The Not So Boring Accountant
The Not So Boring Accountant2 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
UPDATE:
The change you've made at the beginning makes a big difference--gets things started at a faster pace that continues throughout.
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As a character profile, this is interesting, with lots of background events to mould her character. It is very heavy with telling though (eg. you tell the reader she's "drop-dead gorgeous" rather than showing it via how people react to her)--don't know if that's an issue for the exercise it's for or not though--but it does make for quite a slow read.
Suggestions:
In many ways(,) she was not the accountant many expected when they graced her office.
enter Accountancy College, and graduated with a B.A. with honours.
--delete comma: the subject of the sentence after 'and' remains the opening 'she', so it's not needed.
Her ambitions were to be a pilot with the Royal Air Force.
--Change to 'ambition was' as there's only the one listed.
Every day(,) she threw herself wholeheartedly
one hundred thousand pounds(,) and Susanna
and a rigorous exercise programme.
--this doesn't flow well with the preceding list. Consider inserting a word (eg completed/endured) after 'and'
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2016
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UPDATE:
The change you've made at the beginning makes a big difference--gets things started at a faster pace that continues throughout.
---
As a character profile, this is interesting, with lots of background events to mould her character. It is very heavy with telling though (eg. you tell the reader she's "drop-dead gorgeous" rather than showing it via how people react to her)--don't know if that's an issue for the exercise it's for or not though--but it does make for quite a slow read.
Suggestions:
In many ways(,) she was not the accountant many expected when they graced her office.
enter Accountancy College, and graduated with a B.A. with honours.
--delete comma: the subject of the sentence after 'and' remains the opening 'she', so it's not needed.
Her ambitions were to be a pilot with the Royal Air Force.
--Change to 'ambition was' as there's only the one listed.
Every day(,) she threw herself wholeheartedly
one hundred thousand pounds(,) and Susanna
and a rigorous exercise programme.
--this doesn't flow well with the preceding list. Consider inserting a word (eg completed/endured) after 'and'
Comment Written 31-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2016
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Hi,
Thank you so much for reading and making such helpful comments. I have amended the story as you suggested and deleted one line which I thought was stereotyping.
Peter
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You're welcome. I've updated my review to reflect the changes made.
Comment from Heidi M
Your reverse stereotype begins with your title and carries on as Susanna's vigorous activities are described. The ending is sad and unexpected.
We'll done.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2016
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Your reverse stereotype begins with your title and carries on as Susanna's vigorous activities are described. The ending is sad and unexpected.
We'll done.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2016
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Heidi
Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to comment. I wanted a climatic ending and - though sad - that's what came to my imagination.
Peter