Comment from --Turtle.

Excellent

Hi, Craig...

I'm not so good with sonnets, but I read your challenge post, just couldn't formulate many useful thoughts, so forgive me that.

The keeper snapped and flew into a rage
His anger clearly brought the man undone
(Wasn't sure if his and the man are linked here. or if the keeper's anger made a second man come undone?)


The lions ate four tourists on the way
(gruesome, and believable. A little awkward, but like I said, I struggle with the sonnet form a bit.)


Though, I thought of how this kind of did happen... with a tiger. In 2007, a teen was reported as taunting the lions, and a tiger escaped and killed him and was attacking others when police did come and shoot it. So I wasn't sure if this was inspired by that event, or if there was another event that this kind of thing happened or if it's just the expected outcome of when someone goes about releasing the animals, and of course people killing the animals, (in 2007, I wasn't sure why there wasn't a team of zoo people shooting tranquilizers before the police even arrived, tho.

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2016

Unfortunately, it happens a lot more than it should. Of course, whether wild animals should be locked up in zoos is another argument altogether. Here, it's usually swimmers or surfers who get eaten, and then there is a knee-jerk reaction to go out and kill every shark they can find; although thankfully there are more and more people (including surviving attack victims) who understand that if we want to play in their back yard, we take our chances.

Thanks for the kind review, your encouragement and advice is always appreciated :)

Craig

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Wow. For a first-ever attempt, this was mighty creative and fun! But you big meanie! You killed all the critters!

*smile*

Nah, I'm okay with that. Cat ate hers so I guess it's all relative. hahahaha

Fun stuff!

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Thanks Robyn, it certainly was a fun contest. I hope to have a go whenever it's up there :)

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

Aww, it was as sad as mine! LOL, that was really good for your first ever sonnet. I am not a good sonnet writer, I don't do enough of them, but this one was a fun read, even though it was a sad ending. I thought the animals were going to eat all the seals, navy and army personnel, lol! Well done! :) Sandra xxx

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Hmmmm, now there's a thought - "Alternate Ending #1" - I think I like that version better!

Thanks, Sandra. Your kind words are much appreciated. Craig.

Comment from lightink

Excellent

No way! This is your first sonnet ever? Wow! You like deep water! First sonnet in an hour! Impressive!
You seemed to be in a bloodthirsty mood - I guess that's what the time pressure does to people! Haha! It was an entertaining piece!
The only thing I'd suggest for future sonnets is a bit more pronounced turn.
Usually , the third stanza changes direction - bringing in a different tone...
Everything else looks pretty good! I enjoyed the raw brutality!

Good job in keeping it under an hour!
Apparently, I was the only one who completed the challenge a bit over an hour...

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Writing was a fair bit under that, it was probably 15 or 20 minutes trying to find a picture and other mucking around...

I had fun with this, it wasn't right as first posted, I've fixed a couple of lines once the time pressure passed lol

Thanks for the great comments and the good tip about the volta , much appreciated :)

Craig.

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Haaaaaa, oh I love this sonnet, Craig. The lion eating tourists is a blast. and the zany friendships developing is just as funny as can be.

Haaaaaaaa and calling out the national guard for a state of emergency is just brilliant.

For your first sonnet my dear this is just amazing. You really do like to challenge yourself don't you and I like it.

Super, super job with this.

Gloria

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Thanks so much, Gloria, this was heaps of fun! I also enjoyed reading all the amazingly different approaches. Muchos gracias to you and Mikey for coming up with the idea, looking forward to hopefully doing it again :)

Craig

Comment from michaelcahill

Excellent

HAHAH!!!!! This was brutal. Now way this is your first sonnet. You write your first sonnet in a time limit challenge. You are rivaling me for most insane here.
This is a scream. I love how quickly it escalates into a "shock and awe" situation with the usual results, devastation. Great work.
Next week we hope to have a plan to know who entered so we can all review each other. I let Gloria know you have an entry and posted in general that you did. I know, I'll make a list of the ones I know in general if you want to check them out. It's a trip, they are all different. mikey

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Well, I kind of fluffed the last two lines in my first attempt - Cat said something about "female endings" - well, I've always preferred them to male endings - not that there's anything wrong with that! But with her help I think it's better now lol

I'll definitely play again if I can - I gather from Tony and others posting the timing was right - I wasn't sure.

