Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Houses of Hokee"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
23 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Padna.
Sorry about always being delayed. I tried to do some reading on Sunday, but a storm came through and knocked the internet out, again.
Anyway, let's get on with this cool book.
Ayala stood and picked up her tray, indicating the conversation was over with her sister. Archie took the cue and rose with her. (I have been wondering what food was on the trays! I must be hungry. lol. )
Archie had taken the first step when he left the room earlier, placing a wad of torn sheet into the strike plate on the door so the bolt wouldn't slip in all the way. (Darn! Wish I'd thought of that when I was a kid.)
"Like it or not, animals are tied into our evolution," (Too true.)
"What are the names of your other houses?" (Yes, good question!)
"Well, first, there are the Tarantulas. They are our architects and builders." (Spiders are the best builders... Well played.)
"The Donkeys maintain the roads," (Hahahaha! There are a few donkeys maintaining the roads here as well.)
"We also have the Cougars which I mentioned before. They're our police force and protection against outside enemies." (Very good thinking with the appropriate animal names and the tasks.)
"They also make sure none of us escape," (Should that be "escapes?")
"We also have the Rat(-)kin." (There are a few others, as well. Let me know if I'm right, please.)
"Which is what age?" Archie asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Five(-)years-old,"
"We just got a five(-)year-old little boy,"
"especially ones who care for your babies?" (I seem to remember having a rat as a babysitter.)
"I'm shocked. So, in your theory, is it okay to love some animals and find others detestable?" (Cop that!)
"What other animals do you find unclean?"
"None, go on." (Hahahaha! You've never come across one of these rat sized cockroaches in the Philippines, mate!)
"Okay, we have the Hawk(-)kin," (I think - should be there, anyway.)
"or we tell (-if) (-there)(+them if) is(-is) someone is consistently breaking the rules, we tell them." (-we tell them." )
"We are, but we're sterilized once we reach puberty." (Ouch!)
"Another house belongs to the Buzzard(-)Kin."
"Let me guess, they're the clean up crew."
"Hey(,) I saw one of those right before I crashed."
Great chapter sis. I've made a few little observations, see how you go with them.
I'm loving this stuff and now I know the house names and what they do I feel like I'm more acquainted with the place.
Another great explanatory chapter.
Well done.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2017
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G'day Padna.
Sorry about always being delayed. I tried to do some reading on Sunday, but a storm came through and knocked the internet out, again.
Anyway, let's get on with this cool book.
Ayala stood and picked up her tray, indicating the conversation was over with her sister. Archie took the cue and rose with her. (I have been wondering what food was on the trays! I must be hungry. lol. )
Archie had taken the first step when he left the room earlier, placing a wad of torn sheet into the strike plate on the door so the bolt wouldn't slip in all the way. (Darn! Wish I'd thought of that when I was a kid.)
"Like it or not, animals are tied into our evolution," (Too true.)
"What are the names of your other houses?" (Yes, good question!)
"Well, first, there are the Tarantulas. They are our architects and builders." (Spiders are the best builders... Well played.)
"The Donkeys maintain the roads," (Hahahaha! There are a few donkeys maintaining the roads here as well.)
"We also have the Cougars which I mentioned before. They're our police force and protection against outside enemies." (Very good thinking with the appropriate animal names and the tasks.)
"They also make sure none of us escape," (Should that be "escapes?")
"We also have the Rat(-)kin." (There are a few others, as well. Let me know if I'm right, please.)
"Which is what age?" Archie asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Five(-)years-old,"
"We just got a five(-)year-old little boy,"
"especially ones who care for your babies?" (I seem to remember having a rat as a babysitter.)
"I'm shocked. So, in your theory, is it okay to love some animals and find others detestable?" (Cop that!)
"What other animals do you find unclean?"
"None, go on." (Hahahaha! You've never come across one of these rat sized cockroaches in the Philippines, mate!)
"Okay, we have the Hawk(-)kin," (I think - should be there, anyway.)
"or we tell (-if) (-there)(+them if) is(-is) someone is consistently breaking the rules, we tell them." (-we tell them." )
"We are, but we're sterilized once we reach puberty." (Ouch!)
"Another house belongs to the Buzzard(-)Kin."
"Let me guess, they're the clean up crew."
"Hey(,) I saw one of those right before I crashed."
Great chapter sis. I've made a few little observations, see how you go with them.
I'm loving this stuff and now I know the house names and what they do I feel like I'm more acquainted with the place.
Another great explanatory chapter.
Well done.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 17-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Padna! I appreciate the stars and the comments!
I love the line-by-line you are so famous for. Yes, famous!!
You have helped a lot, and I'll go back in and make changes.
