Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Hecticity"All chapters
6 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Bill. The title of this piece is clever, "Hecticity." I like it, catchy. Do you live in California? (Jacaranda trees). Love them, so gorgeous. Your short piece is well done, clearly expressed. I'm glad you are continuing with "Russ." Should be interesting to read along. Marilyn
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
  |
Hi Bill. The title of this piece is clever, "Hecticity." I like it, catchy. Do you live in California? (Jacaranda trees). Love them, so gorgeous. Your short piece is well done, clearly expressed. I'm glad you are continuing with "Russ." Should be interesting to read along. Marilyn
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
-
Marilyn
Thanks for reviewing.
I'm really glad you liked, 'Hecticity,' The word, was situated almost dead center of this chapter. I might pick out titles that way in the future.
Thanks for the compliments and high rating.
I'm still here in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. I'd like to visit L. A. someday and do some research. You made me glad I picked the jacarandas trees for this novel.
Thanks for staying with me.
Marv
-
Hi Bill. When I write a poem, many times I don't name it until it's completed. The title of the piece becomes apparent when I re-read it. So picking "Hecticity" as a title when you re-read it is exactly how I like to do it, too. Marilyn
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello Marvin,
This prologue has its humorous moments, but it's quite rough from first to last. Also, I haven't been following this novel, but this doesn't sound like a prologue.
Here's a
target="_blank">Writer's Digest article, When to Use a Prologue.
Your opening paragraph:
On the way back to my apartment, I decided to treat myself to the scenic route by getting on Begonia Boulevard and heading east. There I could admire the late-blooming, blue Jacarandas trees, decorating the median strip.
Should be written like this:
On the way back to my apartment I decided to treat myself to the scenic route by getting on Begonia Boulevard and heading east. There I could admire the late-blooming blue jacaranda trees decorating the median strip.
That's what you wrote, with the SPAG edited out.
Here's how I would have written it.
On the way back to my apartment I decided to treat myself to the scenic route. I jumped onto Begonia Boulevard and headed east. There, I could admire late-blooming blue jacaranda trees which dotted the median strip.
I changed a word here and there, but it's essentially what you wrote.
Sightseeing is one word.
When the trees dwindled down to a precious few, I made two consecutive right turns to get on Claymont Avenue. Here, the ride got much quieter.
When the trees dwindled to a precious few I made two consecutive right turns to get onto Claymont Avenue. Traffic was lighter here and the ride got much quieter.
Simpler is better, Marvin. Keep your sentences simple and sensical. Vary sentence length. When in doubt, Google it.
The sentence about the homeless guy with the Duck Dynasty beard is great, but it's a run-on. "Was" in your last sentence should be 'were' or you could say--
Papers and miscellaneous junk from the passenger seat now littered the floor...
There are two BIG problems with writing containing SPAG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar issues,) and they are:
1) Editors toss these manuscripts aside immediately.
2) Readers miss out on some of your best stuff, because they must mentally "edit" as they go. That consumes a lot of mental energy.
That's why a thorough edit is so vital.
Remember: This is one opinion--take or shake.
I wish you much success, and I mean that.
Write on,
Lana
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
 |
Hello Marvin,
This prologue has its humorous moments, but it's quite rough from first to last. Also, I haven't been following this novel, but this doesn't sound like a prologue.
Here's a
target="_blank">Writer's Digest article, When to Use a Prologue.
Your opening paragraph:
On the way back to my apartment, I decided to treat myself to the scenic route by getting on Begonia Boulevard and heading east. There I could admire the late-blooming, blue Jacarandas trees, decorating the median strip.
Should be written like this:
On the way back to my apartment I decided to treat myself to the scenic route by getting on Begonia Boulevard and heading east. There I could admire the late-blooming blue jacaranda trees decorating the median strip.
That's what you wrote, with the SPAG edited out.
Here's how I would have written it.
On the way back to my apartment I decided to treat myself to the scenic route. I jumped onto Begonia Boulevard and headed east. There, I could admire late-blooming blue jacaranda trees which dotted the median strip.
I changed a word here and there, but it's essentially what you wrote.
Sightseeing is one word.
When the trees dwindled down to a precious few, I made two consecutive right turns to get on Claymont Avenue. Here, the ride got much quieter.
When the trees dwindled to a precious few I made two consecutive right turns to get onto Claymont Avenue. Traffic was lighter here and the ride got much quieter.
Simpler is better, Marvin. Keep your sentences simple and sensical. Vary sentence length. When in doubt, Google it.
