Luna's Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Mickey"a place to gather my poetic forms
28 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
Luna,
This is a well done sestina. A form I find very difficult. It shows you love for your son and how your faith and love help you through your grief.
Joan
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Luna,
This is a well done sestina. A form I find very difficult. It shows you love for your son and how your faith and love help you through your grief.
Joan
Comment Written 06-Nov-2021
Comment from sandy montgomery
I will go back and read for form but I just have ti say this is real and raw and beautiful. This seems to me to be the right form. What is most important is how such love and pride and grief was poured out in such a lovely way. Thank you for sharing your work.
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I will go back and read for form but I just have ti say this is real and raw and beautiful. This seems to me to be the right form. What is most important is how such love and pride and grief was poured out in such a lovely way. Thank you for sharing your work.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2016
Comment from DR DIP
Beautifully written Jeni. This is a beautiful tribute to your son and I am so sorry for your loss You have described him as angelic and a protector what a beautiful thought of reassurance well done
dip
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Beautifully written Jeni. This is a beautiful tribute to your son and I am so sorry for your loss You have described him as angelic and a protector what a beautiful thought of reassurance well done
dip
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
Comment from Drew Delaney
So sorry I cannot help you Luna with improving this piece. All I can say and think is how your words have tugged at my heartstrings and whelmed tears to my eyes. Your pain is so evident and your words describe clearly a mother's heart. I can't imagine this sorrow you write, but I have a grandson who possibly is heading in that direction. It is grieving to stand by and watch. No words of direction will he accept.
Welcome back, Luna. I remember you somewhat when I first began here on Fanstory. I was HOUSEMAID at the time. So glad you have returned.
Hugs and prayers,
Drew xx
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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So sorry I cannot help you Luna with improving this piece. All I can say and think is how your words have tugged at my heartstrings and whelmed tears to my eyes. Your pain is so evident and your words describe clearly a mother's heart. I can't imagine this sorrow you write, but I have a grandson who possibly is heading in that direction. It is grieving to stand by and watch. No words of direction will he accept.
Welcome back, Luna. I remember you somewhat when I first began here on Fanstory. I was HOUSEMAID at the time. So glad you have returned.
Hugs and prayers,
Drew xx
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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Thanks so much for reading my work and for this review. I appreciate your attention to my work and I apologize for not replying sooner!
luna
Comment from mvbrooks
I'm learning much about poetry from reading your works. While the "finished product" reads smoothly and meets many challenging 'rules,' on reflection I realize it must take time and revision to make these pieces.
This poem was very personal--yet, again it touches the reader as well as the writer.
For me, the strongest line was "Folks who have never felt the bond of love
between a mother and child don't know what to say. I tell them, "Just pray for my angel." Good advice.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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I'm learning much about poetry from reading your works. While the "finished product" reads smoothly and meets many challenging 'rules,' on reflection I realize it must take time and revision to make these pieces.
This poem was very personal--yet, again it touches the reader as well as the writer.
For me, the strongest line was "Folks who have never felt the bond of love
between a mother and child don't know what to say. I tell them, "Just pray for my angel." Good advice.
Comment Written 27-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2016
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Thanks so much for reading my work and for this review. I appreciate your attention to my work and I apologize for not replying sooner!
luna
Comment from harmony13
Excellent Poem! The author's words are strong, heart felt and thought provoking.
I have never attempted this form of poetry. But what I can tell you is that the
poem is just beautiful. The expression of your love for your son strongly came through. The artwork is perfect and compliments the theme and words of this
poem.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Excellent Poem! The author's words are strong, heart felt and thought provoking.
I have never attempted this form of poetry. But what I can tell you is that the
poem is just beautiful. The expression of your love for your son strongly came through. The artwork is perfect and compliments the theme and words of this
poem.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Thank you, harmony. Usually this form is one of my hardest, but with this I lorry my heartstrings do the talking.
The picture was taken on the last day i day Mickey alive; two years ago yesterday.
Thanks Very much...
Comment from Writer51
Very good poem. The message is clear, and the emotions that are carried here are very strong. Most people don't know the lingering agony of loss. I know exactly where this is at.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Very good poem. The message is clear, and the emotions that are carried here are very strong. Most people don't know the lingering agony of loss. I know exactly where this is at.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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My friend, I'm sorry that you can relate on a personal Krebs to this subject. If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to pm me!
Comment from Sis Cat
Luna, this is one of the finest poems on grief and loss I have read on FanStory. You nearly brought me to tears. I focused less on your Sestina structure as fine as that is and more on the rawness of your emotions, grief, and memories:
"Firstborn, beloved son, protector and best friend, Mickey
is your name. I hope not only I remember the way you looked and the blue of your eyes, angel."
You wrote your poem from the heart. Your love and loss resonates.
This is hard. This untimely death is a very hard loss, and I grieve for you. I am glad you find solace in knowing that you have a guardian angel in Heaven.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Luna, this is one of the finest poems on grief and loss I have read on FanStory. You nearly brought me to tears. I focused less on your Sestina structure as fine as that is and more on the rawness of your emotions, grief, and memories:
"Firstborn, beloved son, protector and best friend, Mickey
is your name. I hope not only I remember the way you looked and the blue of your eyes, angel."
You wrote your poem from the heart. Your love and loss resonates.
