Sandra's Loss
The suffering a young girl endured during an earthquake7 total reviews
Comment from Lu Saluna
This is a very good story, sad and poignant. It captures the terror of a child in a disaster losing her family. The kindness of a neighbour willing to look after her.
Just noted a bit of an issue with a sentence fragment duplication:
Running through the kitchen, blinded by her tears, Sandra tripped over the broken wall, and fell into the yard. tripped over the broken wall, and fell into the yard. She slipped on fragments debris from decimated houses as she scrambled toward the street.
It doesn't take away from the story really but may affect the vote. If you get this message you may have the opportunity to correct it.
Best of luck to you.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2017
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This is a very good story, sad and poignant. It captures the terror of a child in a disaster losing her family. The kindness of a neighbour willing to look after her.
Just noted a bit of an issue with a sentence fragment duplication:
Running through the kitchen, blinded by her tears, Sandra tripped over the broken wall, and fell into the yard. tripped over the broken wall, and fell into the yard. She slipped on fragments debris from decimated houses as she scrambled toward the street.
It doesn't take away from the story really but may affect the vote. If you get this message you may have the opportunity to correct it.
Best of luck to you.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2017
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Thanks for the read and the suggestion.
Comment from Moon baby
I only found one little mistake, towards the very end of the story when she asks"What do you mean?" The next sentence, It can be, I think you meant It can't be. The story line is very good, lots of descriptive words to explain the scenario. The artwork is very fitting for the subject. Does not show much pain in the character Sandra when she learns her whole family is dead. But then again, that might come later in the story. I think you did a very good job on this and your story telling is very good also.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2017
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I only found one little mistake, towards the very end of the story when she asks"What do you mean?" The next sentence, It can be, I think you meant It can't be. The story line is very good, lots of descriptive words to explain the scenario. The artwork is very fitting for the subject. Does not show much pain in the character Sandra when she learns her whole family is dead. But then again, that might come later in the story. I think you did a very good job on this and your story telling is very good also.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2017
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Thanks for the read and catching the mistake. I will correct.
Comment from Heidi M
Very good description of what was happening while the earthquake was occurring. You used a lot of good detail.
Here are some suggestions for you to consider:
sturdy table (withstood) the crush
I would suggest: 'dust (plumed) around her'
She wonder(ed) about her parents
Consider: 'Tears gushed, she could feel (them) plowing'
saw her mother (crumple) to the
You want to be consistent with the spelling of momma/mama
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2017
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Very good description of what was happening while the earthquake was occurring. You used a lot of good detail.
Here are some suggestions for you to consider:
sturdy table (withstood) the crush
I would suggest: 'dust (plumed) around her'
She wonder(ed) about her parents
Consider: 'Tears gushed, she could feel (them) plowing'
saw her mother (crumple) to the
You want to be consistent with the spelling of momma/mama
Comment Written 25-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2017
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Thanks for the read and the suggestions. I will incorporate.
Comment from RodG
This story PUTS US THERE as the earthquake happens. We can visualize those moments in Sandra's kitchen as utensils fly, eggs break, and walls collapse. The sequence with the spreading fire is not as sharp and abruptly you stick in a paragraph telling us how old Sandra is and the surprise she planned. DON'T INTERRUPT THE ACTION. Later some vivid description of what her neighborhood is like and a sharp portrait of Mrs. Jankowski. I'd like more focus on Sandra's reaction to her real loss: her family.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2017
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This story PUTS US THERE as the earthquake happens. We can visualize those moments in Sandra's kitchen as utensils fly, eggs break, and walls collapse. The sequence with the spreading fire is not as sharp and abruptly you stick in a paragraph telling us how old Sandra is and the surprise she planned. DON'T INTERRUPT THE ACTION. Later some vivid description of what her neighborhood is like and a sharp portrait of Mrs. Jankowski. I'd like more focus on Sandra's reaction to her real loss: her family.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2017
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Thanks for the read and the suggestions. I will work on it.
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
I get that you're trying to set the scene in the opening paragraphs but it is perhaps a bit too much. you use 12 different adjectives to say things flew open or fell. Sometimes less is more.
She observe first the blue sky - observed.
She saw that her saliva contained globules of dirt - would she really have been observing her saliva at this crucial time?
Tears gushed from her eyes - as opposed from where else. from her eyes is redundant here.
She crawled out from under the table/The roof was gone - surely the table would have collapsed or been more buried. Where was the debris from the roof - tiles/timber and so on?
where she knew the rest of the family was asleep. - highly unlikely given the strength of the quake. perhaps had been asleep?
shell-shocked Civil War veterans.
