I wish you luck in the contest
Sincerely....Nan:))
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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What a fantastic story. Very well written and I was on the edge of my seat the entire time... I would have freaked out had it been my dream or experience. I often wonder about our dreams and the part it plays in our daily lives.
Your story was expertly written and I wish you luck in the contest
Sincerely....Nan:))
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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What nice things to say! I read your review and It picked me up. Thank you so much.
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You are welcome/
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You are welcome.
Comment from Jackarrie
Wow, Loanna, This really did happen to you, it must have been so frightening. You were lucky to have escaped those horrible abductors.
You related your story well, at some parts could be written with fewer words, but a great story. I hope you do not have any lasting problems because of it.
Well done
Mary
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Wow, Loanna, This really did happen to you, it must have been so frightening. You were lucky to have escaped those horrible abductors.
You related your story well, at some parts could be written with fewer words, but a great story. I hope you do not have any lasting problems because of it.
Well done
Mary
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2017
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Yes, dear friend, it happened! And, every once in awhile I imagine the person behind me is a bit close..... Thanks for a nice review!
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
What a brilliant and interesting write . A beautiful yet imaginative piece painted skillfully wow this is truly incredible humorous and witty. Well done an elegant yet emotional write with such humour .kindest regards, Meia :)
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What a brilliant and interesting write . A beautiful yet imaginative piece painted skillfully wow this is truly incredible humorous and witty. Well done an elegant yet emotional write with such humour .kindest regards, Meia :)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
Comment from Halfree
An interesting story line that never gets developed. Question, "What is the story about?" To me, the story is about an attempted kidnapping. Being an "A" student, what does that bit of information add to the story? The opening is long and drawn-out with details that do not move the story along.
Perhaps the opening something like, "It just wasn't my day, I missed our driveway and ended up hubcap deep in the soggy front lawn and,...and I had flunked, and I mean really flunked, a chemistry exam. Also, Dad was not all that happy with the car in the front yard; he suggested, in not so warm tones, that I round-up some help to push it out.
At times fewer words help build tension. For example, the narrator tells of going back to her bedroom...she says ...back to bed room and saw.. Perhaps :I went back to the bed room, the window was still open.
Think this is a good story line and needs to be told with fewer words...there is great tension in the narrator's telling, a string words lessens the tension.
The Christian Bible has a sentence that is filled with emotion, two words, Jesus Wept.
That is wonderful example of saying a lot with a few words.
Hope you rewrite this...looking forward to the next posting of this story .
The above is just a suggestion.
I think the story and events are spellbinders, needs some serious rewrites.
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An interesting story line that never gets developed. Question, "What is the story about?" To me, the story is about an attempted kidnapping. Being an "A" student, what does that bit of information add to the story? The opening is long and drawn-out with details that do not move the story along.
Perhaps the opening something like, "It just wasn't my day, I missed our driveway and ended up hubcap deep in the soggy front lawn and,...and I had flunked, and I mean really flunked, a chemistry exam. Also, Dad was not all that happy with the car in the front yard; he suggested, in not so warm tones, that I round-up some help to push it out.
At times fewer words help build tension. For example, the narrator tells of going back to her bedroom...she says ...back to bed room and saw.. Perhaps :I went back to the bed room, the window was still open.
Think this is a good story line and needs to be told with fewer words...there is great tension in the narrator's telling, a string words lessens the tension.
The Christian Bible has a sentence that is filled with emotion, two words, Jesus Wept.
That is wonderful example of saying a lot with a few words.
Hope you rewrite this...looking forward to the next posting of this story .
The above is just a suggestion.
I think the story and events are spellbinders, needs some serious rewrites.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
Comment from Thal1959
For the most part, this is an interesting story. It is fairly well written with only a few miscues. The party was going great with a new band. In those days, we used to have "Battles of the Bands". and "so I just said,"home"." where, in both cases, the period is outside the quotations marks. It should be inside of them.