The sentence about the homeless guy with the Duck Dynasty beard is great, but it's a run-on. "Was" in your last sentence should be 'were' or you could say--
Papers and miscellaneous junk from the passenger seat now littered the floor...
There are two BIG problems with writing containing SPAG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar issues,) and they are:
1) Editors toss these manuscripts aside immediately.
2) Readers miss out on some of your best stuff, because they must mentally "edit" as they go. That consumes a lot of mental energy.
That's why a thorough edit is so vital.
Remember: This is one opinion--take or shake.
I wish you much success, and I mean that.
Write on,
Lana
Comment Written 15-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
-
Lana
I'm sorry that I can not reply to your generous and thorough review at this time. I look forward to that pleasant task this Sunday.
Marv
P. S. I don't know why 'prologue' appeared. This is Chapter 34, Part I, not a prologue.
Comment from heat_mac
I like where this is going...I found word choice was clear and descriptive: "conglomeration of cardboard" was my favourite phrase!
I wonder if we will get to meet Yolanda in the future parts, or find out why the last ten days were so hectic...? You've left me wanting more, so, well done!
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
|
I like where this is going...I found word choice was clear and descriptive: "conglomeration of cardboard" was my favourite phrase!
I wonder if we will get to meet Yolanda in the future parts, or find out why the last ten days were so hectic...? You've left me wanting more, so, well done!
Comment Written 15-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2016
-
Thanks for reviewing Part I of chapter 34. Thanks for the high rating.
I'd love to hear your comments on where this story has been. I now know why you liked, "conglomeration of cardboard."
If you have time, you could meet Yolanda at her introduction in Chapter 4.
The novel began on the first day of summer, ten days ago and it's been hectic. You'll have more, this Sunday, if things go according to plan.
Thank you very much for all the compliments.
Marv
-
Oh my goodness, I didn't even notice that it's a chapter of a larger piece already posted! Thanks for letting me know, I look forward to reading more!
Comment from Jay Squires
Entertaining opening to your story, Marv. Good, leisurely character development--another one of your self-deprecating characters.
A few things to consider:
When the trees dwindled down to a precious few, [set my feet to tapping and my mouth to humming "September Song".]
I was able to observe the front entrance to the three story building [ THREE-STORY building ...]
Since I rarely use the front entrance, this is the first time [... this WAS the first time ...]
Love your use of "hecticity".
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
|
Entertaining opening to your story, Marv. Good, leisurely character development--another one of your self-deprecating characters.
A few things to consider:
When the trees dwindled down to a precious few, [set my feet to tapping and my mouth to humming "September Song".]
I was able to observe the front entrance to the three story building [ THREE-STORY building ...]
Since I rarely use the front entrance, this is the first time [... this WAS the first time ...]
Love your use of "hecticity".
Comment Written 14-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
-
A very pleasing review from Jay, a sure sign my life has returned to normal. Thank you.
I hoped I had the words to the song correct, since I didn't bother to verify them.
I corrected the mistakes right after you pointed them out. (another gem of your advice)
I took a chance with "hecticity" and you approved of it. That's all that counts.
Thanks for a great rating.
Marv
P. S. Entertaining is a nice word to hear.
Comment from Stephanie Kastner
This is good. I like the description of how other drivers are flashing rude gestures and honking the horn at his driving, and I could imagine the squirrel darti g under his tire. I have a feeling we will learn more about his less fortunate neighbor. Good job sparking my interest.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
|
This is good. I like the description of how other drivers are flashing rude gestures and honking the horn at his driving, and I could imagine the squirrel darti g under his tire. I have a feeling we will learn more about his less fortunate neighbor. Good job sparking my interest.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
-
Stephanie
Thanks for reviewing Part I of chapter 34. I'm glad you like the description of the other drivers.
This may be the last time we hear about Russ's less fortunate neighbor but I think the squirrel will have a cameo in my next novel.
I hope to continue sparking your interest.
Thanks for the many stars.
Marv
Comment from foxangie123
I could so relate to your writing here. People have become down right grouchy haven't they. If they smile it as if their face will fall off. Lol. This is excellent Marvin....
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
|
I could so relate to your writing here. People have become down right grouchy haven't they. If they smile it as if their face will fall off. Lol. This is excellent Marvin....
Comment Written 14-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
-
Thanks for reviewing Part I of chapter 34.
I'm glad you could relate to this. Thanks for the compliment. I hope you'll look for part II.
Marv