A Future Lost.
Two lives wasted. Fiction.36 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Oh gee, what a killer of an ending. I didn't see that one coming until I was almost at the end of your story, and what a great story it was, too - your characters were highly believable, the pacing was excellent - I enjoyed it very much. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Oh gee, what a killer of an ending. I didn't see that one coming until I was almost at the end of your story, and what a great story it was, too - your characters were highly believable, the pacing was excellent - I enjoyed it very much. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you Dawn, for your kind review and good wishes. I'm pleased you enjoyed it...
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I did, very much! You're welcome. :)
Comment from oliver818
This is a very nice story. I like the way it flows, and it's sad yet believable too. Thanks for sharing and have a great day. Best of luck with the competition!
Oliver
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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This is a very nice story. I like the way it flows, and it's sad yet believable too. Thanks for sharing and have a great day. Best of luck with the competition!
Oliver
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you oliver818, for your kind review and good wishes.
Comment from William Ross
this is a well written story of a lost love because of a letter getting lost.very nicely done. This should do real well. good luck on this and have a wonderful day.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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this is a well written story of a lost love because of a letter getting lost.very nicely done. This should do real well. good luck on this and have a wonderful day.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much William, for your kind review and good wishes. I'm pleased you find it well written...
Comment from MissMerri
I found this story most interesting and well-told... I could find nothing to change, except the mother's description as "old lady." It is usually better to show her age by what we, the readers, can see... Such as slow movements and pain, wrinkles, tired eyes, etc. You did show us, in many places, so the telling was unnecessary and even a bit distracting. I would never describe my mother as "the old lady." She would be insulted. That might be something we'd say about someone we pass on the street... A stranger.
Anyway, that's just something to think about. Your story is well thought out and nicely expressed, and enjoyable to read. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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I found this story most interesting and well-told... I could find nothing to change, except the mother's description as "old lady." It is usually better to show her age by what we, the readers, can see... Such as slow movements and pain, wrinkles, tired eyes, etc. You did show us, in many places, so the telling was unnecessary and even a bit distracting. I would never describe my mother as "the old lady." She would be insulted. That might be something we'd say about someone we pass on the street... A stranger.
Anyway, that's just something to think about. Your story is well thought out and nicely expressed, and enjoyable to read. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you MissMerri, for your helpful review and good wishes. I know, telling is a little sin of mine. I have tried on this story, but I doubt that I'll ever get it completely right. Shame it can't be treated like an illness. LOL I appreciate your time, and I shall act upon your advice... Anon
Comment from Margaret Ford
The most important thing: your story got my attention and held it all the way through.
You've painted a realistic picture of the actions and feelings of two women, as the mother reveals, and the daughter discovers, what must surely have been the mother's most deeply held, and forever painful, secret.
This is a fine story. I enjoyed reading it and wish you luck in the contest. Margaret
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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The most important thing: your story got my attention and held it all the way through.
You've painted a realistic picture of the actions and feelings of two women, as the mother reveals, and the daughter discovers, what must surely have been the mother's most deeply held, and forever painful, secret.
This is a fine story. I enjoyed reading it and wish you luck in the contest. Margaret
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you Margaret, for your kind review and good wishes. I'm pleased you found it to be a fine story and enjoyable to read...
Comment from w.j.debi
What a sad story. So both of them believed the other one had decided that is wasn't worth it although they were truly in love. And they may have been so happy. You did an excellent job with the prompt.
Good use of dialog and description.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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What a sad story. So both of them believed the other one had decided that is wasn't worth it although they were truly in love. And they may have been so happy. You did an excellent job with the prompt.
Good use of dialog and description.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you w.j.debi, for your kind review. I'm pleased you liked it...
Comment from Alex Biasin
A very touching story.
It was well written and the emotion really came through.
It is strange how such things can happen, an accident? or was it the hand of fate?
Who can say, but a nicely written work.
Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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A very touching story.
It was well written and the emotion really came through.
It is strange how such things can happen, an accident? or was it the hand of fate?
Who can say, but a nicely written work.
Well done.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jan-2017
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Thank you Alex, for your kind review. I'm pleased you found it to be well written...
Comment from heisemg
What a sad story. It points out how fate sometimes rules our lives and I never saw the end coming. The story is well thought out and well written. Good luck in the contest, it is a very powerful entry.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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What a sad story. It points out how fate sometimes rules our lives and I never saw the end coming. The story is well thought out and well written. Good luck in the contest, it is a very powerful entry.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you heisemg, for your kind review. I'm pleased you found it well written...
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
What a misfortune but then having Bill would mean no Jenny...
Jenny thought she heard something; it could have been a kitten's meow. But she knew / Jenny put her arm around her mother - this is presented in third person narrative but later on it turns to - Looking up at me she added - which is first person narrative.
and with-held his true destination - withheld.
Her mum looked at her." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
I thought it was odd that the mother would have the letter to hand but not the photograph.
I can't wait until then. Your loving Bill. xxxx - need closing speech marks here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Hi there,
What a misfortune but then having Bill would mean no Jenny...
