Super Stud
Walker wants a resolution to a confusing friendship.42 total reviews
Comment from meeshu
this is a fascinating write, Pomar1115, I gather it is part of a series or a larger novel. I will be looking to read the earlier installments, with time. very good story................meeshu
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2018
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this is a fascinating write, Pomar1115, I gather it is part of a series or a larger novel. I will be looking to read the earlier installments, with time. very good story................meeshu
Comment Written 12-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2018
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No, no, no, Meeshu. Even though the novel idea is encouraging, the focus was meant for only one point of view here. I'm not that good of a writer to hop from head to head in different characters. The novel writers are exceptional scribblers. I enjoy writing and reading about how to write in my leisure. I'm don't enjoy small talk with friends even though I love the ones I have. You guys are the only ones that encourage this secret pleasure I have. Thanks, Meeshu.
Phillip
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it seemed like there are so many places you can take this story. at least an epilogue.
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You sound like a very experienced novelist. However, if I ever reach your level of writing, I'm sure I have a great beginning--as you say-- for a novel but not now.
Phillip
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no, I am a lifelong reader and a sudden poet. besides Short Story writers have to be a lot more clever than novelists.
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I wrote "Super Stud" and 2015 when I knew less about writing. I understand more now and yet I am unable to condense stories to shorter pieces while understanding more. I enjoy learning what I did. Of course, I made more mistakes three years ago as well and authors on the site pointed them out. Hence the excellent re-posting. I'm on a journey to get better like other writers, but I don't have the time or the desire to invest in a novel type of effort.
Phillip
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I let the 'technos' handle grammar and such, my critiques are about feel. your stuff feels good.
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Thanks, Meeshu.
Phillip
Comment from J. Salvatore
A very good idea with a nice, believable story that one can relate to. Nice ending with a bit of surprise, too. I have just a few suggestions:
1. Avoid overuse of commas, e.g. "Walker is expecting to report to work, today." and "She leans, flooding Jeff and the lawyer's ears, with swear words."
2. What does it mean to be "wisely built?"
3. Some phrases are not clear at first glance, e.g. calling senior citizens simply "seniors" the first time we see them and "after the rescue from the bully at 10."
Overall good work. Thanks for the read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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A very good idea with a nice, believable story that one can relate to. Nice ending with a bit of surprise, too. I have just a few suggestions:
1. Avoid overuse of commas, e.g. "Walker is expecting to report to work, today." and "She leans, flooding Jeff and the lawyer's ears, with swear words."
2. What does it mean to be "wisely built?"
3. Some phrases are not clear at first glance, e.g. calling senior citizens simply "seniors" the first time we see them and "after the rescue from the bully at 10."
Overall good work. Thanks for the read!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-May-2017
reply by the author on 27-May-2017
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Thanks, J Salvatore, for reading and rating. I will make the corrections.
Comment from wondertwin
wow, 'Super Stud' is an interesting story. It sure doesn't turn out the way one thinks it would from the start of this story. Sometimes resolution takes a different turn, right!?! Blessings, AJ
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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wow, 'Super Stud' is an interesting story. It sure doesn't turn out the way one thinks it would from the start of this story. Sometimes resolution takes a different turn, right!?! Blessings, AJ
Comment Written 23-May-2017
reply by the author on 23-May-2017
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Thanks. for reading.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story. When a man gets into trouble the first one he blames is his mother that did not stop him from doing the wrong things. From my own experience I know that sometimes children don't listen to their mothers and do the opposite as they are told.
reply by the author on 16-May-2017
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A very well-written story. When a man gets into trouble the first one he blames is his mother that did not stop him from doing the wrong things. From my own experience I know that sometimes children don't listen to their mothers and do the opposite as they are told.
Comment Written 16-May-2017
reply by the author on 16-May-2017
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Thanks for reading, Sandra
Comment from oliver818
I like this story, it's interesting. I think you should be careful about tenses though, there are a few places where the past tense is used and others where it's in the present and it's a little confusing for the reader. Thanks for sharing and have a great day
reply by the author on 16-May-2017
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I like this story, it's interesting. I think you should be careful about tenses though, there are a few places where the past tense is used and others where it's in the present and it's a little confusing for the reader. Thanks for sharing and have a great day
Comment Written 16-May-2017
reply by the author on 16-May-2017
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Thanks, Oliver. I will look for those tense problems and correct them.
Comment from Janilou
A very interesting story.
Notes:
At his seat, Walker gazes in Jeff's direction, hoping to make eye contact. Waiting for this judgment for three months are two uptight senior(s) gentlemen.
senior
Walker sits on the other side where Mrs. Taylor is sitting behind Jeff and his lawyer. She leans, flooding Jeff and the lawyer( ) ears, with swear words.
lawyer's ?