Sorry I haven't responded for a few days, but I've been busy making a quilt for a benefit here in town, and I'm woefully behind on it. I have to have it done by Saturday, and I'm about half-way through with the quilting part.
And now, I'm at 109 messages. Ouch!!
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Dustybones
Good story telling. I'm way behind reading and reviewing. I need to catch up a little on the past few weeks. Sorry. Later....Boyd
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Good story telling. I'm way behind reading and reviewing. I need to catch up a little on the past few weeks. Sorry. Later....Boyd
Comment Written 03-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Boyd. I was seriously behind for a while, too. It's easy to get that way!
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I know...I can't believe there's too much to catch up on. Thank for understanding. Boyd
Comment from Sis Cat
A fascinating, imaginative read. A couple of things stood out. The quality of your dialogue. I enjoyed the push and pull, the tension and differences between Archie and Ayala. Their dialogue reveals conflict and moves the story forward. Another thing that stood our was the quality and the creativity of your imagination. Hokee sounds like a real village with real customs. It seems to be a hybrid Native American and cult culture. Since the action takes place in Texas, I thought of the Branch Davidians of Waco. Your story is plausible and engaging. I also love the sense of mystery. Your writing is top notch. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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A fascinating, imaginative read. A couple of things stood out. The quality of your dialogue. I enjoyed the push and pull, the tension and differences between Archie and Ayala. Their dialogue reveals conflict and moves the story forward. Another thing that stood our was the quality and the creativity of your imagination. Hokee sounds like a real village with real customs. It seems to be a hybrid Native American and cult culture. Since the action takes place in Texas, I thought of the Branch Davidians of Waco. Your story is plausible and engaging. I also love the sense of mystery. Your writing is top notch. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the brilliant review, Sis Cat.
I'm glad the dialogue worked. It has a lot of purpose most miss, but you did not. Good call.
It actually is set in New Mexico. Archie was on his way to scope out the Desert Southwest for his father, the President, when an accident occurred that landed him in Hokee. He is a Texas Senator, though, so that's the tie in there.
Yeah, it's a bit like the Branch Dividians, minus the multiple spouses and the tainted coolaid, but the idea is pretty much the same. People try to set up a Utopia, but when they do, they mess with natural selection and free will.
Thanks again, my friend,
Rhonda
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New Mexico? My father lived in Albuquerque. Used to visit him all the time. Thank you for sharing your thrilling story.
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Thank you for reading!!
Comment from Pam (respa)
-I like the new picture. It is interesting as it ties in with one of the houses, and is a gorgeous work of art.
-It is obvious you did a lot of preparation for this chapter: all these houses, animal supervisors, rules, etc. It is quite impressive.
-Of course, Archie wants to learn about this place, but he also does not want to forget his values, either.
-I like how he engages Ayala into talking about the houses while they are walking to the house.
-Ayala, as I am sure most of the others, can give this information without thinking about it, and that is a main point, in my opinion, no thinking, just propaganda they have been told.
-It is this progaganda that Archie is going to try and fight against.
-I think his first steps in this process are learning as much as he can, and trying to cover his tracks when he leaves his room to make sure he is not locked in. I didn't recall they were locked in, but I know I would hate that feeling, too.
-The ending is very intriguing--who are those raised voices and why are they doing so? Archie uses a trick learned on t.v. and opened his lock--what will he find out there?!
-Have a wonderful holiday and new year. I have decided to take a break from posting on FS until after the new year, but am still doing a bit of reviewing.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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-I like the new picture. It is interesting as it ties in with one of the houses, and is a gorgeous work of art.
-It is obvious you did a lot of preparation for this chapter: all these houses, animal supervisors, rules, etc. It is quite impressive.
-Of course, Archie wants to learn about this place, but he also does not want to forget his values, either.
-I like how he engages Ayala into talking about the houses while they are walking to the house.
-Ayala, as I am sure most of the others, can give this information without thinking about it, and that is a main point, in my opinion, no thinking, just propaganda they have been told.
-It is this progaganda that Archie is going to try and fight against.
-I think his first steps in this process are learning as much as he can, and trying to cover his tracks when he leaves his room to make sure he is not locked in. I didn't recall they were locked in, but I know I would hate that feeling, too.
-The ending is very intriguing--who are those raised voices and why are they doing so? Archie uses a trick learned on t.v. and opened his lock--what will he find out there?!
-Have a wonderful holiday and new year. I have decided to take a break from posting on FS until after the new year, but am still doing a bit of reviewing.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Wow, thank you Pam! First for the six stars, and secondly for the wonderful and insightful review!
