2nd Time Around
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Part I, Chapter 7"A fight for life and truth.
9 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
T.,
Another interesting and well-crafted chapter. The legalese seems authentic and down-to-earth. You have a talent for sharing legal stories and I'm thrilled you are doing so.
Notes:
1.) I'm confused about why Doug would be carrying any guilt. You seem to imply he thinks he missed something or did something that kept him from rescuing her.
2.) Still having capitalization issues. Go through and read each word carefully - make sure you double-check the beginnings of each sentence, please
3.) Mr. Wolf had Grace (s)it in a nearby chair and stuck his
4.) "You live in Raleigh?" Doug asked, tapping the r�©sum�©'s letterhead with one finger.
--> lose the extra symbols
5.) Grace and (s)ome other visitors were sitting on plain wooden benches,
Thanks!
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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T.,
Another interesting and well-crafted chapter. The legalese seems authentic and down-to-earth. You have a talent for sharing legal stories and I'm thrilled you are doing so.
Notes:
1.) I'm confused about why Doug would be carrying any guilt. You seem to imply he thinks he missed something or did something that kept him from rescuing her.
2.) Still having capitalization issues. Go through and read each word carefully - make sure you double-check the beginnings of each sentence, please
3.) Mr. Wolf had Grace (s)it in a nearby chair and stuck his
4.) "You live in Raleigh?" Doug asked, tapping the r�©sum�©'s letterhead with one finger.
--> lose the extra symbols
5.) Grace and (s)ome other visitors were sitting on plain wooden benches,
Thanks!
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Thank you again.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was well written. I like how you show Sarah's story. The build up as she leaves her car and enters the office was well done. The talk with Doug was strong and I like the lawyer talk they have. Well written again.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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I thought this was well written. I like how you show Sarah's story. The build up as she leaves her car and enters the office was well done. The talk with Doug was strong and I like the lawyer talk they have. Well written again.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Thank you again.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
First encounter between eager student and militant anti-death penalty and Sara the wrongly accused victim. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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First encounter between eager student and militant anti-death penalty and Sara the wrongly accused victim. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from aryr
Grace has determination and drive and good grades/ experiences. Doug has come from the same determination and drive and years of various experiences. He is being fair in giving her this challenge and chance. Good reading.
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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Grace has determination and drive and good grades/ experiences. Doug has come from the same determination and drive and years of various experiences. He is being fair in giving her this challenge and chance. Good reading.
Comment Written 24-May-2016
reply by the author on 24-May-2016
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It's the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Thank you.
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You are welcome- not only a great friendship but a blessing as well.
Comment from damommy
I'm not getting to read as fast as I did the first time around. I don't know if I told you that my mother is in hospital. She also has Alzheimer's and is 94. She fell and broke her femur. A relatively minor surgery, but it seems to have pushed her over the edge as far has her mind is concerned. When I get home, I'm so tired I can't see the page. 8-) But I enjoy your book so much. (I still like the first version best). 8-)
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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I'm not getting to read as fast as I did the first time around. I don't know if I told you that my mother is in hospital. She also has Alzheimer's and is 94. She fell and broke her femur. A relatively minor surgery, but it seems to have pushed her over the edge as far has her mind is concerned. When I get home, I'm so tired I can't see the page. 8-) But I enjoy your book so much. (I still like the first version best). 8-)
Comment Written 14-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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Thank you. I'm sorry about your mother. Not much has changed. I'm mainly making grammatical corrections and the like.
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Teols2016
WOW! You really have impact in this chapter, I was totally engrossed and barely came up for breath until I finished. :) This is just the kind of story I like to read. You've created interesting, intelligent characters, and made all their interactions so real.
The only thing I balked at, and it is possibly an Australian/American language use issue. After such explicit imagery and almost a directional tour of Grace's entry into both the law office and the prison, also the concise detail of so much (which I really enjoyed), all was so professional and then "wanna" came in several times from both Grace and Doug. In Australia we would consider this to be slang and inappropriate use of language especially at an interview or in a formal, professional setting. At least in a novel. Of course we have our own terminology which is also casual. This may be nothing to American readers as it may be normal part of speech where you're story is set. So please ignore this if that is the case. It is only a minor issue. Though there is no indication in the dialogue that you've used character dialect.
