2nd Time Around
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Part I, Chapter 10"A fight for life and truth.
9 total reviews
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
I like your story quite a bit. I enjoy a good legal thriller. Your posting date is January 1, so you must be promoting it again, which is great -- maybe you're adding new chapters?
I did find some spags and offer the following suggestions for your consideration:
"I Haven't got time for a tour."
-->
"I haven't got time for a tour."
For Some odd reason,
-->
For some odd reason,
...and learned he had only been an attorney for four years when he took on Sarah, his first and, so far, only condemned client.
-->
...and learned he had only been an attorney for four years when he took on Sarah, his first and, so far, only condemned client.
"Grace," Doug said. "give us a minute, please."
-->
"Grace," Doug said, "give us a minute, please."
you're the hot shot death penalty lawyer around here.
-->
You're the hot shot death penalty lawyer around here.
In addition, there was a cue of clients,
-->
In addition, there was a queue of clients,
"you try any sneaky tactics on Sarah behind my back...
-->
"You try any sneaky tactics on Sarah behind my back...
With one thick thumb, He indicated the large window behind him,
-->
With one thick thumb, he indicated the large window behind him,
Richard knew She'd always done well in social studies...
-->
Richard knew she'd always done well in social studies...
"They called it a 'strangled cry' in the reports," Richard reminded her. "yes, you were screaming,
-->
"They called it a 'strangled cry' in the reports," Richard reminded her. "Yes, you were screaming,
"people were saying all kinds of things after the execution.
-->
"People were saying all kinds of things after the execution.
Also, in your Notes:
The Supreme Court case Richard discribes is a real case.
-->
The Supreme Court case Richard describes is a real case. [That's very interesting and also tragic.]
***
It's so ghastly, what happened to Sarah's eyes, being burned out in the electric chair. I never considered how that might happen, before. I hope it hasn't actually happened to any real life survivors... unless that's exactly how it affected Willie Francis! And then they electrocuted him again, anyway! There's so much injustice in this world, and that has been the case, historically.
I look forward to reading more of your book.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
  |
I like your story quite a bit. I enjoy a good legal thriller. Your posting date is January 1, so you must be promoting it again, which is great -- maybe you're adding new chapters?
I did find some spags and offer the following suggestions for your consideration:
"I Haven't got time for a tour."
-->
"I haven't got time for a tour."
For Some odd reason,
-->
For some odd reason,
...and learned he had only been an attorney for four years when he took on Sarah, his first and, so far, only condemned client.
-->
...and learned he had only been an attorney for four years when he took on Sarah, his first and, so far, only condemned client.
"Grace," Doug said. "give us a minute, please."
-->
"Grace," Doug said, "give us a minute, please."
you're the hot shot death penalty lawyer around here.
-->
You're the hot shot death penalty lawyer around here.
In addition, there was a cue of clients,
-->
In addition, there was a queue of clients,
"you try any sneaky tactics on Sarah behind my back...
-->
"You try any sneaky tactics on Sarah behind my back...
With one thick thumb, He indicated the large window behind him,
-->
With one thick thumb, he indicated the large window behind him,
Richard knew She'd always done well in social studies...
-->
Richard knew she'd always done well in social studies...
"They called it a 'strangled cry' in the reports," Richard reminded her. "yes, you were screaming,
-->
"They called it a 'strangled cry' in the reports," Richard reminded her. "Yes, you were screaming,
"people were saying all kinds of things after the execution.
-->
"People were saying all kinds of things after the execution.
Also, in your Notes:
The Supreme Court case Richard discribes is a real case.
-->
The Supreme Court case Richard describes is a real case. [That's very interesting and also tragic.]
***
It's so ghastly, what happened to Sarah's eyes, being burned out in the electric chair. I never considered how that might happen, before. I hope it hasn't actually happened to any real life survivors... unless that's exactly how it affected Willie Francis! And then they electrocuted him again, anyway! There's so much injustice in this world, and that has been the case, historically.
I look forward to reading more of your book.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2020
-
Thank you very much for these stars and for taking the time to point out issues. My screenreader, grammar checker, and I aren't agreeing on these issues.
-
You're very welcome. I'm not familiar with the various tools you're using, but I have found Spellcheck, in particular, not to be especially reliable. But then again, you didn't mention Spellcheck, nor do I recall any spelling errors! Sometimes there's nothing like an extra pair of eyes. 👀
Comment from robyn corum
T,
A really super chapter with a lot of details and backstory. Now, I understand what happened to this poor girl. It's weird, though. I know pretty much for a fact, that in the Old West, when they went to hang a person, if the person didn't die on the first 'drop' they did not hang them again. Though there are a few horrible tales about mean law officers who would PULL on the condemned legs to kill them, anyway. Ugh.
Your skill at telling the story is quite good - the problem is in the execution - if you'll permit the pun. *smile*
Here are some notes to show what I mean:
1.) "Oh well," (h)e muttered. "(P)lenty more where she came from.
2.) His 'God bless' comment seems diametrically opposed to his stance on the subject, doesn't it? It would imply he's okay with the ones he doesn't get to help getting killed.
--> maybe - 'unfortunately, this country still loves ordering executions.'
3.) "Let's go," (t)he corrections officer escorting him insisted. "I (h)aven't got time for a tour."
4.) For (s)ome odd reason, he was allowed to bring his briefcase
5.) "I saw you in the visitation room,(") Richard said. "How do you know Sarah Griffin?"
6.) Having said his bit, (h)e walked away towards his own car.
7.) when he took on Sarah, his first and, (s)o far, only condemned client.
8.) "Grace," Doug said(,) "give us a minute, please."
9.) "Sure," (t)he young woman said. "I'll be in the library."