You hit on many of my main points that most don't notice. Yes, Archie is attempting to find out what all the propaganda is first, and to map the territory. Find strengths and weaknesses in the system under the pretense of wanting to fit in.
He won't fight the propaganda as it's too ingrained. He'll look for chinks in the system, which the next chapter will start unraveling.
Thank you for a year full of help and support.
Have a very Merry Christmas, my friend,
and I look forward to you're posting again!
Rhonda
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You are very welcome and deserving, Rhonda. I am enjoying the interaction between Archie and Ayala; as you said, he is basically playing it cautious, but also learning the ropes where he can. You are very welcome for the support through the year. Have a wonderful Christmas and very good New Year.
Comment from rspoet
Remind me never to drive my Ferrari in the desert,
anywhere near Hokee.
The cougars sound a bit like storm trooper
as in the SS storm troopers.
I had a bit of trouble with the believable of this as a government settlement,
but after our recent election, I guess anything is possible. lol
Archie's situation seems bleaker after each chapter.
I think he will have a lot of difficulty getting out.
He may have to "convert" some of the residents
and become the opposition leader.
This is developing quite well as we learn more of the cult like nature of Hokee.
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Remind me never to drive my Ferrari in the desert,
anywhere near Hokee.
The cougars sound a bit like storm trooper
as in the SS storm troopers.
I had a bit of trouble with the believable of this as a government settlement,
but after our recent election, I guess anything is possible. lol
Archie's situation seems bleaker after each chapter.
I think he will have a lot of difficulty getting out.
He may have to "convert" some of the residents
and become the opposition leader.
This is developing quite well as we learn more of the cult like nature of Hokee.
Nicely done.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for the six stars and the wonderful review.
You'll find out a lot about the charter later, and why it was started. Basically it's an experiment gone a bit bad. Good thing Archie showed up!!
Archie's approach will be to find the weaknesses and get people on his side, but he won't openly engage them, not until he has more fire power!!
Good call on the Storm Trooper Cougars. Hahaha.
Thanks for being a good friend, and avid reviewer, Robert.
Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year,
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
child-like - childlike.
A lot of exposition and explaining in this chapter, although it comes across well in the dialogue and not too stilted as these things invariably do.
Archie asked, "especially ones who care for your babies - Especially. The previous dialogue is closed off so this needs the capitalisation.
or we tell if there is someone is consistently breaking the rules, we tell them." - this part of the sentence needs reworked as their is a word extra/missing and a needless repetition.
More good revelations with the sterilisation process too.
"They're considered unclean, and we seldom interact with the people.
- need closing speech marks here.
They were back to his room - back at his room?
"Our sports specialists, the deer." - should Deer be capitalised here? All the others have been.
so we can begin preparing your for your new life in the village - preparing you.
well-being - wellbeing.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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child-like - childlike.
A lot of exposition and explaining in this chapter, although it comes across well in the dialogue and not too stilted as these things invariably do.
Archie asked, "especially ones who care for your babies - Especially. The previous dialogue is closed off so this needs the capitalisation.
or we tell if there is someone is consistently breaking the rules, we tell them." - this part of the sentence needs reworked as their is a word extra/missing and a needless repetition.
More good revelations with the sterilisation process too.
"They're considered unclean, and we seldom interact with the people.
- need closing speech marks here.
They were back to his room - back at his room?
"Our sports specialists, the deer." - should Deer be capitalised here? All the others have been.
so we can begin preparing your for your new life in the village - preparing you.
well-being - wellbeing.
All the best
G
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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As always, thank you for being meticulous and careful. Believe it or not, I always look forward to your reviews. Of course, I try to make sure it's cleaned up before you get to it, but that challenge makes me stronger as a writer!!
the childlike and wellbeing was tagged by my computer with a red line underneath, so I changed it to the hyphen. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll go back and change it to what I had to begin with!
Thank you ever so much!
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, I am so far behind with this new book that over the weekend when I am celebrating alone, I will read this from the start. That way I can get a better understanding of what your intriguing book is about. With this chapter, I really was very engrossed with the conversation between Archie and this Ayala. Intense, informational into what these houses are for and why they have the names they have. Rhonda, you have such a great imagination to develop the story, plots, subplots, characters and scenarios. Always well done and very interesting!
Well Rhonda take care and have a very Merry Christmas.
Your friend with love
Jimmy
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Rhonda, I am so far behind with this new book that over the weekend when I am celebrating alone, I will read this from the start. That way I can get a better understanding of what your intriguing book is about. With this chapter, I really was very engrossed with the conversation between Archie and this Ayala. Intense, informational into what these houses are for and why they have the names they have. Rhonda, you have such a great imagination to develop the story, plots, subplots, characters and scenarios. Always well done and very interesting!