This was fun, I'm looking forward to checking out the other entries :)

Many thanks Mikey.
Craig

reply by michaelcahill on 06-Mar-2016

Delighted you joined in. We laughed when we realized we had no mechanism to know who entered. :)) Hey we're poets not ah BRAINS!

Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

I had a good laugh at this one. You and Cat should get together for a visit to the San Diego Zoo - not! LOL
Loved the Navy Seals being brought in!
That second stanza, starting off with the two pachyderm(s), flowed beautifully, both on terms of rhythm and humour.

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Thanks so much, you're very kind. I enjoyed this, I'm going to try again next week if I can. Now to see what others have been up to!

Comment from kiwisteveh

Excellent

Perhaps the solution to the deadline challenge was to go for humour - and that you've successfully managed to do.

The sonnet form looks darn good for a first attempt. The iamoc is a bit wobbly in line 5, but the rest is excellent and flows really well.

Some good chuckles here, and then you hit us with that deadly serious final line.

Good luck in the challenge.

Steve

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Thanks Steve :)

It's rough, but I was a bit rushed, trying to figure out the form at the same time as getting it written - and not totally successful. Now I can take my time and try to get it right lol

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

Haha, true 'dat, Craig. No man nor beast.
Vehicle notwithstanding, and as far as my limited expertise as they pertain to sonnet writing goes, I felt this was a funny, very well rhymed sonnet. The iambic pentameter seemed spot on to my ear as I read it aloud, and although the volta in your ninth line was rather vague, I felt it still worked well.

For the time you were allotted to complete this, I'd say you did a sensational job.

Good stuff!
~Dean

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Thanks Dean, you were very kind :) It was rough, but ok I think for a rushed first attempt. I think I could actually go for this form, so I'll have a go at trying to improve it now the clock's not ticking lol

reply by Anonymous Member on 09-Mar-2016

You're welcome, Craig, anytime.
~Dean :)

Comment from I am Cat

Excellent

LOL, yeah, I can tell that you, of all people were a bit pressed for time. I actually thought about you when I wrote mine, because, I too, was forced into killing mine, but at least I ate them and didn't waste the meat. LOL
yikes. :(

lol
at least I felt badly about it? ugh

ok, so your sonnet is missing a few things... like, a volta on line 9... (a turn) and your iambic pentameter lacks a bit in places) and you've got a few extra syllables on a few lines, but hey... when you're pressed for time, it's going to happen.
I mean... you're an animal advocate and you killed them. ... so I know you were stressed. LOL

you lost your meter on trifle and rifle... which both have feminine, not iambic meter. ;) lol
but I guess you had something you wanted to say? lol

and you did. but since you don't pronounce them triFLE or fiFLE, it doesn't work with the meter. ;)

also, this line:

Two pachyderm trumPETed their escape (you're forcing the stress to the middle syllable of trumpeted... which doesn't work) But those are the only places, other than that, your meter is flawless. ;)
lol
It was fun, wasn't it? EDIT! ;)

awesome fun!
Cat

 Comment Written 06-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

Well, I didn't even know if I was anywhere near the time slot - maybe I'll clear that up for next week - if I'm here :)

Yeah, it was a bit of a mess, but I'll take your comments in hand, and see if I can salvage something now the time pressure isn't on.

As for my iambic pentameter "lacking" - what can I say? Sudden cold snap ;-)

Thanks for the great tips, Cat :)

reply by I am Cat on 06-Mar-2016

LOL, you know what I meant! LOL

reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016

;-)
lol