This feels like a part of a longer story. Is it? I found myself wondering about Walker's relationship with his mother, and why he actually did go to the courthouse instead of to a new job.
Good luck with your writing.
Jan
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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A very interesting story.
Notes:
At his seat, Walker gazes in Jeff's direction, hoping to make eye contact. Waiting for this judgment for three months are two uptight senior(s) gentlemen.
senior
Walker sits on the other side where Mrs. Taylor is sitting behind Jeff and his lawyer. She leans, flooding Jeff and the lawyer( ) ears, with swear words.
lawyer's ?
This feels like a part of a longer story. Is it? I found myself wondering about Walker's relationship with his mother, and why he actually did go to the courthouse instead of to a new job.
Good luck with your writing.
Jan
Comment Written 15-May-2017
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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Yes, I cut huge. I wanted a short story. I write a lot, then cut it down. Short Stories is what I want.
I appreciate the corrections needed. I will get to them now. Thanks, Janilou
Comment from lalajovanoski
I really enjoyed reading this piece as it has a great construction and an even better dialogue. full of emotions, there is a lot going on here. thanks for sharing this
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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I really enjoyed reading this piece as it has a great construction and an even better dialogue. full of emotions, there is a lot going on here. thanks for sharing this
Comment Written 15-May-2017
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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Thanks, a lot.
Comment from dweigt
Interesting story! I like the use of present tense, which makes it feel more immediate and pulls the reader in.
Walker's friend Jeffery has a habit of stomping him, and the passing of time did not change that. After the internship, gaining experience as an accountant in New Jersey, the company transfers him back home to Dallas to work. Walker is expecting to report to work, today. -- This seems like a slow start to the story. Consider giving us this information later, and start the story with the dialogue to hook the reader quicker.
In school, Jeff tendency to scoff at everything and everyone is legendary. -- I think this should be "Jeff's tendency".
When he did that, Walker and Jeff's eyes meets. -- Shifting from past tense in the first part of the sentence to present tense in the last. And the "meets" should be "meet". Something like -- As he does that, Walker and Jeff's eyes meet.
I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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Interesting story! I like the use of present tense, which makes it feel more immediate and pulls the reader in.
Walker's friend Jeffery has a habit of stomping him, and the passing of time did not change that. After the internship, gaining experience as an accountant in New Jersey, the company transfers him back home to Dallas to work. Walker is expecting to report to work, today. -- This seems like a slow start to the story. Consider giving us this information later, and start the story with the dialogue to hook the reader quicker.
In school, Jeff tendency to scoff at everything and everyone is legendary. -- I think this should be "Jeff's tendency".
When he did that, Walker and Jeff's eyes meets. -- Shifting from past tense in the first part of the sentence to present tense in the last. And the "meets" should be "meet". Something like -- As he does that, Walker and Jeff's eyes meet.
I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing!
Comment Written 15-May-2017
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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I appreciate the needed correction. I will do my best.
Comment from apky
Excellent work here, Phillip, but you need to watch out for those nitty things like mixing tenses. And always remember the possessive apostrophe. For example: Aki's smile, not Aki smile.
>>Walker's friend Jeffery has a habit of stomping him, and the passing of time did not change that. After the internship, gaining experience as an accountant in New Jersey, the company transfers him back home to Dallas to work. Walker is expecting to report to work, today. <<
My example: Walker's friend Jeffery has a habit of stomping him, and the passing of time did [has] not change[d] that. After the internship, gaining experience as an accountant in New Jersey, the company transfers him back home to Dallas to work. Walker is expecting to report to work, today.
>>His mother never forgets. She remembers all his experiences. She can tell Walker the very day and what went on, along with those quirky feeling she has about some people. When he sees her scanning Jeff, Walker pressing to leave her presents, never to return. He doesn't think she's right about Jeff because he has personal knowledge about him. He believes, he has a better grasp on how to resolve their contrasting ways of lifestyle. But Walker can't have a fresh start without settling the tie with Jeff.<<
In the example above, you use the pronoun "he/him" in a way that confuses the reader about whether the pronounc refers to Waslker or to Jeff.
There are other similarities in glitched. I'm afraid I just don't find enough time to go through them all. I hope the examples with help you. At an rate you can contact me any time with any writing query.
Keep it up!
Apky
He ignores the radio(,) bolts to the kitchen.
