Poems By AnnieDawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 56 "Moving can be shaky business"My book of poems and stories
8 total reviews
Comment from Bill O'Bier
I enjoyed the story---The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks so much for telling the story and sharing. Good luck in the contest.
Bill~
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
  |
I enjoyed the story---The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks so much for telling the story and sharing. Good luck in the contest.
Bill~
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
-
Thank you for your kind comments. It was quite the experience that my now grown children still remember.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Annie. A fine piece of writing here: Outstanding images recreated by you in here. Like: "Prickles of fear made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end when my attention was diverted to the screams of my toddlers coming from the next room. It was impossible to stand up on the floor. In an attempt to get to the children, my body was severely bounced and jarred, and then thrown back onto the bed. Momentarily stunned, the next thing that I recall was watching, as if in slow motion, my children crawling through the hallway on their hands and knees, crying hysterically, their eyes huge and frightened. The heavily packed boxes bounced around them like Mexican jumping bean."
I cannot imagine going through all of that. did you have any clue prior to moving that you might encounter a quake? Wow!
Suggestions: I would break that first paragraph in two start your second one with this sentence: "The Pacific Coast lies over the San Andreas Fault which starts in the southern state of....etc)
Great job, my friend. :) Bob
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
|
Hi, Annie. A fine piece of writing here: Outstanding images recreated by you in here. Like: "Prickles of fear made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end when my attention was diverted to the screams of my toddlers coming from the next room. It was impossible to stand up on the floor. In an attempt to get to the children, my body was severely bounced and jarred, and then thrown back onto the bed. Momentarily stunned, the next thing that I recall was watching, as if in slow motion, my children crawling through the hallway on their hands and knees, crying hysterically, their eyes huge and frightened. The heavily packed boxes bounced around them like Mexican jumping bean."
I cannot imagine going through all of that. did you have any clue prior to moving that you might encounter a quake? Wow!
Suggestions: I would break that first paragraph in two start your second one with this sentence: "The Pacific Coast lies over the San Andreas Fault which starts in the southern state of....etc)
Great job, my friend. :) Bob
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
-
I have altered the first paragraph as you suggested and I thank you so much for your suggestion. I was agonizing over that paragraph and was going to do something to it anyway, Your suggestion hit the spot. Have a great day!
-
I had a look...but don't see any change? LOL Bob
-
Sometimes it doesn't sink for a while so that it shows up to see. Don't know why, but I have had that happen before. I did make changes though.
-
:) Bob
Comment from DonandVicki
I remember reading and seeing this on the news years ago, how horrifying this must have been to have your world torn apart like that. Well written.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
|
I remember reading and seeing this on the news years ago, how horrifying this must have been to have your world torn apart like that. Well written.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
-
Thanks for reviewing my story. It was really a terrifying experience and such a helpless feeling while going through it. My kids were just toddlers and still remember.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
Excellent description of an experience that was engrained in your mind with every detail secure. You brought the reader in with your descriptions of the wrath of Mother Nature and the fear her force can instill in the youngest and the oldest. Very well done piece.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
|
Excellent description of an experience that was engrained in your mind with every detail secure. You brought the reader in with your descriptions of the wrath of Mother Nature and the fear her force can instill in the youngest and the oldest. Very well done piece.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
-
Thank you so very much for your review. I am so insecure with writing stories and articles yet.
Comment from Delahay
AnnieDawn,
Great story! The possums made it. It's ok to have these
thoughts but when you start writing them down. You know
your probably as crazy as I am. LOL.
DeLaHay
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
|
AnnieDawn,
Great story! The possums made it. It's ok to have these
thoughts but when you start writing them down. You know
your probably as crazy as I am. LOL.
DeLaHay
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
-
This was an earth shaking experience...lol Thanks for your review.
Comment from Debbie Noland
Strong narrative technique that puts the reader with you in the place and time you describe. The similes are especially good: cracker box, booty, little possums and many more.
In your fourth paragraph look at "the bed on which began to vibrate." Is something unintentionally left out or left in there?
I enjoyed your story. I have not experienced an earthquake, but here in the Midwest we have tornadoes. You do well at describing the quake's effects.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
|
Strong narrative technique that puts the reader with you in the place and time you describe. The similes are especially good: cracker box, booty, little possums and many more.
In your fourth paragraph look at "the bed on which began to vibrate." Is something unintentionally left out or left in there?
I enjoyed your story. I have not experienced an earthquake, but here in the Midwest we have tornadoes. You do well at describing the quake's effects.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
-
Thank you for your review and for pointing out the 'bed' sentence. I will go back and see what I probably left out. I know you really read it when I get a suggestion like yours and I am very thankful for any and all corrections.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I guess if one has never experienced the true magnitude of these quakes, it is very difficult to fathom the impact they have. We have very little seismic activity here in the UK.
A very well written piece.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
|
Hi there,
I guess if one has never experienced the true magnitude of these quakes, it is very difficult to fathom the impact they have. We have very little seismic activity here in the UK.
A very well written piece.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
-
Thank you for your review. Even though my children were toddlers when this happened, they still remember it.
Comment from fafa
The biographical histories generate bigadmiration to me because the writer isshowing us part of its history of itsexperiences be these dramatic arts orhappy ones, thus it gives us its way ofbehaving in the life, congratulations verygood work
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
|
The biographical histories generate bigadmiration to me because the writer isshowing us part of its history of itsexperiences be these dramatic arts orhappy ones, thus it gives us its way ofbehaving in the life, congratulations verygood work
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2016
-
Thank you for your review. My children still remember this event even though they were so young when it happened.
