A Secret to Keep
Sometimes it takes time to realize happiness5 total reviews
Comment from MTF1955
very interesting story. At first in the third part I was a little lost but then I realized in was Felma's funeral. Perhaps: It was a hot June morning when they laid Felma to rest. Nice job. Mary
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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very interesting story. At first in the third part I was a little lost but then I realized in was Felma's funeral. Perhaps: It was a hot June morning when they laid Felma to rest. Nice job. Mary
Comment Written 23-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Mary, for reading my work. I'm sorry you stumbled a tad on the transition to the funeral. I need to work on
that some more. Others have done the same...
Comment from lfemine
I wish I could give you a 6 but I'm all tapped out. What beautiful writing. A lovely and tragic story that turned out well thru the power of Sam's true love. You captured the atmosphere of that era so well. I enjoy how you described your characters. Really well done.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I wish I could give you a 6 but I'm all tapped out. What beautiful writing. A lovely and tragic story that turned out well thru the power of Sam's true love. You captured the atmosphere of that era so well. I enjoy how you described your characters. Really well done.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for your kind review. Yes, I love the 1920's through 40's era.
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Me too :)
Comment from Zue65
I enjoyed reading your story and you followed strictly the contest requirements rules. The characters, the setting, the scenes, the conflict and the resolution of the conflict, all gelled perfectly to produce a well-knit story. The writer is definitely skilled in the art of story telling.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed reading your story and you followed strictly the contest requirements rules. The characters, the setting, the scenes, the conflict and the resolution of the conflict, all gelled perfectly to produce a well-knit story. The writer is definitely skilled in the art of story telling.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you for the kind comments on my work. I am glad you enjoyed my work.
Comment from barkingdog
Sam rescued the pregnant Velma and keeping her secret, he gave her a happy life. A life that she didn't think she wanted, but was the best for her in the long run.
Fine story.
In your fourth paragraph, I got a little confused with which 'she' you were referring to.
I suggest that you reverse these two sentences: Her secret she would take to her grave. Claire would never know about that night
and start a new paragraph with 'Clair would never know about that night. Felma would take her secret to the grave. etc.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Sam rescued the pregnant Velma and keeping her secret, he gave her a happy life. A life that she didn't think she wanted, but was the best for her in the long run.
Fine story.
In your fourth paragraph, I got a little confused with which 'she' you were referring to.
I suggest that you reverse these two sentences: Her secret she would take to her grave. Claire would never know about that night
and start a new paragraph with 'Clair would never know about that night. Felma would take her secret to the grave. etc.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for your input regarding my story. Yes, you are definitely right. I needed to change the sequence
of some of the sentences. I think it makes more sense now.
Thanks
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I'm a big one for having to do this very thing. haha
:) e
Comment from mfowler
This is a potentially very clever story with an emotional kick in the revelation of who Sam Jr really was, at Thelma's burial. But, because you time shift in the third paragraph, and then again in the third last paragraph, I found the plot confusing until I reread it. With flash fiction and in competitions, you don't want to have readers going,'What happened there?', or they'll pass over the work. I'm bothering to say this as the idea and most of the writing are excellent. Your characterisations are believable. The back story very interesting. My suggestion would be to use a simple divider system eg *** when you switch time frames. I'd save present tense for the funeral. The opening sequence is in present tense but shifts to past as you revealed what happened with Sam. You may need to rethink just how that reads. But, it is important that you bring the funeral into the present. I hope that doesn't confuse too much, but I want you to do well. I have one suggestion re the text:
into her car and sped out of the/
gravel driveway. ...Backspace 'gravel' to the previous line. It's skipped and left half the line exposed.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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This is a potentially very clever story with an emotional kick in the revelation of who Sam Jr really was, at Thelma's burial. But, because you time shift in the third paragraph, and then again in the third last paragraph, I found the plot confusing until I reread it. With flash fiction and in competitions, you don't want to have readers going,'What happened there?', or they'll pass over the work. I'm bothering to say this as the idea and most of the writing are excellent. Your characterisations are believable. The back story very interesting. My suggestion would be to use a simple divider system eg *** when you switch time frames. I'd save present tense for the funeral. The opening sequence is in present tense but shifts to past as you revealed what happened with Sam. You may need to rethink just how that reads. But, it is important that you bring the funeral into the present. I hope that doesn't confuse too much, but I want you to do well. I have one suggestion re the text:
into her car and sped out of the/
gravel driveway. ...Backspace 'gravel' to the previous line. It's skipped and left half the line exposed.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for reviewing my work. I think your suggestions are right on point. I have made some changes.
Again thanks.