This is hard. This untimely death is a very hard loss, and I grieve for you. I am glad you find solace in knowing that you have a guardian angel in Heaven.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Dear Sis Cat,
What lovely compliments you utter...I'm thrilled that you could tell this was from the heart and am grateful for your condolences.
Luna
Comment from Pantygynt
I wonder if you saw my "To Write a Sestina" in my boiok "Flat Packed Poetry". I think probably not because when I wrote it you were still away, because a major piece of advice I included there has not been followed.
The form is difficult and you are to be congratulated on having extricated yourself from the the trap into which you had fallen. Should you write another you might find it easier if you chose your six repeating words from a variety of different parts of speech rather than all nouns as here.
A "nouns only" approach tends towards a lack of enjambment which would come much more easily if you include verbs, prepositions, pronouns and conjunctions in your first stanza endings.
In a "memoriam" poem such as this I appreciate that you might wish to have one repeating word as the person's name though there is nothing against repeating something elsewhere in the line. Writing sestinas or perhaps sestinae is all about the choice of those six words.
If you have a moment look in my portfolio-books-Flat Packed Poetry- Chapter 4. To Write a Sestina and Chapter 5 another Example "Where's the Love".
Many of the commentaries suggest that these should be written in iambic pentameters but that is not an absolute requirement being a foreign form, so your free rhythmic approach is, in my opinion perfectly acceptable.
This is an excellent piece of work, with a difficulrt form.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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I wonder if you saw my "To Write a Sestina" in my boiok "Flat Packed Poetry". I think probably not because when I wrote it you were still away, because a major piece of advice I included there has not been followed.
The form is difficult and you are to be congratulated on having extricated yourself from the the trap into which you had fallen. Should you write another you might find it easier if you chose your six repeating words from a variety of different parts of speech rather than all nouns as here.
A "nouns only" approach tends towards a lack of enjambment which would come much more easily if you include verbs, prepositions, pronouns and conjunctions in your first stanza endings.
In a "memoriam" poem such as this I appreciate that you might wish to have one repeating word as the person's name though there is nothing against repeating something elsewhere in the line. Writing sestinas or perhaps sestinae is all about the choice of those six words.
If you have a moment look in my portfolio-books-Flat Packed Poetry- Chapter 4. To Write a Sestina and Chapter 5 another Example "Where's the Love".
Many of the commentaries suggest that these should be written in iambic pentameters but that is not an absolute requirement being a foreign form, so your free rhythmic approach is, in my opinion perfectly acceptable.
This is an excellent piece of work, with a difficulrt form.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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My friend,
I haven't read your book. It sounds as though I should. I adore using enjambment and the thought that I had only nouns in my list didn't even enter my mind. I just listed the first six that came to heart when I thought of my son. I use for all my form guidelines the site Shadowpoetry.com. Perhaps, in addition to your book, you might give me an idea of other good places to search for the mechanics?
You're correct, it's a very difficult form. I wish I could put my hands on another of the attempts I've made and get your feel for them.
As always, your kind review and important suggestions bear my deepest gratitude.
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I use Shadow too. The not all nouns idea is mine as it leads to more enjambment and a smoother poem.
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I use Shadow too. The not all nouns idea is mine as it leads to more enjambment and a smoother poem.
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I use Shadow too. The not all nouns idea is mine as it leads to more enjambment and a smoother poem.
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I use Shadow too. The not all nouns idea is mine as it leads to more enjambment and a smoother poem.
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I use Shadow too. The not all nouns idea is mine as it leads to more enjambment and a smoother poem.
-
I use Shadow too. The not all nouns idea is mine as it leads to more enjambment and a smoother poem.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was so sad but had a surge of hope that changed the poem into one that filled me with such emotion. I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know how I would feel if I lost mine. The people who supply these drugs to fill their bank accounts, should be ashamed, but they're not. I loved the way you wrote this, I can't comment on the Sistina as I nothing about them, but whatever it is, it really worked well for your words. Well done, it was lovely, and what a beautiful tribute to your son. :) Sandra x
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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This was so sad but had a surge of hope that changed the poem into one that filled me with such emotion. I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know how I would feel if I lost mine. The people who supply these drugs to fill their bank accounts, should be ashamed, but they're not. I loved the way you wrote this, I can't comment on the Sistina as I nothing about them, but whatever it is, it really worked well for your words. Well done, it was lovely, and what a beautiful tribute to your son. :) Sandra x
Comment Written 26-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2016
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Dear Sandra,
I go from feeling hopeless to gratitude to anger. I pray yours will remain safe. This is a club that NO ONE wants to join. He actually was using with his dealer that night. The dealer awoke, found Mickey dead, and grabbed my son's car keys. He didn't call 911 or alert the hotel staff, nada. When he was found, I received the information that Mick's last words were, "I have to be careful with this because I'm moving with with my Momma in the morning!"
What I don't say is, my son stopped at his grandma's (my mom) prior to purchasing the dope. Since my brother was living there at the time (the Inspector General who wrote the initial HRC email scandal report), my mother turned him away. She was afraid my brother could lose his job if Mick were to show up high while he was there. Who would have known? For a long time I blamed my mother for her grandson's death, but no longer. What is, is. She loved him like a son and was the one who had to deliver the news to me the next day.
I feel like I shall always be paying tribute to my son. Thanks for your support, my friend.