- this term was only employed after WW1.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2017
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hi there,
I get that you're trying to set the scene in the opening paragraphs but it is perhaps a bit too much. you use 12 different adjectives to say things flew open or fell. Sometimes less is more.
She observe first the blue sky - observed.
She saw that her saliva contained globules of dirt - would she really have been observing her saliva at this crucial time?
Tears gushed from her eyes - as opposed from where else. from her eyes is redundant here.
She crawled out from under the table/The roof was gone - surely the table would have collapsed or been more buried. Where was the debris from the roof - tiles/timber and so on?
where she knew the rest of the family was asleep. - highly unlikely given the strength of the quake. perhaps had been asleep?
shell-shocked Civil War veterans.
- this term was only employed after WW1.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2017
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Thanks for the read and the suggestions. I will apply.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
This was a provocative and absorbing write. I enjoyed every tiny bit of it! Thanks! The writing was QUITE good and I found myself lost in your spell with this poor, tiny young girl! YIKES.
But - I did note a few nits that need your attention:
1.) Vibrations (shimmied) up her legs.
--> make sure you keep your verbs in agreement. You've been writing in the past tense, please continue doing so. Thanks!
2.) The only sound she heard was (a) loud moan and then silence.
3.) Tears gushed as she ran back th(r)ough the kitchen and stepped over
4.) with no drivers rampaged about banging [d-the] into fallen trees.
5.) covered in dust wandered about like shell-shocked Civil War veterans.
--> I have to wonder what good the mention of the Civil War does here. Why not leave it as just 'shell-shocked war veterans'?
--> The 'Civil War' part lifted me out of the reading to re-check the date of the story. This would keep the flow either way. Just a thought.
6.) She (looked) like someone who had escaped from a minstrel show.
--> verb tense again
Thanks! Hope this helps! Let me know when you edit and I will return and re-rate!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2017
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Dear Mystery Writer,
This was a provocative and absorbing write. I enjoyed every tiny bit of it! Thanks! The writing was QUITE good and I found myself lost in your spell with this poor, tiny young girl! YIKES.
But - I did note a few nits that need your attention:
1.) Vibrations (shimmied) up her legs.
--> make sure you keep your verbs in agreement. You've been writing in the past tense, please continue doing so. Thanks!
2.) The only sound she heard was (a) loud moan and then silence.
3.) Tears gushed as she ran back th(r)ough the kitchen and stepped over
4.) with no drivers rampaged about banging [d-the] into fallen trees.
5.) covered in dust wandered about like shell-shocked Civil War veterans.
--> I have to wonder what good the mention of the Civil War does here. Why not leave it as just 'shell-shocked war veterans'?
--> The 'Civil War' part lifted me out of the reading to re-check the date of the story. This would keep the flow either way. Just a thought.
6.) She (looked) like someone who had escaped from a minstrel show.
--> verb tense again
Thanks! Hope this helps! Let me know when you edit and I will return and re-rate!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2017
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Hey, thanks for the read and the corrections.
Comment from Sixty70
What a dreadful experience for this 13 year old girl. In one fell swoop, she loses everything. Solid descriptive detail for the most part.
I did feel as though the piece holds this child's experience a bit distant, as if watching from above. To give the writing more immediacy, it sometimes helps to avoid explaining the character's feelings, leaving this for the reader to infer. For example, you write: "She was horrified when she saw that her saliva contained globules of dirt." Instead, simply "She saw globules of dirt in her saliva."
Some nits: "Vibrations shimmy up her legs." For consistency you need the past tense verb, shimmied.
"An outside kitchen wall crumbled in front of her eyes, she could see the sky and the house next door." This feels like two complete thoughts; consider two sentences instead of the comma.
Good luck with the contest!
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2017
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What a dreadful experience for this 13 year old girl. In one fell swoop, she loses everything. Solid descriptive detail for the most part.
I did feel as though the piece holds this child's experience a bit distant, as if watching from above. To give the writing more immediacy, it sometimes helps to avoid explaining the character's feelings, leaving this for the reader to infer. For example, you write: "She was horrified when she saw that her saliva contained globules of dirt." Instead, simply "She saw globules of dirt in her saliva."
Some nits: "Vibrations shimmy up her legs." For consistency you need the past tense verb, shimmied.
"An outside kitchen wall crumbled in front of her eyes, she could see the sky and the house next door." This feels like two complete thoughts; consider two sentences instead of the comma.
Good luck with the contest!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2017
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Thanks for the read and the suggestions.
