A Future Lost.
Two lives wasted. Fiction.36 total reviews
Comment from Rasmine
This is a good piece of fiction. How tragic about the missing letter.
I found a couple of errors: Almost as if she wanted to stir back memories from her past life (this is a fragment. Maybe it needs to be connected to the last sentence?). After about ten days (comma after prepositional introduction) I asked after (about) him at his home.
It was obvious to me that he wanted to spare his mother's feelings and withheld his true destination." I was confused--was it 'his mother' or the speaker?
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
  |
This is a good piece of fiction. How tragic about the missing letter.
I found a couple of errors: Almost as if she wanted to stir back memories from her past life (this is a fragment. Maybe it needs to be connected to the last sentence?). After about ten days (comma after prepositional introduction) I asked after (about) him at his home.
It was obvious to me that he wanted to spare his mother's feelings and withheld his true destination." I was confused--was it 'his mother' or the speaker?
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
-
Hi Rasmine, thank you for your kind review. The mother (Molly) is speaking to her daughter Jenny. I appreciate your review... Mel..
Comment from fimarie78
This was a lovely heartfelt story. I liked that you focussed solely on the mother and daughter. The stirring at the beginning was nicely written. I just wonder if it will qualify for the contest, since mum didn't run out of the room crying. They are much stricter than I imagined about these things.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2017
|
This was a lovely heartfelt story. I liked that you focussed solely on the mother and daughter. The stirring at the beginning was nicely written. I just wonder if it will qualify for the contest, since mum didn't run out of the room crying. They are much stricter than I imagined about these things.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2017
-
Thank you fimarie78, I wrote on the third line that she ran off. I implied that she left the room, sometimes it is desirable to let the reader fill in the details. It was pointed out to me before and I altered it. The committee accepted it. I appreciate your review...
Comment from nor84
I wanted to give you a heads-up review. The contest rules say: You're cleaning out your attic and stumble across an old photo of someone you don't recognize, hugging your mom. When you ask her about it she becomes very upset and runs out of the room.
The mother doesn't "run out of the room" when questioned about a photograph her son or daughter found when cleaning the attic.
There's still time to review the rules and make adjustments to the story if necessary.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
 |
I wanted to give you a heads-up review. The contest rules say: You're cleaning out your attic and stumble across an old photo of someone you don't recognize, hugging your mom. When you ask her about it she becomes very upset and runs out of the room.
The mother doesn't "run out of the room" when questioned about a photograph her son or daughter found when cleaning the attic.
There's still time to review the rules and make adjustments to the story if necessary.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
-
While I wish to thank you for the review. I have read your comment and can't for the life of me understand how when the rules state that you find a photograph of someone hugging your mum, that you are not the son or daughter??? I always welcome fair criticism but this is just a mark down...
-
As I said in the review, the rules require the mother to run out of the room when questioned about the photograph. I do not think the woman in your story ran out of the room.
The review was intended to point out a possible error with regard to the contest rules so you could correct it before it went before the judges. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. We'll find out when the contest opens.
-
Although I don't specifically state she ran out of the room. I did make a reference to her running away in the second para. In the third Para the attic room is mentioned so the reader can deduce where she ran from? I respect your opinion, but as a writer you have to leave the reader to work out facts. To show and not tell.
It is impossible to please everyone and there are those that don't like my work, I accept that. It's just my luck that you are one of those secret judges. LOL...
-
I review contest entries just because most reviewers pay no attention to contest rules, which they should be doing to help other members. I do it because I am a recognized reviewer as shown by my yellow reviewing stars, and not because I am any sort of "secret judge."
Good luck in the contest.
-
I guess that writers want to follow the rules, as I do. Sometimes the interpretation can seem to be wrong. I like to take an original (as far as one can be so) approach. For reasons already stated.
I thank you for your review and good wishes, it is very much appreciated...
Comment from laffad
The beginning of this is confusing. Would you mind indicating who is saying what in terms of the dialogue? It's a great story otherwise. I wish you well in the contest and have confidence you will excel.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
|
The beginning of this is confusing. Would you mind indicating who is saying what in terms of the dialogue? It's a great story otherwise. I wish you well in the contest and have confidence you will excel.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2017
-
Thank you for your kind review and good wishes. I have followed the modern practice of keeping tags down to a minimum. I'm sorry if you found it confusing. I shall look this over. You're the first to bring this to my attention...
-
No problem! If you read my works, which I pray that you will, you will see I do the exact same thing!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
#That is a very believable story too. I can see something like that happening. So sad. You've written a really good story for the contest, it has lots of imagery, and emotion. Very sad too. Well done and good luck! :) Sandra x
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
|
#That is a very believable story too. I can see something like that happening. So sad. You've written a really good story for the contest, it has lots of imagery, and emotion. Very sad too. Well done and good luck! :) Sandra x
Comment Written 11-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
-
Thank you Sandra, for your kind review and good wishes. Sorry to be so late but I've been offline...