Jenny thought she heard something; it could have been a kitten's meow. But she knew / Jenny put her arm around her mother - this is presented in third person narrative but later on it turns to - Looking up at me she added - which is first person narrative.
and with-held his true destination - withheld.
Her mum looked at her." - delete the speech marks from the end here.
I thought it was odd that the mother would have the letter to hand but not the photograph.
I can't wait until then. Your loving Bill. xxxx - need closing speech marks here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you for your help. I have seen to those small snags.
I'm a little perplexed because you state that it was odd that the mother had the letter but not the photograph. Well the photograph is the subject of the story and the story has to start with it being found in an attic. The last sentence I wrote states that the mum wants the two kept together.
Perhaps you missed those two facts...
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No I didn't miss those facts. I found it odd that the old photograph was kept hidden away in the attic whereas the letter was close at hand. This also confused me as a reader as to why the extreme reaction to the photo when she had the letter so close to hand as well. Why weren't they together in terms of your story as opposed to the contest rules?
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I'm somewhat surprised at your logic here. The contest rules state that the story has to follow:- You're cleaning out your attic and stumble across an old photo of someone you don't recognise, hugging your mom. When you ask her about it she becomes very upset and runs out of the room.
I don't know perhaps the photo had been lost and forgotten about. And when she saw it, it shocked her. Where as the letter was kept somewhere safe in her room. The letter was found in the 1980s some 20 years or so after Bill left, it would be natural to keep this safe. So the picture and letter were from different times.
By coincidence we are moving house and I found an old wallet of photos from when I was in the ATC circa 1962. I was thrilled and surprised I didn't know they existed. So an odd photo could easily be misplaced.
As I'm sure you know that sometimes the reader has to fill in details with the hints given. This is the first confusion that has been expressed with this story...
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I understand the contest rules - I've won it twice before. But hey, it's your piece and this stuck out to me. It's just an opinion. choose to ignore it - By the way, the rules don't say it has to follow that starting point. you didn't have to use that as the starting point, it just has to feature in the piece.
Just because no one else has mentioned it doesn't mean it's wrong.
I once had a competition piece disqualified even though it received over 60 reviews because no one mentioned something I'd overlooked. I'm not saying that's the case here but just because something isn't mentioned doesn't mean it isn't so - just something to think about.
It's your work. you're happy with it and that's all that matters.
Best of luck in the competition.
GMG
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I respect your opinion and point of view. I wonder if this is just crossed wires here? I notice that you refer to the photo as hidden. In this story it had been lost and forgotten, perhaps put away somewhere and ended up in the attic. Her feelings about him may have soured a little over the 20 years before the letter surfaced. Then one can only guess the emotional response as she read the letter.
Perhaps if I were to mention that the picture had been lost and forgotten about at the beginning, and the only one she had of him.
Or, I could place the letter with the photo, that would mean a rewrite.
I appreciate you staying with this. I always find this type of post-mortem instructive and interesting. The essence of why I'm on this site. I appreciate your time. Kind regards...
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There was a line in there by the mother that says she'd almost forgotten about the photo which suggested she hadn't, but I see you've altered that to forgotten. (sometimes just one word makes a massive difference)
No problem with staying with a piece and discussing things. I find it helps me to re-look at things in a different way or solidifies the choices I made.
Whether it's right or wrong, if something makes you stop it's a good idea to mention it. I recently was turned down for a seal of approval on one of my works and one of the things mentioned was one phrase that made the judge pause. One phrase in a 7000 word story but enough to make a difference.
At the end of the day it's all about the choices we make in our work. I think the photo being completely forgotten and being the only one is a good choice.
I think what it was that I was getting at was (I probably wasn't totally clear looking back on my reviews/responses) was that the shock and response of Molly to the picture of her and Bill seemed odd to me given that she had the letter tucked away close at hand, so the reaction seemed incongruous to me as Bill was certainly still in her thoughts even so long after the fact. But I think the 'forgotten and lost' and shock of 'seeing him' could account for this. You could even include a line saying something along the lines of 'I'm sorry, Jenny. I just thought I'd never see him / lay eyes on him again' which covers the extent of the reaction.
All the best
G
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Your review on A Future Lost has been interesting. I have taken your advice and made a couple of small additions. This makes it clear that the photo is the only one she has.
That seems rather hard to me to fail you because of one phrase. It shows how pedantic the judges can be. I was failed once for the word count of a poem. With the amount of work we put into our writing they could be more understanding.
All the best
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Comment from Jackarrie
Hi
this is a sad story of a parting that could have been avoided. It would not happen today with all of our instant communication. It is a well written story. I wish you luck in the contest.
Mary
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Hi
this is a sad story of a parting that could have been avoided. It would not happen today with all of our instant communication. It is a well written story. I wish you luck in the contest.
Mary
Comment Written 08-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2017
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Thank you Mary, for your kind review and good wishes. I'm so pleased that you found it to be well written...
