Lunch with the Ladies
Woman is invited to lunch for obvious reasons.5 total reviews
Comment from alleewin
So funny. I would have given it a six but I don't have one.
Your story is well written. I can't see any errors and I can't think of anything that would improve it. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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So funny. I would have given it a six but I don't have one.
Your story is well written. I can't see any errors and I can't think of anything that would improve it. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2016
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Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Realist101
Yes! REAL flash. This is great Zee. You're a pro at these stories. Curt style. All the requirements. Love this and it will win! :D Suse
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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Yes! REAL flash. This is great Zee. You're a pro at these stories. Curt style. All the requirements. Love this and it will win! :D Suse
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2016
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Thanks a to. For the 6er. It was a fun write. Great challenge.
Comment from barkingdog
In talking about her family's demise I especially liked the succinctness of the part about Fred.('Fred fell into a dark place. Then, he fell into a bottle of whiskey. Then, he fell into Chicago River.') Swift and to the point.
To walk out on Darlene must have felt wonderful.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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In talking about her family's demise I especially liked the succinctness of the part about Fred.('Fred fell into a dark place. Then, he fell into a bottle of whiskey. Then, he fell into Chicago River.') Swift and to the point.
To walk out on Darlene must have felt wonderful.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thanks for the review. It was a fun write with my morning coffee.
Comment from Heidi M
You did well setting the scene for your story. You gave enough information into her background so that we understood the situation she came from, and we understood her annoyance at being used since winning the lottery.
This was my favorite part: "Fred fell into a dark place. Then, he fell into a bottle of whiskey. Then, he fell into Chicago River." Cleverly written!
Nice entry for the flash fiction contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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You did well setting the scene for your story. You gave enough information into her background so that we understood the situation she came from, and we understood her annoyance at being used since winning the lottery.
This was my favorite part: "Fred fell into a dark place. Then, he fell into a bottle of whiskey. Then, he fell into Chicago River." Cleverly written!
Nice entry for the flash fiction contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thanks much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I was believable. - I don't think you mean you were believable. I think you meant your words were. If so, this would be a better wording: It [i.e. the lie that the paragraph references] was believable.
"Oh, my dear, of course you were," Audrey gushed - Gushed? I'm from the school: if in doubt use said.
It started off innocently enough. A simple luncheon: stale finger-sandwiches, an array of aged cheese doodles, and cucumber slices floating in imported toilet water. - I like how you shift timelines with the fifth paragraph. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue the reader and maintain the pace of the prose.
Okay, I lied about the toilet water. - You are issuing a lot of lies. I get the feeling of foreshadowing. I'm a great fan of foreshadowing. It's a neat technique to use :-)
Now we were getting down to the nitty gritty - A bit of a cliche :-(
Winning the biggest lottery in Illinois history put me on the A list. Apparently $450 million dollars was an eye-opener in some circles. - Lovely! You keep this snippet of information from the reader until the middle of the piece. That's good crafting; you should always look to unfold the plot gradually.
Fred fell into a dark place. Then, he fell into a bottle of whiskey. Then, he fell into Chicago River. - Lovely. Short sharp sentences that pack a punch :-)
I took the elevator down to the lobby and hailed a cab. I don't own a car. But it sounded good, believable. - A nice twist, but as soon as the "lottery win" was revealed I could see the reason behind all the foreshadowing. Perhaps I read too many flash fiction pieces.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have a nice flowing writer's voice. There were a couple of gentle amusing aside. I enjoyed reading it. Well done and good luck with the competition.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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I was believable. - I don't think you mean you were believable. I think you meant your words were. If so, this would be a better wording: It [i.e. the lie that the paragraph references] was believable.
"Oh, my dear, of course you were," Audrey gushed - Gushed? I'm from the school: if in doubt use said.
It started off innocently enough. A simple luncheon: stale finger-sandwiches, an array of aged cheese doodles, and cucumber slices floating in imported toilet water. - I like how you shift timelines with the fifth paragraph. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue the reader and maintain the pace of the prose.
Okay, I lied about the toilet water. - You are issuing a lot of lies. I get the feeling of foreshadowing. I'm a great fan of foreshadowing. It's a neat technique to use :-)
Now we were getting down to the nitty gritty - A bit of a cliche :-(
Winning the biggest lottery in Illinois history put me on the A list. Apparently $450 million dollars was an eye-opener in some circles. - Lovely! You keep this snippet of information from the reader until the middle of the piece. That's good crafting; you should always look to unfold the plot gradually.
Fred fell into a dark place. Then, he fell into a bottle of whiskey. Then, he fell into Chicago River. - Lovely. Short sharp sentences that pack a punch :-)
I took the elevator down to the lobby and hailed a cab. I don't own a car. But it sounded good, believable. - A nice twist, but as soon as the "lottery win" was revealed I could see the reason behind all the foreshadowing. Perhaps I read too many flash fiction pieces.
Overall:
This is an easy to read piece. You have a nice flowing writer's voice. There were a couple of gentle amusing aside. I enjoyed reading it. Well done and good luck with the competition.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to include your suggestions. I appreciate it.
