Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Sweet and tender. Well penned with smooth flow and fine phonetics with alliteration of F, B, L and S laced through nicely.

This image of being written forever on the pages of a memory book is a bit cliche but it is voiced with such sincerity one doesn't mind that. This, on the other hand, is a fresh and imaginative metaphor in this fine stanza (my favorite):

I learned love from you
I was a bobbing cork on a swirling sea
You are my rescue
my becoming


On a technical level, it would be optimal to make capitalization consistent. IN some lines you use lower case but in others not, even though there is enjambment from previous line. Thus I suggest these edits:

Gifts fade or break
B(b)ut the joy you bring
I(i)s written forever on the
pages of my memory book

I learned love from you
I was a bobbing cork on a swirling sea
You are my rescue
my becoming

Through our life:
G(g)rapes sour and sweet
Blessed am I, you drink
the wine of life with me

Good entry. Good luck.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 21-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Thanks for the tips. I will incorporate.

reply by rama devi on 21-Oct-2016

:-))

Comment from pharp

Excellent

Mystery Poet,

You have done an excellent job in expressing Gratitude in this beautifully penned poem honoring and giving tribute to your loving wife. Your words speaks volume. Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable read and I wish you the very best in the contest. Outstanding job my friend. Blessings.........Portia

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2016

Thanks so much for the read and the comments.

Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

This is a wonderful tribute to your life's companion. There are some really elegant lines in here that would give anyone great pleasure to receive.

While I enjoyed the imagery of the bobbing cork in the second stanza, my favourite was the whole of the final one.

"Through our life:
Grapes sour and sweet
Blessed am I, you drink
the wine of life with me"

That is true gratitude.

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thanks so much for the read and your comment.

Comment from Heather Knight

Excellent

Your poem is short and sweet. I love the image of the bobbing cork in a swirling sea, it's very creative.
Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 20-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thanks for the read and your comment.

Comment from Nika2016

Excellent

A very nice tribute to your
wife and friend wrapped
as gift ...The photo colors are nice and the words pleasing. I think she
will be pleased.
Nice writing.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thank you for the read and your comments.

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written gratitude poem for your wife. A wife will always support her husband in good and bad times. She deserves a little gratitude.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thanks for your review.

Comment from Susanjohn

Excellent

The wine of life with me???? AWWWWWW so sweet!! i love it all!! wonderful poem on gratitude!! sure hope you gave this to your wife!!!

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Not yet. Waiting for the right time.

Comment from Thomas Bowling

Excellent

For lo the many years ago I was a
Bobbing cork on a swirling sea

Very good imagery. I wrote a poem about being a passenger on a ship without a rudder.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Thanks for your review. Not good to go through life with out a rudder.

Comment from Max. Velocity

Good

The sentiment you show in this feels deep, loving and meaningful.

May I make suggestions for improvement?

"Gifts may fade or break
But the joy you bring
Is written forever in
pages Of my memory."

It cleans up the contradictions between written and seared, two different processes. You hinted at written, pages and memory book so allow that to flow instead......it's your wife.

Second verse uses thee and lo. Great if you have used this high-brow language from the start, or in a hymn; however I feel that its too much and a simple free verse of love should use the natural language you use in the first and third verse......that absolutely is working for you there.....

I learnt of love from you
I was a lost on a swirling sea
You are my rescue,
my becoming

Now the third verse, I like the notion of wine in marriage, it tastes better with age, so

Through our life:
Grapes sour and sweet
Blessed am I, you drink
the wine of life with me.

Now these are just ideas of what I would do to get to where you want to be. If we write about what we love then that is a big task best kept simple and free.

I sincerely hope I have caused no offense, that is not my intention. You write poems by habit so that is a gift. I just wanted to display a bit of a polishing process.

Don't stop writing......

Max.



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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016

Thanks very much for your suggestions. They are deeply appreciated, no offense taken.

reply by Max. Velocity on 19-Oct-2016

I'm delighted you've taken on board what I've said in the right spirit and am honored by the vote.....

Let me know when you edit so I can see result...

Max.

reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016

Edit done. Most not all.

Comment from BlueTiger

Excellent

Great job! This is a really touching poem, and it expresses a strong sense of gratitude and happiness. I like the symbolism of wine in the last verse.
One thing I might change is this:

For lo the many years ago I was a
Bobbing cork on a swirling sea

to this:

For lo the many years ago I was
A bobbing cork on a swirling sea

Moving the 'a' might make that rhyme flow a little better.
Good work!

 Comment Written 19-Oct-2016

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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016

Thank you for the read and the suggestion. I was told that it is better to not begin a line with an article but rather with an action word or a noun. Is your experience different?

reply by BlueTiger on 19-Oct-2016

I don't think that's a set rule, it really depends on the poem. I just suggested it here as I thought it would make for a better rhythm in that line. So again, just depends on the poem :)