Miscellaneous stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "By Siding Spring"Fiction and non-fiction prose
16 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Oh, I love this type of contest. Openings are so incredibly important. Many publishers won't read further than line one, if it doesn't grab them. This one makes a great entry to the contest, as it grabs the reader right away. The first line is compelling and the second one sets the setting and characterization all in one sentence.
The flow and pacing are superb, though I recommend one minor change in this sentence to avoid using IS with the verb:
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A six-hour drive away, at his home in Croydon Park, school teacher Alan Morgan's lesson preparation is disturbed by a call from his mother.
Example:
A six-hour drive away, at his home in Croydon Park, a call from his mother disturbs school teacher Alan Morgan's lesson preparation.
Great line--compelling:
It's the first time he has heard from her in nearly seven years - since the day she died.
*One other optional trimming suggestion...to delete both THATs here:
Together they discover that someone has a secret -- a secret that people are dying to protect.
Together they discover someone has a secret -- a secret people are dying to protect.
Superb closing line to further hook the reader:
Their success or failure could alter the course of human history.
Strong entry. Good luck!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Oh, I love this type of contest. Openings are so incredibly important. Many publishers won't read further than line one, if it doesn't grab them. This one makes a great entry to the contest, as it grabs the reader right away. The first line is compelling and the second one sets the setting and characterization all in one sentence.
The flow and pacing are superb, though I recommend one minor change in this sentence to avoid using IS with the verb:
*
A six-hour drive away, at his home in Croydon Park, school teacher Alan Morgan's lesson preparation is disturbed by a call from his mother.
Example:
A six-hour drive away, at his home in Croydon Park, a call from his mother disturbs school teacher Alan Morgan's lesson preparation.
Great line--compelling:
It's the first time he has heard from her in nearly seven years - since the day she died.
*One other optional trimming suggestion...to delete both THATs here:
Together they discover that someone has a secret -- a secret that people are dying to protect.
Together they discover someone has a secret -- a secret people are dying to protect.
Superb closing line to further hook the reader:
Their success or failure could alter the course of human history.
Strong entry. Good luck!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thanks so much, RD for the wonderful review. I've been pulled up so many times on my excessive use of "that"! I'd hoped to have minimized my use of it by now, but alas, not so. You are the first to pick it up in this piece, so thank you - I've removed both occurrences, and also changed the other line as you suggested. Much appreciated :)
Craig
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Ah yes, I used to overuse THATs too. The key is to read the sentence without it...and if it still makes sense, then trim it out. And, if it sounds wrong, then keep it.
Glad you found the feedback helpful! Thanks for your gracious response.
Warmly, rd
Comment from c_lucas
This needs a little polishing. The five stars are for it being spag free. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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This needs a little polishing. The five stars are for it being spag free. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Thanks for the input, and positive comments. I'm open to any suggestions for polishing.
Craig.
Comment from a.w.brooks
Very well written they caught my attention off from the get go. Seems to me they need to find the murder and put an end to all the murders I wish you luck in the contest and happy writing
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2015
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Very well written they caught my attention off from the get go. Seems to me they need to find the murder and put an end to all the murders I wish you luck in the contest and happy writing
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2015
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Thanks for the kind words and good wishes. Both are gratefully received!
Craig
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Your Are welcome Craig
Comment from Tiya14
Good day CD RICHARDS,
I am an avid reader and all I want to say is......I want to read this book. You had me hooked at the first sentence. In my opinion, it was flawless. It's intriguing, but doesn't give to much away. It just makes me want to read more. Great job!
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2015
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Good day CD RICHARDS,
I am an avid reader and all I want to say is......I want to read this book. You had me hooked at the first sentence. In my opinion, it was flawless. It's intriguing, but doesn't give to much away. It just makes me want to read more. Great job!
Comment Written 19-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much, Tiya14, for the wonderful review, and the very generous rating! I hope not to disappoint with the book - there's till a fair bit of work to do before any of it appears here, but I'm hoping to be able to devote time to it very soon. Many thanks, Craig.