Comment from Drew Delaney
I really enjoyed reading this. It's almost hard to believe though, but in those days without all the ways we have now concerning communication I suppose it could have happened. You wrote it well though. Drew
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
|
I really enjoyed reading this. It's almost hard to believe though, but in those days without all the ways we have now concerning communication I suppose it could have happened. You wrote it well though. Drew
Comment Written 10-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
-
Thank you Drew, for your kind review. You are right, travel was a final act in those days. Sorry for the delay...
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Ohhh nooo, poor lady. She lost the love of her life because she lost the letter, or it got lost from her. One of those terrible ironies. Now, if there were cell phones and internet back then, it never would have happened. haha.
Great story, and good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
|
Ohhh nooo, poor lady. She lost the love of her life because she lost the letter, or it got lost from her. One of those terrible ironies. Now, if there were cell phones and internet back then, it never would have happened. haha.
Great story, and good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 10-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2017
-
Thank you davisr, for your kind review and good wishes. When you emigrated it was final in those days. Sorry for the delay...
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This is a nice tale about two people in love who weren't destined to be together. This grabbed my interest right away and held it all the way through. I wanted to know more about Mum and Jenny. I really thought Mum was going to tell Jenny that Bill was her father. I enjoyed this piece.
I noticed some spags:
"Awh, Mum[,] I've made a cup of tea, please (need a comma where indicated)
Her old head turned this way and that, eventually it sank down to rest with her chin on her chest, "That's the only photo I have." (The way this is written, you've used descriptive narrative as a very long tag line.)
"No--No, it's alright. (The second 'No' should be lower case rather than a capital)
"Yes, I can understand your feelings. There are some things we don't get over, they remain with us," {Jenny took hold of her mother's hands and faced those intelligent eyes,} "You could leave it for another day." (As written, you've used descriptive narrative as a tag line.)
We were childhood sweethearts[.] I knew him from the age of five years; inseparable, we did everything together. (Need a period where indicated.)
I had to be careful that dad didn't find out." (Dad is used as a proper noun and needs to be capitalized.)
"I eventually decided to go with him[,] although he knew it would be a wrench for me. (Comma where indicated)
We had no telephone in our house[,] so Bill would often carefully leave a secret letter for me in our kitchen[,] high up on the top of the old, loose, mantle piece. (Commas where indicated)
In the early eighties dad decided to replace (Dad is used as a proper noun and needs to be capitalized.)
A letter[,] yellow with age[,] {and} addressed to me. (Add commas where indicated, and omit the word 'and.')
"Tuesday[,] 15th February 1962. (Add comma where indicated.)
Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
|
This is a nice tale about two people in love who weren't destined to be together. This grabbed my interest right away and held it all the way through. I wanted to know more about Mum and Jenny. I really thought Mum was going to tell Jenny that Bill was her father. I enjoyed this piece.
I noticed some spags:
"Awh, Mum[,] I've made a cup of tea, please (need a comma where indicated)
Her old head turned this way and that, eventually it sank down to rest with her chin on her chest, "That's the only photo I have." (The way this is written, you've used descriptive narrative as a very long tag line.)
"No--No, it's alright. (The second 'No' should be lower case rather than a capital)
"Yes, I can understand your feelings. There are some things we don't get over, they remain with us," {Jenny took hold of her mother's hands and faced those intelligent eyes,} "You could leave it for another day." (As written, you've used descriptive narrative as a tag line.)
We were childhood sweethearts[.] I knew him from the age of five years; inseparable, we did everything together. (Need a period where indicated.)
I had to be careful that dad didn't find out." (Dad is used as a proper noun and needs to be capitalized.)
"I eventually decided to go with him[,] although he knew it would be a wrench for me. (Comma where indicated)
We had no telephone in our house[,] so Bill would often carefully leave a secret letter for me in our kitchen[,] high up on the top of the old, loose, mantle piece. (Commas where indicated)
In the early eighties dad decided to replace (Dad is used as a proper noun and needs to be capitalized.)
A letter[,] yellow with age[,] {and} addressed to me. (Add commas where indicated, and omit the word 'and.')
"Tuesday[,] 15th February 1962. (Add comma where indicated.)
Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 10-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2017
-
Thank you Suzanne, for your helpful review and good wishes. I'll see to those errors...
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Lovely story in answer to this writing prompt. Sad and emotional as the Mum's heartache is relayed to her daughter. Nicely done and good luck in the prompt.
cheers.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2017
|
Lovely story in answer to this writing prompt. Sad and emotional as the Mum's heartache is relayed to her daughter. Nicely done and good luck in the prompt.
cheers.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2017
-
Thank you Pearl for your kind review and good wishes. Much appreciated...
Comment from kriver
Hi,
This is an excellent story line.
Easy to picture the characters.
Good conflict s of emotion
keeps the reader's interest.
It make them want to keep reading to see what will happen next. If they get back together or what and what happened
to them when they were apart.
Best regards,
K River
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2017
|
Hi,
This is an excellent story line.
Easy to picture the characters.
Good conflict s of emotion
keeps the reader's interest.
It make them want to keep reading to see what will happen next. If they get back together or what and what happened
to them when they were apart.
Best regards,
K River
Comment Written 09-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2017
-
Thank you K River, for the kind review. I appreciate your time...
