Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "The Continuation of Charles' Story"All chapters
4 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
Although I don't quite get the premise of what's going on here, I can tell that it is written well with good punctuation and is grammatically correct. Marilyn
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Although I don't quite get the premise of what's going on here, I can tell that it is written well with good punctuation and is grammatically correct. Marilyn
Comment Written 15-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Thank you. The fact that you read it is enough for me.
Marv
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Hi Bill. I think there is another one in my mailbox which I haven't read as yet. I'm playing catch up after not being on FS for a few days. Things are a little hectic right now. Will get to it, though. :) Marilyn
Comment from Jay Squires
Excellent chapter, Marv. I didn't get lost in jargon as I had in the past. I would still like to see a tad more description if only to give the reader a sense of place. The difference is between radio and tv or movies, but even in the old time radio dramas or comedies, there were the sound effects, or one character or another describing something that was happening, that kept the listener glued to the radio. Think of Orson Welles "Martian Invasion." So I would still try to insert a little description. But still and all, this was a very good chapter.
Charles continued his recitation into the hand held mic of the recorder. [Nothing wrong with this sentence, but I thought I'd let you know what I try to do in all my writing whenever I come across "of the". I put "of the" in the "find/replace function of Word". When one comes up I try to turn the sentence around to avoid it. Usually I can and it makes for a tighter line. In your case it changes to "...into the RECORDER'S hand-held (which should be hyphenated in either case) mic." It makes the sentence more active and direct. Anyway, just a thought.]
I topped off my coffee and gulped down half a cup. [I like this line! Just adding the "I topped off my coffee" first adds to its effectiveness.]
I can't be sure what it's saying. it jars me with a shout, ["it" starts with a CAP.]
I've neither heard nor seen him so excited. [I'D ? neither heard nor seen ...]
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Excellent chapter, Marv. I didn't get lost in jargon as I had in the past. I would still like to see a tad more description if only to give the reader a sense of place. The difference is between radio and tv or movies, but even in the old time radio dramas or comedies, there were the sound effects, or one character or another describing something that was happening, that kept the listener glued to the radio. Think of Orson Welles "Martian Invasion." So I would still try to insert a little description. But still and all, this was a very good chapter.
Charles continued his recitation into the hand held mic of the recorder. [Nothing wrong with this sentence, but I thought I'd let you know what I try to do in all my writing whenever I come across "of the". I put "of the" in the "find/replace function of Word". When one comes up I try to turn the sentence around to avoid it. Usually I can and it makes for a tighter line. In your case it changes to "...into the RECORDER'S hand-held (which should be hyphenated in either case) mic." It makes the sentence more active and direct. Anyway, just a thought.]
I topped off my coffee and gulped down half a cup. [I like this line! Just adding the "I topped off my coffee" first adds to its effectiveness.]
I can't be sure what it's saying. it jars me with a shout, ["it" starts with a CAP.]
I've neither heard nor seen him so excited. [I'D ? neither heard nor seen ...]
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2016
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Jay
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to review this chapter, especially knowing how busy you are.
I should write 'MORE DESCRIPTION' in large letters on my office wall. I like old time radio and I notice how description is inserted. Some times it's humorous, the way the characters express it.
-I'd- versus -I've-, I think I've made this mistake before.
?Martian Invasion? was brilliant, as was Orson Welles.
I totally agree with your remarks concerning, 'of the.'
I was happy with this phrase: "I topped off my coffee . . ." Glad you liked it.
Thank you for the high rating.
Marv
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You are more than welcome. Your posts are among those here I look forward to seeing.
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Jay
I can't thank you enough for taking the time to review this chapter, especially knowing how busy you are.
I should write 'MORE DESCRIPTION' in large letters on my office wall. I like old time radio and I notice how description is inserted. Some times it's humorous, the way the characters express it.
-I'd- versus -I've-, I think I've made this mistake before.
?Martian Invasion? was brilliant, as was Orson Welles.
I totally agree with your remarks about 'of the.'
I was happy with this phrase: "I topped off my coffee . . ." Glad you liked it.
Thank you for the high rating.
Marv
Comment from foxangie123
I felt a bit lost and it is probably beginning in the middle instead of the very beginning of your story. I found no errors at all. Keep it up...
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2016
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I felt a bit lost and it is probably beginning in the middle instead of the very beginning of your story. I found no errors at all. Keep it up...
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2016
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Thanks for reviewing this chapter.
Charles has been going on and on about his gambling which leads up to a loophole that he thought Russ's story was about.
Glad there were no errors. That's what I'd like to be able to keep doing.
Comment from Stephanie Kastner
You've enticed me. Wonder what the loophole is. I felt you kept the reader's attention well with your writing style.
I noticed one spag:
(It) jars me with a shout...
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2016
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You've enticed me. Wonder what the loophole is. I felt you kept the reader's attention well with your writing style.
I noticed one spag:
(It) jars me with a shout...
Comment Written 10-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2016
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Thanks for reviewing this chapter.
I like to entice readers. When you find out what the loophole is, I hope you won't be disappointed. Thanks for pointing out the spag.
Marv