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Ohhh! I'm so glad to hear your working on this!! I can't wait to read the first chapter so I'll be looking for your posts. Good luck and happy writing!
Comment from humpwhistle
An interesting construction. I tend to favor stories where
people are brought together by seemingly random occurrence's.
Of course, you've left scant clues as to what the nature of this threat may be.
Good grabber.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2015
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An interesting construction. I tend to favor stories where
people are brought together by seemingly random occurrence's.
Of course, you've left scant clues as to what the nature of this threat may be.
Good grabber.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 19-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2015
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Thanks for the review, and the good wishes. Much appreciated, Lee.
Craig.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Very nice job! This definitely intrigues me and makes me want to read. I like they way you tell a little bit in the beginning and then build the suspense for the bulk of the book. Best of luck!
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2015
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Very nice job! This definitely intrigues me and makes me want to read. I like they way you tell a little bit in the beginning and then build the suspense for the bulk of the book. Best of luck!
Comment Written 18-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2015
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Thanks so much for the very kind review, and the good wishes. Both are much appreciated!
Craig
Comment from Adri7enne
Yeah, I'd want to read it! LOL
Who wouldn't want to be there for something that will "alter the course of human history forever."? You've got me hooked. Now write the novel. Meanwhile, good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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Yeah, I'd want to read it! LOL
Who wouldn't want to be there for something that will "alter the course of human history forever."? You've got me hooked. Now write the novel. Meanwhile, good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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Thanks, Adri7enne :)
Write the novel? That's easy for you to say! I'm hoping to. Your good wishes are much appreciated.
Craig
Comment from Spitfire
Oh, I love stories that deal with the paranormal. And the word "secret" always gets my attention. Good use of attention grabbing words i.e. eerie, gruesome. Do you plan to write this?
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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Oh, I love stories that deal with the paranormal. And the word "secret" always gets my attention. Good use of attention grabbing words i.e. eerie, gruesome. Do you plan to write this?
Comment Written 17-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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I really hope to. Time is the big enemy at the moment, or maybe more correctly having the guts to devote the time required to write it. Thanks for the kind words :)
Craig
Comment from ProSongwriter
although not a genre I normally read, this has a lot of mystery to be revealed. It's a very intriguing blurb and calls strongly to the readers of this genre. Nothing better than piquing the interest if your prospective readers!
Good luck in the contest!
Alan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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although not a genre I normally read, this has a lot of mystery to be revealed. It's a very intriguing blurb and calls strongly to the readers of this genre. Nothing better than piquing the interest if your prospective readers!
Good luck in the contest!
Alan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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Thanks
Comment from ciliverde
I love mysteries, and there are a few presented here: the title, for one. What is Siding Spring? I noticed some reviewers questioned it, but it makes me curious. What is this place, and how does it factor into your mystery? What is the gruesome mystery that these newlyweds discover? Somehow, Alan is compelled to connect with them. These three things will come together in a way that I hope is not necessarily supernatural, but something twisted and entirely feasible :-)
Nice job!!
Carol
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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I love mysteries, and there are a few presented here: the title, for one. What is Siding Spring? I noticed some reviewers questioned it, but it makes me curious. What is this place, and how does it factor into your mystery? What is the gruesome mystery that these newlyweds discover? Somehow, Alan is compelled to connect with them. These three things will come together in a way that I hope is not necessarily supernatural, but something twisted and entirely feasible :-)
Nice job!!
Carol
Comment Written 16-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2015
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Hi Carol, thanks for stopping by :)
There are few mysteries left in the world, thanks to Google. If one were really curious about Siding Spring, "the truth is out there" (hmmmm, that sounds oddly familiar).
As for supernatural, I am a big fan, as long as it's entertaining and to some extent plausible - if one suspends rationality for a short time ;-) So it's possible that it could have some supernatural aspects, or not ;-)
Your comments are much appreciated, as always!
Craig