Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Koko's Secret"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
24 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
Howdy Again, Cowgirl.
Crikey, I get to read two in a row lol. I can't help it, I need to know if he escapes or not.
"Technology, he decided, was only necessary when you distanced yourself from nature." (Perfectly said.)
"Turning backward(s), he grasped a rope rail and climbed to the level below."
"I don't know, maybe you're planning an escape with those stupid Ants you're always hanging around." (Hahahaha! What a classic sounding line.)
"Archie stifled a gasp as he continued to listen." I would have done more than that! I'd have said... Flippin Heck! Then ran like a bat out of hell!)
"He was surprised that(-that) that these two young women could throw such an important decision around without (a) thought for his desires."
"Who is it?" Koko asked. Her voice sounded tired and worried.
"Archie." (Idiot!)
"How far along are you?" Archie asked, sitting in a chair Koko waved him to." ( Wow!)
"Todd and I were planning on trying to escape in a few days." (Ahhhh, nice one.)
Wow, that chapter was filled with twists and turns that I didn't see coming at all.
So the plot thickens and I'm ready for the ride.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2017
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Howdy Again, Cowgirl.
Crikey, I get to read two in a row lol. I can't help it, I need to know if he escapes or not.
"Technology, he decided, was only necessary when you distanced yourself from nature." (Perfectly said.)
"Turning backward(s), he grasped a rope rail and climbed to the level below."
"I don't know, maybe you're planning an escape with those stupid Ants you're always hanging around." (Hahahaha! What a classic sounding line.)
"Archie stifled a gasp as he continued to listen." I would have done more than that! I'd have said... Flippin Heck! Then ran like a bat out of hell!)
"He was surprised that(-that) that these two young women could throw such an important decision around without (a) thought for his desires."
"Who is it?" Koko asked. Her voice sounded tired and worried.
"Archie." (Idiot!)
"How far along are you?" Archie asked, sitting in a chair Koko waved him to." ( Wow!)
"Todd and I were planning on trying to escape in a few days." (Ahhhh, nice one.)
Wow, that chapter was filled with twists and turns that I didn't see coming at all.
So the plot thickens and I'm ready for the ride.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 17-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2017
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Thank you for another wonderful six star review, my friend. You have a way of lifting the spirits!
I love the way you add humor to the story. We should write a poem together. haha.
After you and I did that, there are several on here to co-author poems or stories. That's okay, we started it.
I shall make the changes you suggested. It's funny how, even after the careful scrutiny of others, you manage to spiff it up for me.
Hugs to the Kwalas,
Rhonda
Comment from trumby
I hope that you don't mind me saying this, but you write a bit differently to most of the other ladies on this site. Most of them are quite happy to write poems about nature, fluffy kittens or their latest holiday, but you seem to feel quite comfortable writing about action. I like it! I think that it's because of your martial arts training.
Another outstanding chapter, mate. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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I hope that you don't mind me saying this, but you write a bit differently to most of the other ladies on this site. Most of them are quite happy to write poems about nature, fluffy kittens or their latest holiday, but you seem to feel quite comfortable writing about action. I like it! I think that it's because of your martial arts training.
Another outstanding chapter, mate. Keep it up.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the second six star review. It's so sweet, and so terribly encouraging.
I don't know why I like action so well, but I'm like that in movies, too. Giving me a fight over silly love stories, and I'll go for it every time. I think you're right about the marital arts. It's funny, we concentrate on negative choices affecting your life, but the same can be said for positive ones as well.
Again Thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from Lu Saluna
Very good plot development. You have added vivid detail, the story is coming alive. All is not well in paradise. Seems to be a great deal of conflict in this experiment. Interesting that new born babies aren't allowed in the experiment. How do they expect to perpetuate the human race if they do not have children?
Great chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2017
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Very good plot development. You have added vivid detail, the story is coming alive. All is not well in paradise. Seems to be a great deal of conflict in this experiment. Interesting that new born babies aren't allowed in the experiment. How do they expect to perpetuate the human race if they do not have children?
Great chapter.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2017
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According to what Leander (the head scientist) tells them, that happens in phase two, which they aren't quite ready for. Unfortunately, he can't completely control them. haha. At least not Koko, Todd and Archie.
Thanks for reading and reviewing, and for your helpful comments.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from mvbrooks
This is my first encounter with this story and the author notes were very helpful.
I found the story plausible (at least while reading it) and intriguing. The dialogue -- both between the two sisters, and between Archie and Koko--ring true of real conversation and true to the individual characters.
I was confused by the use of "pugilist" to describe the sparring sisters as it set it up that the two people in the room were punching each other and took a break, much like in a prize fight.
Perhaps consider changing it to "verbal pugilists" to clarify.
Otherwise, keep writing in this style. The grammar and punctuation are spot-on and now I'm wondering what happens next. I hope to catch the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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This is my first encounter with this story and the author notes were very helpful.
I found the story plausible (at least while reading it) and intriguing. The dialogue -- both between the two sisters, and between Archie and Koko--ring true of real conversation and true to the individual characters.
I was confused by the use of "pugilist" to describe the sparring sisters as it set it up that the two people in the room were punching each other and took a break, much like in a prize fight.
Perhaps consider changing it to "verbal pugilists" to clarify.