Walker('s) mother never forgets.
those quirky feeling she has about some people ~ Because you use the referral "those", which is plural, you have to change the "feeling" into plural too = "feelings"
So the correct sentence is: those quirky feelings she has about some people
When Walker sees her scanning Jeff, Walker pressing to leave her presents never letting him return. ~ This sentence is rather garbled and I don't even get what you mean to say.
lifestyle with Jeffâ??s can not(cannot - written as one word) stay as it is
Walker believes his own mother('s) quirky feelings are off when Jeff' confesses
When he did(does - keep the present tense) that, Walker and Jeffâ??s eyes meet.
Walker watches Jeff('s) brows meet
mulling over (to-delete this, you don't need it) who he sees.
snapping his head in Walker('s) direction
this fierce-looking fellow('s) expressions can
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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Excellent work here, Phillip, but you need to watch out for those nitty things like mixing tenses. And always remember the possessive apostrophe. For example: Aki's smile, not Aki smile.
>>Walker's friend Jeffery has a habit of stomping him, and the passing of time did not change that. After the internship, gaining experience as an accountant in New Jersey, the company transfers him back home to Dallas to work. Walker is expecting to report to work, today. <<
My example: Walker's friend Jeffery has a habit of stomping him, and the passing of time did [has] not change[d] that. After the internship, gaining experience as an accountant in New Jersey, the company transfers him back home to Dallas to work. Walker is expecting to report to work, today.
>>His mother never forgets. She remembers all his experiences. She can tell Walker the very day and what went on, along with those quirky feeling she has about some people. When he sees her scanning Jeff, Walker pressing to leave her presents, never to return. He doesn't think she's right about Jeff because he has personal knowledge about him. He believes, he has a better grasp on how to resolve their contrasting ways of lifestyle. But Walker can't have a fresh start without settling the tie with Jeff.<<
In the example above, you use the pronoun "he/him" in a way that confuses the reader about whether the pronounc refers to Waslker or to Jeff.
There are other similarities in glitched. I'm afraid I just don't find enough time to go through them all. I hope the examples with help you. At an rate you can contact me any time with any writing query.
Keep it up!
Apky
He ignores the radio(,) bolts to the kitchen.
Walker('s) mother never forgets.
those quirky feeling she has about some people ~ Because you use the referral "those", which is plural, you have to change the "feeling" into plural too = "feelings"
So the correct sentence is: those quirky feelings she has about some people
When Walker sees her scanning Jeff, Walker pressing to leave her presents never letting him return. ~ This sentence is rather garbled and I don't even get what you mean to say.
lifestyle with Jeffâ??s can not(cannot - written as one word) stay as it is
Walker believes his own mother('s) quirky feelings are off when Jeff' confesses
When he did(does - keep the present tense) that, Walker and Jeffâ??s eyes meet.
Walker watches Jeff('s) brows meet
mulling over (to-delete this, you don't need it) who he sees.
snapping his head in Walker('s) direction
this fierce-looking fellow('s) expressions can
Comment Written 15-May-2017
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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I don't have the words to say how much I appreciate your valuable suggestions. Hopefully, I can look over the whole piece and find similar problems. Thanks a lot, aky.
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"along with those quirky feeling she has"
- "those" is plural, so "feeling" must be plural too.
-those quirky feeling[s]
I just noticed that. Always happy to assist whenever and wherever I can, my friend.
Aki
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
At home watching Jeff talking to a newsman, Walker recalls Jeff's naming himself "Super Stud" in the conversation they were having after the rescue from the bully at 10.
Sitting behind a prison glass window for visitors, the newsman asks, "Jeff why did you bite part of your mother's nose off. She raises you safe from harm. Why did you do such an act?"
Jeff replies, "If that woman loves me so much, she is the first to stop me from my stealing. Why didn't she? That is what you get for raising a bad child."
Walker can not believe what he is hearing. Touching the base of his neck, narrowing his eyes, stuttering to himself, "Where did I go wrong, " fumbling with the remote control. Walker changes the channel. He's upset for wasting his time, sitting in court.'
I found this interesting and very well written, well done, interesting story. kind regards Meia x
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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At home watching Jeff talking to a newsman, Walker recalls Jeff's naming himself "Super Stud" in the conversation they were having after the rescue from the bully at 10.
Sitting behind a prison glass window for visitors, the newsman asks, "Jeff why did you bite part of your mother's nose off. She raises you safe from harm. Why did you do such an act?"
Jeff replies, "If that woman loves me so much, she is the first to stop me from my stealing. Why didn't she? That is what you get for raising a bad child."
Walker can not believe what he is hearing. Touching the base of his neck, narrowing his eyes, stuttering to himself, "Where did I go wrong, " fumbling with the remote control. Walker changes the channel. He's upset for wasting his time, sitting in court.'
I found this interesting and very well written, well done, interesting story. kind regards Meia x
Comment Written 15-May-2017
reply by the author on 15-May-2017
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Wow! Thanks, Meia (MESAYERS)