"I pulled into the station and ran inside to grab a Coke, as my car's tank was filled by a helpful attendant. Our house was only about five more miles down the road, and I was in a big hurry. "Oh no!"I thought." Other than the fact there is a 'space" missing between the closed quote mark and the "I" - the sentence is ambiguous. You pulled into the station, and the attendant filled the tank. You "mention' your house was a few miles down the road and you were in a hurry - but then you are being pulled over. In other words, you exited the gas station, apparently with a Coke, got in your car and continued on your way --- but none of that is mentioned. There should be a sentence or two that connects these events.
Other than these few small things, it is a nice work.
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For the most part, this is an interesting story. It is fairly well written with only a few miscues. The party was going great with a new band. In those days, we used to have "Battles of the Bands". and "so I just said,"home"." where, in both cases, the period is outside the quotations marks. It should be inside of them.
"I pulled into the station and ran inside to grab a Coke, as my car's tank was filled by a helpful attendant. Our house was only about five more miles down the road, and I was in a big hurry. "Oh no!"I thought." Other than the fact there is a 'space" missing between the closed quote mark and the "I" - the sentence is ambiguous. You pulled into the station, and the attendant filled the tank. You "mention' your house was a few miles down the road and you were in a hurry - but then you are being pulled over. In other words, you exited the gas station, apparently with a Coke, got in your car and continued on your way --- but none of that is mentioned. There should be a sentence or two that connects these events.
Other than these few small things, it is a nice work.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
Comment from pome lover
well, Miss Loanna - You took a horrifying occurrence and really told it well! First of all I'm glad you're all right - I'm sure that was terrifying.
I would just like to mention a couple of things that you might think about - In the first paragraph, count the number of times the word, "had" is used. Maybe you could rephrase some of it? And I, as a reader, wondered why an A student would flunk a test. Maybe one sentence to give a reason? The rest of it is fine -Had me glued to the screen. Good job!
Oh, forgot to say, I loved your last remark! funny.
Take care , young lady. Stay safe. Keep writing. I wish you the best!
Katharine - pome lover (just a play on the word, poem - I can spell it)
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well, Miss Loanna - You took a horrifying occurrence and really told it well! First of all I'm glad you're all right - I'm sure that was terrifying.
I would just like to mention a couple of things that you might think about - In the first paragraph, count the number of times the word, "had" is used. Maybe you could rephrase some of it? And I, as a reader, wondered why an A student would flunk a test. Maybe one sentence to give a reason? The rest of it is fine -Had me glued to the screen. Good job!
Oh, forgot to say, I loved your last remark! funny.
Take care , young lady. Stay safe. Keep writing. I wish you the best!
Katharine - pome lover (just a play on the word, poem - I can spell it)
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
Comment from Mark Valentine
As I read this I wasn't sure if it was fiction or not. If it had been anyone else, I would have said fiction, but knowing your life, I suspected it might have actually happened .
Given how compelling the story is, the great part about the writing is that it doesn't get in the way, but rather your language helps the reader see it from a teenage girl's point of view. The little details add to this (needing time to find the phone under the papers, grabbing a cookie), as do your snippets about teenage jealousies, new pink outfits, and part-time jobs.
The time and place came alive. A wonderful piece - here's hoping those kinds of adventures are done for you.
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As I read this I wasn't sure if it was fiction or not. If it had been anyone else, I would have said fiction, but knowing your life, I suspected it might have actually happened .
Given how compelling the story is, the great part about the writing is that it doesn't get in the way, but rather your language helps the reader see it from a teenage girl's point of view. The little details add to this (needing time to find the phone under the papers, grabbing a cookie), as do your snippets about teenage jealousies, new pink outfits, and part-time jobs.
The time and place came alive. A wonderful piece - here's hoping those kinds of adventures are done for you.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
Comment from winnona
A well-written contest entry. The story flows and moves right along from beginning to end. You build up the suspense well all through the story right to the end. it is so realistic that someone you may not have known well, but could have recognized could cause you so much pain and grief.
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A well-written contest entry. The story flows and moves right along from beginning to end. You build up the suspense well all through the story right to the end. it is so realistic that someone you may not have known well, but could have recognized could cause you so much pain and grief.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017