Well Rhonda take care and have a very Merry Christmas.
Your friend with love
Jimmy
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much, Jimmy. You're comments are warming and appreciated. I would be honored for you to read the other chapters. While the Daredevil Girls are aimed at young adult females, the Humanity Project is more targeted to adult men. I have two sons and I tried to write one they would like. Any comments along that line as you're reading will be most helpful, and not misconstrued as criticism.
I'm sorry you will be alone for Christmas. You deserve company. I'll think about you on that special day, my dear friend, and I hope that helps. If you lived close enough, you could join my family for Christmas breakfast.
Take care, and Merry Christmas!
Love and hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Mabaker
Even though I came in somewhere , I enjoyed this story. Very well written and quite intriguing. I must go back and find the other chapters, that's only fair. This one top marks. Sincerely Anne.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Even though I came in somewhere , I enjoyed this story. Very well written and quite intriguing. I must go back and find the other chapters, that's only fair. This one top marks. Sincerely Anne.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Anne, what a wonderful thing to say. I would be honored for your to read the other chapters. Good thing is, I'm not very far in the book. I am still honored that you took the time to read this one.
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from trumby
Very well written. It's building well on the suspense and drama.
Congratulations on building a new world, or at least a new system.
Very smooth flow of words.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Very well written. It's building well on the suspense and drama.
Congratulations on building a new world, or at least a new system.
Very smooth flow of words.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you, Trumby!
Your words are encouraging and thoughtful.
This book is my scientist side emerging, as I try very hard to design it as it might be if we had the technology and permission to set up such a society. Of course, it's inherently evil as no one has the right to run other people's lives. That, you can already tell, is a common theme.
Thanks, again, for reading and keeping up.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from dweigt
This is good! You are advancing the story and providing us with more information. I didn't notice any obvious spags, so my comments and suggestions are content related.
He had already begun to formulate an escape plan -- watch for unneeded words, like "already" in this case.
Unbeknownst to Ayala, Archie had taken the first step -- Delete "Unbeknownst to Ayala,". For one thing, we don't know Ayala's thoughts, as this is all in Archie's viewpoint. For all we know she is aware of Archie's action but hasn't taken action for reasons of her own. For another, it doesn't really add anything, and will be assumed by the reader.
They make our clothing from wool -- Wool is from sheep. Maybe I missed something. They don't like animals, but they keep sheep?
The Ant Kin breed and raise meat animals outside the village -- OK, forget my comment about the sheep. I guess they raise sheep for mutton and wool?
I'm a little confused by Ayala's attitude toward pregnancy. If they are sterilized at puberty, any pregnancies would be unintentional, caused by failed procedures. And you tell us what happens once a pregnancy is discovered, and it would be hard to hide for long. So how could anyone have a baby without permission?
I like the little hook a the end, making us eager to read the next chapter. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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This is good! You are advancing the story and providing us with more information. I didn't notice any obvious spags, so my comments and suggestions are content related.
He had already begun to formulate an escape plan -- watch for unneeded words, like "already" in this case.
Unbeknownst to Ayala, Archie had taken the first step -- Delete "Unbeknownst to Ayala,". For one thing, we don't know Ayala's thoughts, as this is all in Archie's viewpoint. For all we know she is aware of Archie's action but hasn't taken action for reasons of her own. For another, it doesn't really add anything, and will be assumed by the reader.
They make our clothing from wool -- Wool is from sheep. Maybe I missed something. They don't like animals, but they keep sheep?
The Ant Kin breed and raise meat animals outside the village -- OK, forget my comment about the sheep. I guess they raise sheep for mutton and wool?
I'm a little confused by Ayala's attitude toward pregnancy. If they are sterilized at puberty, any pregnancies would be unintentional, caused by failed procedures. And you tell us what happens once a pregnancy is discovered, and it would be hard to hide for long. So how could anyone have a baby without permission?
I like the little hook a the end, making us eager to read the next chapter. Keep writing!
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the wonderful rating, Dweight, and for the carefully thought out comments.
The animal thing is explained in the chapter before. They do keep animals for their needs, but they are kept outside the complex, and tended by the lowly Ant Kin. It is a paradox of their society, but intentional.
The pregnancy thing is another paradox, and will come up soon. Yes, some try to get away with it, but when reported is "taken care of". Next chapter will focus on this. It is sort of a throw back to the Vestal Virgins and Romulus and Remus. You'll see. Thanks for noticing that detail!
Good call on the unnecessary words. Probably one of biggest issues as a writer, also a reason I could never be a Haiku writer. haha.
Thanks, again, my friend,
Rhonda