one night stand
a contest entry7 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Your write well, and I enjoyed reading your story. I'm concerned with the short length of your story is voter's opinions, but it's sure long enough to get your point across and entertain me. Great job, and good luck in the contest. :-)
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2016
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Your write well, and I enjoyed reading your story. I'm concerned with the short length of your story is voter's opinions, but it's sure long enough to get your point across and entertain me. Great job, and good luck in the contest. :-)
Comment Written 30-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2016
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Thanks for the review. The prompt called for a 'scene.' Maybe I misunderstood,...like I do. hah I appreciate you reading it though, cheers, j
Comment from country ranch writer
that's a fine kettle of fish to find she had slept with a rapist now how does she feel about him and what is she going to do she better do it before he gets up
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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that's a fine kettle of fish to find she had slept with a rapist now how does she feel about him and what is she going to do she better do it before he gets up
Comment Written 25-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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Ha ha, be careful girls because you never know. Thanks for the review, cheers, j
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LOL
Comment from mvbrooks
Wow--that is definitely a surprising ending and the lead-up to it is not obvious. Creative and sure to prove a strong entry in this contest.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Wow--that is definitely a surprising ending and the lead-up to it is not obvious. Creative and sure to prove a strong entry in this contest.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Thanks for the encouraging review. I am trying to get into writing more prose, cheers j
Comment from Alex Rosel
Your first paragraph sets the scene. Your second, builds on that foundation. This is good crafting.
As she slipped out from under his arm, he whispered that a nice massage was waiting for her when she came back up. - Clearly foreshadowing. I'm a great fan of this technique, but I'm not sure it works here. Perhaps I read too many flash fiction stories, but this sentence signals loud and clear the impending twist.
As for your twist, yes I did guess it. Sorry.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this. You've avoided an excess of adverbs and adjectives, and have a pleasant style for this form. Good luck with the competition.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Your first paragraph sets the scene. Your second, builds on that foundation. This is good crafting.
As she slipped out from under his arm, he whispered that a nice massage was waiting for her when she came back up. - Clearly foreshadowing. I'm a great fan of this technique, but I'm not sure it works here. Perhaps I read too many flash fiction stories, but this sentence signals loud and clear the impending twist.
As for your twist, yes I did guess it. Sorry.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this. You've avoided an excess of adverbs and adjectives, and have a pleasant style for this form. Good luck with the competition.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Thanks for the review, I am practising my prose now, cheers j
Comment from humpwhistle
Fine execution of the twist. But I think you might have
sacrificed a good story for a rush to the punch line.
Just one man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
At the new club last night, she met a handsome guy that had swept her off her feet. She was not the kind of girl that had one night stands, but she could not resist his charms. --This paragraph insinuates a great story. But, because you 'tell' it instead of 'showing' it, you missing an opportunity.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Fine execution of the twist. But I think you might have
sacrificed a good story for a rush to the punch line.
Just one man's opinion.
Peace, Lee
At the new club last night, she met a handsome guy that had swept her off her feet. She was not the kind of girl that had one night stands, but she could not resist his charms. --This paragraph insinuates a great story. But, because you 'tell' it instead of 'showing' it, you missing an opportunity.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Thanks for the insightful review, I just can't seem to get that tell and show, I will research that today, cheers,j
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Well that would certainly put a dampener on anyone's morning. Although the guy, of course, could just be a nice lad.
Well written little piece
idlely - idly.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Hi there,
Well that would certainly put a dampener on anyone's morning. Although the guy, of course, could just be a nice lad.
Well written little piece
idlely - idly.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Oh yeah, I forgot to write that her lover's picture was on the front page.I changed that. Thanks for the review, cheers, j
Comment from RodG
What appears to be a straight-forward tale of a girl seduced by charm turns sharply into a thriller by the last line of your story. What makes this story work so well is that it makes the reader wonder what will happen next.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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What appears to be a straight-forward tale of a girl seduced by charm turns sharply into a thriller by the last line of your story. What makes this story work so well is that it makes the reader wonder what will happen next.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Thanks for the review, I forgot to write that her lover's photo was om the front page, cheers, j