--> as hard as it will be for me -- *smile* -- I'm not gonna mark anymore of these. You must learn to do this yourself to be taking seriously by any publisher or before you publish for yourself.
10.) Sarah nodded. Richard knew (s)he'd always done well in social studies and
11.) http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
--> I have this site bookmarked in my browser. It's Mr fav on this subject - and this way I can reder to it easily OR pass it on, like here.
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
  |
T,
A really super chapter with a lot of details and backstory. Now, I understand what happened to this poor girl. It's weird, though. I know pretty much for a fact, that in the Old West, when they went to hang a person, if the person didn't die on the first 'drop' they did not hang them again. Though there are a few horrible tales about mean law officers who would PULL on the condemned legs to kill them, anyway. Ugh.
Your skill at telling the story is quite good - the problem is in the execution - if you'll permit the pun. *smile*
Here are some notes to show what I mean:
1.) "Oh well," (h)e muttered. "(P)lenty more where she came from.
2.) His 'God bless' comment seems diametrically opposed to his stance on the subject, doesn't it? It would imply he's okay with the ones he doesn't get to help getting killed.
--> maybe - 'unfortunately, this country still loves ordering executions.'
3.) "Let's go," (t)he corrections officer escorting him insisted. "I (h)aven't got time for a tour."
4.) For (s)ome odd reason, he was allowed to bring his briefcase
5.) "I saw you in the visitation room,(") Richard said. "How do you know Sarah Griffin?"
6.) Having said his bit, (h)e walked away towards his own car.
7.) when he took on Sarah, his first and, (s)o far, only condemned client.
8.) "Grace," Doug said(,) "give us a minute, please."
9.) "Sure," (t)he young woman said. "I'll be in the library."
--> as hard as it will be for me -- *smile* -- I'm not gonna mark anymore of these. You must learn to do this yourself to be taking seriously by any publisher or before you publish for yourself.
10.) Sarah nodded. Richard knew (s)he'd always done well in social studies and
11.) http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/
--> I have this site bookmarked in my browser. It's Mr fav on this subject - and this way I can reder to it easily OR pass it on, like here.
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
-
Thank you. It's tricky to check grammar issues with a screenreader. Appreciate the heads-up. I'll check out that site.
-
Yeah, I wondered about that.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This chapter speaks narrative taletelling chronologically in free flow of thoughts, skimmed plot development, realistic and contributory dialogues, good beginning and curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
|
This chapter speaks narrative taletelling chronologically in free flow of thoughts, skimmed plot development, realistic and contributory dialogues, good beginning and curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
-
Thank you kindly.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Okay, you give us some legal and past cases to think about, which makes your story so legit. Between the lines, Sara might get a chance to avoid being executed...again.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
|
Okay, you give us some legal and past cases to think about, which makes your story so legit. Between the lines, Sara might get a chance to avoid being executed...again.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
-
Here's hoping. Thank you very much for these six stars.
Comment from aryr
This is an interesting chapter. Through Richard you present the legal details that affect Sarah and her case. I appreciate you notation and explanation regarding 'plot drop' - good choice, great writing. An interesting closing line- I wonder why Sarah chose the chair.
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
|
This is an interesting chapter. Through Richard you present the legal details that affect Sarah and her case. I appreciate you notation and explanation regarding 'plot drop' - good choice, great writing. An interesting closing line- I wonder why Sarah chose the chair.
Comment Written 24-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
-
She had her reasons (even if they don't make sense to everyone.) Thank you for your time and review.
-
You are welcome and my time allowed me the pleasure of reading.
Comment from foxangie123
I really thought I had read this one of yours before. It may be just your awesome and unique way of writing that makes me think that. Either way it and you still rock......
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
|
I really thought I had read this one of yours before. It may be just your awesome and unique way of writing that makes me think that. Either way it and you still rock......
Comment Written 17-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2016
-
Thank you as always.
Comment from JTStone
That was a very good, well thought out and researched story. I would imagine you are either a lawyer by profession, or you are fascinated by law. You seem to know a lot about it.
It was an enlightening tale, and considering the Black Lives Matter movement that is going on across America, it fits well with the times.
JT
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
|
That was a very good, well thought out and researched story. I would imagine you are either a lawyer by profession, or you are fascinated by law. You seem to know a lot about it.
It was an enlightening tale, and considering the Black Lives Matter movement that is going on across America, it fits well with the times.
JT
Comment Written 24-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016
-
I'm just fascinated. Thank you.
Comment from cuttlefische
A fascinating read.
It's well written with 'real characters', a good story and some factual information to boot.
I would definitely enjoy reading this book and will watch out for further chapters.
Happy New Year.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
|
A fascinating read.
It's well written with 'real characters', a good story and some factual information to boot.
I would definitely enjoy reading this book and will watch out for further chapters.
Happy New Year.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
-
Thank you. I will post more soon.
Comment from Joyce Long
Thank you for explaining 'plot dump.' I had never heard of it. There is so much to learn about writing. I'm pleased that I joined FanStory as I have learned so much.
I really like your story development. The dialogue carries the story along. To have a blotched execution and then to be able to do it again just doesn't seem right. If it failed the first time, that must be God's will and you shouldn't have a second execution. Very well done. I hope they can get Sarah off and out.
Keep up the good work. I'll look forward to reading more.
Joyce 01-02-16
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
|
Thank you for explaining 'plot dump.' I had never heard of it. There is so much to learn about writing. I'm pleased that I joined FanStory as I have learned so much.
I really like your story development. The dialogue carries the story along. To have a blotched execution and then to be able to do it again just doesn't seem right. If it failed the first time, that must be God's will and you shouldn't have a second execution. Very well done. I hope they can get Sarah off and out.
Keep up the good work. I'll look forward to reading more.
Joyce 01-02-16
Comment Written 04-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
-
Thank you.