Otherwise, keep writing in this style. The grammar and punctuation are spot-on and now I'm wondering what happens next. I hope to catch the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I do so hope you will continue reading.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from StoryMaster
I loved this! There was a lot of suspense! Next time I would add more interesting sentence openers but other than this it was great!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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I loved this! There was a lot of suspense! Next time I would add more interesting sentence openers but other than this it was great!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Like what on the more interesting sentence openers? I would welcome your suggestions.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Rhonda,
He could smell the earthy odor of dirt walls, feel unexpected coolness in the air, and hear the whoosh of wind entering paneless windows. - this may just be a style thing but I always tend to shy away as much as is feasible from could smell, could taste, could see. it is telling over showing and think it could be incorporated more organically into the narrative. - The unexpected coolness in the air raised the hairs on his arm and the damp earthy odour stuck in his nostrils as he crept toward the ladder-like staircase.
the roughly hewn wooden door - this is one I use a lot! lol and Adrian (JPDuck) always told me off for it, God bless him! hewn suggests roughly.
Archie stifled a gasp as he continued to listen - I'll bet he did! Poor bugger...
He was surprised that that these two young women - delete a 'that' from here.
"She would like it even less if she knew your secret. - need closing speech marks here.
Koko hesitated, and looked down at her hands. A single tear fell down a face that was struggling to be brave. She hesitated a moment,- I don't think you need both hesitations in here.
Liked this chapter and good to see Archie getting his arse in gear... LOL
All the best
G
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Hi Rhonda,
He could smell the earthy odor of dirt walls, feel unexpected coolness in the air, and hear the whoosh of wind entering paneless windows. - this may just be a style thing but I always tend to shy away as much as is feasible from could smell, could taste, could see. it is telling over showing and think it could be incorporated more organically into the narrative. - The unexpected coolness in the air raised the hairs on his arm and the damp earthy odour stuck in his nostrils as he crept toward the ladder-like staircase.
the roughly hewn wooden door - this is one I use a lot! lol and Adrian (JPDuck) always told me off for it, God bless him! hewn suggests roughly.
Archie stifled a gasp as he continued to listen - I'll bet he did! Poor bugger...
He was surprised that that these two young women - delete a 'that' from here.
"She would like it even less if she knew your secret. - need closing speech marks here.
Koko hesitated, and looked down at her hands. A single tear fell down a face that was struggling to be brave. She hesitated a moment,- I don't think you need both hesitations in here.
Liked this chapter and good to see Archie getting his arse in gear... LOL
All the best
G
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thanks so much for the pointers, my friend! And for finding the Spag. Oh well, I made it past you on the last chapter...
Yeah, about time Archie does something besides sitting around. All he needed was a boost! haha.
Thanks for your time.
Rhonda
Comment from barkingdog
This is the first chapter that I've read of your new novel and I'm glad to be starting near the beginning. Your summary caught me up. Thank you for that.
You've developed a set of circumstances that would endanger Koko's unborn child.
Franklin wants to escape.
With her research, she has the means to survive the desert.
Will Koko, Todd and Franklin leave together?
I like the 'Houses' of the Hokee clan. Very imaginative.
:) e
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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This is the first chapter that I've read of your new novel and I'm glad to be starting near the beginning. Your summary caught me up. Thank you for that.
You've developed a set of circumstances that would endanger Koko's unborn child.
Franklin wants to escape.
With her research, she has the means to survive the desert.
Will Koko, Todd and Franklin leave together?
I like the 'Houses' of the Hokee clan. Very imaginative.
:) e
Comment Written 04-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much for your review, and for joining in!!
I'm afraid Todd isn't going to be accompanying them...
I actually conceived the houses when I was very young, and only recently found where I had written the idea down. Funny how that works!!
Again, thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from Thomas Bowling
I would imagine that living in a society that was raising orphans that Koko' pregnancy may cause some problems for her. How ill it change her ability to raise an orphan and her own child?
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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I would imagine that living in a society that was raising orphans that Koko' pregnancy may cause some problems for her. How ill it change her ability to raise an orphan and her own child?
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2017
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True, Thomas, it isn't easy started from scratch that way. Maybe she'll get some help!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good! They can help each other. I wonder what happened to Todd... maybe I just forgot? Archie has to get out of there so the govt can shut Hokee down and put those jerks in jail!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Good! They can help each other. I wonder what happened to Todd... maybe I just forgot? Archie has to get out of there so the govt can shut Hokee down and put those jerks in jail!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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They don't know where Todd is, either. He's still lost, and that's one reason Ayala is upset. Lol,
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.
Rhonda
Comment from Heidi M
Very interesting that Koko is pregnant. How is that for complicating things? At least she is not so brainwashed that she thinks a baby would be a danger to the community like everyone else seems to believe. I hope they can find and free Todd so the three-month can escape.
Favorite lines: 'I mean the wreck I was in didn't end when the car rolled to a stop. My whole life has been a disaster ever since'. Well stated, Archie!
One suggestion: delete 'about' from this sentence 'I'm not here to discuss about my marital status'
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Very interesting that Koko is pregnant. How is that for complicating things? At least she is not so brainwashed that she thinks a baby would be a danger to the community like everyone else seems to believe. I hope they can find and free Todd so the three-month can escape.
Favorite lines: 'I mean the wreck I was in didn't end when the car rolled to a stop. My whole life has been a disaster ever since'. Well stated, Archie!
One suggestion: delete 'about' from this sentence 'I'm not here to discuss about my marital status'
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the "about" commentary. I had revised that line, and left a word behind. I'm glad you caught it!!
Thank you for the wonderful positive review. It is much needed and appreciated.
Take care,
Rhonda
