Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

That was hilarious! I loved that she got her own back, but what a clever idea her family came up with to get her to join the family business!! LOL This was a wonderful contest entry, and I'm surprised you didn't win. Well done! :)) Sandra xx

 Comment Written 06-May-2022

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reply by the author on 06-May-2022

I blame it on my using too heavy a dialect for Jake.

reply by Sandra Stoner-Mitchell on 06-May-2022

I like the use of dialect, I use it a lot my self. But you are always going to get those who don't like it. I think it enriches the story.

Comment from aryr

Excellent

Wow what a great story. It was loaded with suspense and cruesomeness (if that is a word lol). The dialogue was very appropriate and was extremely descriptive. Mavis was quite a character as were her uncles and of course Jake. It was well plotted and kept one's interest to the end. Great job, good writing, good reading, thank you.

 Comment Written 05-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 05-Jul-2016

Thank you, aryr, for the terrific review for the story. I did take some time to wrap it around trying to make a deeper story. I'm so happy you liked it. Bill

reply by aryr on 06-Jul-2016

You are so very welcome Bill.

Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

Wow! Way to train a killer. Dialect a little challenging, but reading it aloud helped.
This piece reminded her of her victory over her abuser.--this line skillfully erases any pity for the victim.

Classic lines:
"Sumbitch had pins in both arms, and a metal shaft in his leg. Prob'bly need to get the blades sharpened again

I got fifty cents off a gallon at that Walmart on the south side."

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thank you, Shari, for the excellent review and telling me what worked for you. Bill

Comment from Sis Cat

Excellent

A surprising and shockingly violent story about nefarious characters. You captivated me with your dialogue, especially the dialect.

Something is missing here. The scene jumps suddenly to the shooting without a transition. I said, "Huh? How did I get here?"

"Dinna thin sa," he said, still smiling. He began reaching for the gun when she shot him once in the groin. He collapsed to the floor, incapable of even screaming.


Otherwise, this was a gripping post. Thank you for sharing and I wish you success in the contest.

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thanks for giving this a look. I see how this may seem to rush into Jake being shot. I had hoped his vileness and the confidence angle would explain this. Happy day.

Comment from cupa tea

Excellent

Nice job...it flowed well...had seeming to be real characters in the story and was easy to follow and understand...Good luck in the contest...

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thank you, ct, for the review. Bill

Comment from teols2016

Excellent

Taking it to the4e extreme...good job. I like how even the relationship was part of a broader scheme. It's layers like this that make these stories work. Well done.

 Comment Written 04-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Jul-2016

Thank you, teols, for reviewing this. Bill

Comment from c_lucas

Excellent

A groin shot will keep the victim from running away. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016

Thank you, Charlie, for the excellent review. Bill

Comment from GWHARGIS

Excellent

Well, geez, she sure got her revenge. I loved how you wrote the Cajun accent. It took me a couple of tries to figure out what Jake was saying but that's what made it a good story. Good way to pull all loose ends together. Great job. Gretchen

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016

Thank you, Gretchen, for the positive review. Bill

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Mavis is not the kind of woman that I would EVER care to become involved with. Of course, I CAN think of many times, and on more than one occasion, where her family's unique connections could have conceivably come in quite handy.
But, damn...she shot poor Jake in the crotch--not just once, but twice?!? One shot with a .38 would have been sufficient, I think. Jake wouldn't have been going too far too fast anytime soon. That much I DO know for sure.
Very well written story, Bill. The characters of Mavis as well as Jake were clearly well defined.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
~Dean

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016

Thank you, Dean, for the nice review. I like how the story wrapped around. It surprised me how it worked out. Bill

reply by Dean Kuch on 03-Jul-2016

My pleasure, Bill.
Thanks for the entertainment.
~Dean

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Good story overall...enjoyable read. Only one problem. A skull doesn't burn away. Bones don't even burn completely in a super-hot cremation. The pieces that are left are ground up with the ashes. You cannot destroy a body by burning. Bones or fragments will always be found.

 Comment Written 03-Jul-2016

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016

That must be why Mavis was eventually arrested and thrown in jail. That would have been a nice Alfred Hitchcock epilogue to let the reader know that crime doesn't pay. I kind of knew that was true, but also remember reading the opposite somewhere. The 'burned to powder' scenario worked with my 'piece on the mantle' scene. I'll make sure the next guy goes through a wood chipper and into the swamp. Thank you, Phyllis, for investigating this. 😬

reply by Phyllis Stewart on 03-Jul-2016

LOL! I can't wait to read the woodchipper/swamp story. Sounds like fun! LOL!