If another story I may have suggested the chapter is too long, however here I was so glad you put so much in because I wouldn't have wanted to stop. In fact, I would go right on to the next chapter immediately. You've built strong intrigue into this chapter and tremendous interesting detail which I also like. I found no mistakes I could correct, though I do agree with your earlier reviewers in the minimal that they picked up. A most exciting read, you seemed to work just how someone like Sarah would be reacting after what has happened ... now that was well done yet I could feel the full impact of what Sarah must have looked like to Grace ... quite a shock. You revealed with powerful impact yet without sensationalising with gore. You have certainly gained my attention and I have to read on. Well done. I like your notes, just can't find anything to fault.Warmest Regards - Lovinia xoxox
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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Hi Teols2016
WOW! You really have impact in this chapter, I was totally engrossed and barely came up for breath until I finished. :) This is just the kind of story I like to read. You've created interesting, intelligent characters, and made all their interactions so real.
The only thing I balked at, and it is possibly an Australian/American language use issue. After such explicit imagery and almost a directional tour of Grace's entry into both the law office and the prison, also the concise detail of so much (which I really enjoyed), all was so professional and then "wanna" came in several times from both Grace and Doug. In Australia we would consider this to be slang and inappropriate use of language especially at an interview or in a formal, professional setting. At least in a novel. Of course we have our own terminology which is also casual. This may be nothing to American readers as it may be normal part of speech where you're story is set. So please ignore this if that is the case. It is only a minor issue. Though there is no indication in the dialogue that you've used character dialect.
If another story I may have suggested the chapter is too long, however here I was so glad you put so much in because I wouldn't have wanted to stop. In fact, I would go right on to the next chapter immediately. You've built strong intrigue into this chapter and tremendous interesting detail which I also like. I found no mistakes I could correct, though I do agree with your earlier reviewers in the minimal that they picked up. A most exciting read, you seemed to work just how someone like Sarah would be reacting after what has happened ... now that was well done yet I could feel the full impact of what Sarah must have looked like to Grace ... quite a shock. You revealed with powerful impact yet without sensationalising with gore. You have certainly gained my attention and I have to read on. Well done. I like your notes, just can't find anything to fault.Warmest Regards - Lovinia xoxox
Comment Written 25-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much. I'll look into "wanna". I hear it so much around here.
Comment from fimarie78
I'm hooked! You have painted the characters so well and I need to know what happens to Grace and Sarah. Your writing style is very engaging and you have obviously done lots of research into your subject.
Best wishes
Fiona
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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I'm hooked! You have painted the characters so well and I need to know what happens to Grace and Sarah. Your writing style is very engaging and you have obviously done lots of research into your subject.
Best wishes
Fiona
Comment Written 25-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2016
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Thank you. Welcome aboard. Plenty more chapters are up, if you're interested.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. The word resume was messed up in the crossover from your processor. It is a very interesting story. Awfully long chapter, though. Maybe you can shorten the next one a little.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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Excellent. The word resume was messed up in the crossover from your processor. It is a very interesting story. Awfully long chapter, though. Maybe you can shorten the next one a little.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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Yeah, I crammed a lot in there. I'll see if I can't shave anything off the edges. Thanks.
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I have split this chapter in two. Both should be up within the next fifteen minutes. Hope you might be interested. Thanks.
Comment from AnnieDawn
I enjoyed reading your chapter as much as I would any popular author. I read a lot! Your plot is good and fresh. I would warn you to watch your sentences like some in the fifth paragraph. Where you have written "fix any minor problems" it seems like it could mean problems with the portfolio rather that her suit. Just reread some of the sentences and reword them as there are several that could have unclear meanings. I have a few other suggestions to point out.
being Unable to find her r�©sum�© among his pile of papers(small "u" for unable and I assume the strange spelling is resume')
r�©sum�©(I am not sure why you keep repeating this)
received the visitor forms was (drop the "s" from forms)
Not many corrections that I could see and a very good job. I look forward to reading more of your work.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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I enjoyed reading your chapter as much as I would any popular author. I read a lot! Your plot is good and fresh. I would warn you to watch your sentences like some in the fifth paragraph. Where you have written "fix any minor problems" it seems like it could mean problems with the portfolio rather that her suit. Just reread some of the sentences and reword them as there are several that could have unclear meanings. I have a few other suggestions to point out.
being Unable to find her r�©sum�© among his pile of papers(small "u" for unable and I assume the strange spelling is resume')
r�©sum�©(I am not sure why you keep repeating this)
received the visitor forms was (drop the "s" from forms)
Not many corrections that I could see and a very good job. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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Thank you. This type of feedback is exactly why I joined this site. I can't see the screen very well and the screen-reading software didn't indicate a problem and spell-check was silent. Thanks again.
