In the Rain
Waiting27 total reviews
Comment from crich
Reading you story tonight was as satisfying as the blessed rain in your story. I have scrolled through a number of less-than-interesting subjects and loved your title, the artwork you chose and was grateful to be rewarded with this delightful scene. Thank you!!
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Reading you story tonight was as satisfying as the blessed rain in your story. I have scrolled through a number of less-than-interesting subjects and loved your title, the artwork you chose and was grateful to be rewarded with this delightful scene. Thank you!!
Comment Written 08-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much for the reading and lovely review!
I'm honored if the writing moved you:)
Thank you again for stopping by.
Stacia
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, :)
This must have gotten lost or accidentally erased in my messages. Oh no, a mistake here. Grammarly screws up and doesn't underline the error. Stacia, I spelled accidentally with one 'l' okay. :D
I'm still trying to get 'Flower Power' published. Fingers crossed!
Good luck in the contest. :)
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Hello, :)
This must have gotten lost or accidentally erased in my messages. Oh no, a mistake here. Grammarly screws up and doesn't underline the error. Stacia, I spelled accidentally with one 'l' okay. :D
I'm still trying to get 'Flower Power' published. Fingers crossed!
Good luck in the contest. :)
Comment Written 08-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the reading!
I'm glad you're moving forward with submitting your work.
Keep me posted on how it goes:)
Stacia
Comment from apky
I found this romantic, hilarious and so total Sophie Kinsella!
And your descriptive prowess is excellent, making the read see it all, with all their senses:
Rain was pelting down now, darkening his shirt and pasting his hair to his head. The group of house hunters and realtors on the lawn took cover on the porch or fled to their cars at the curb.
Rain. Clean, fresh, life-sustaining rain. It fell, faster and faster, showering him and dancing off the sidewalk. Lightning flashed, thunder cracked.
Excellent,
Apky
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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I found this romantic, hilarious and so total Sophie Kinsella!
And your descriptive prowess is excellent, making the read see it all, with all their senses:
Rain was pelting down now, darkening his shirt and pasting his hair to his head. The group of house hunters and realtors on the lawn took cover on the porch or fled to their cars at the curb.
Rain. Clean, fresh, life-sustaining rain. It fell, faster and faster, showering him and dancing off the sidewalk. Lightning flashed, thunder cracked.
Excellent,
Apky
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the reading and review, Apky! Much appreciated.
What an honor to be compared to Kinsella:) I love chick lick and romance:)
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
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You're welcome, Stacia. Why don't you join me and beta read/review my romance books?
Cheers,
Apky
Comment from Thal1959
This is all very well written, and is a good reflection of what a young couple might be like in the situation. I am a bit uncomfortable making a point or two to a college professor, but here goes...
They were supposed to meet here at nine o'clock, and usually Sharona was punctual as hell, one of the annoying things about her, but they'd argued last night. [Over her texting and checking social media when he was trying to talk to her about the house situation--another annoying thing about her.] The sentence in brackets is not really a proper sentence; it dangles like a participle. It seems to me it should be append to the previous sentence with a comma rather than be an independent sentence since it is dependent on the previous sentence.
"She was nothing if not straightforward. And honest. Besides brainy."
Same thing here with "Besides brainy." All three sentences could be tinkered together as one, but it seems that the second half should be "And honest, besides brainy." Or, the comma could be replaced with a semicolon.
Again, just my personal opinion.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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This is all very well written, and is a good reflection of what a young couple might be like in the situation. I am a bit uncomfortable making a point or two to a college professor, but here goes...
They were supposed to meet here at nine o'clock, and usually Sharona was punctual as hell, one of the annoying things about her, but they'd argued last night. [Over her texting and checking social media when he was trying to talk to her about the house situation--another annoying thing about her.] The sentence in brackets is not really a proper sentence; it dangles like a participle. It seems to me it should be append to the previous sentence with a comma rather than be an independent sentence since it is dependent on the previous sentence.
"She was nothing if not straightforward. And honest. Besides brainy."
Same thing here with "Besides brainy." All three sentences could be tinkered together as one, but it seems that the second half should be "And honest, besides brainy." Or, the comma could be replaced with a semicolon.
Again, just my personal opinion.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Hi, Thal! Thanks for stopping by.
Don't worry about offering your critique to anyone who has posted here:)
You are correct, that those "sentences" you picked out are actually sentence fragments, not complete.
In fiction, "incorrect" or nonstandard grammar is often used, either for character dialogue (think of the incorrectness of Huck Finn's dialogue, for example) or for internal dialogue. The fragments here were used to simulate the character Kevin's internal thought processes--usually our thoughts do not occur in complete sentences.
Thanks again for stopping by:)
Stacia
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You're welcome - it is always a pleasure, Stacie Ann.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
He raised his hands to the sky, drinking it in, eyes closed. There was a God. Thank you for sending this, for the rain, for Sharona, for life in general...He thought, wasn't sure, he even spun in a circle.
When he opened his eyes, Sharona was standing in front of him, umbrella up, her typical ironic smile pulling at her lips.
"You okay?" she asked.
"Yeah." He dropped his hands, smoothed back strands of hair sticking to his forehead. "I don't want to move to the suburbs."
"You know what?" she said. "Me neither."
The suburbanite couples were staring at them from the porch.;'
What a perfectly lovely, witty and touching ending to this amazing and absorbing story. I loved it and wish you all the best in the competition kindest regards, Meia x
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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He raised his hands to the sky, drinking it in, eyes closed. There was a God. Thank you for sending this, for the rain, for Sharona, for life in general...He thought, wasn't sure, he even spun in a circle.
When he opened his eyes, Sharona was standing in front of him, umbrella up, her typical ironic smile pulling at her lips.
"You okay?" she asked.
"Yeah." He dropped his hands, smoothed back strands of hair sticking to his forehead. "I don't want to move to the suburbs."
"You know what?" she said. "Me neither."
The suburbanite couples were staring at them from the porch.;'
What a perfectly lovely, witty and touching ending to this amazing and absorbing story. I loved it and wish you all the best in the competition kindest regards, Meia x
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Thank you so much for the reading and review, Meia! Much appreciated. Glad it resonated with you:)
All the Best,
Stacia
Comment from Thesis
Your story was quite romantic in a number of ways. I liked the description of the argument, the tension, and the guilt when he was waiting for her at the wrong house. The ending was good too, leading the reader to believe that a new beginning was about to occur. It was a good read.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Your story was quite romantic in a number of ways. I liked the description of the argument, the tension, and the guilt when he was waiting for her at the wrong house. The ending was good too, leading the reader to believe that a new beginning was about to occur. It was a good read.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for the reading and review, Thesis! Glad it resonated with you.
The characters of Sharona and Kevin and their stormy relationship are recurrent in my work.
Thanks again for stopping by:)
Stacia
Comment from MelB
This is a great contest entry you have written. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what happened to Sharona. I enjoyed this from beginning to end.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017
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This is a great contest entry you have written. I was on the edge of my seat wondering what happened to Sharona. I enjoyed this from beginning to end.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017
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Hi, Mel! Thanks for reading and the review:)
Great to hear there was reader response to the piece and that it emotionally moved you:) That means the work did succeed!
Thanks again for stopping by!
Stacia
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
A lovely lighthearted romance to pick one up on a cold and
gloomy day.
Well structured with a smooth flow throughout.
The contest requirements have been met and it was a pleasure to read.
Good luck.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017
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A lovely lighthearted romance to pick one up on a cold and
gloomy day.
Well structured with a smooth flow throughout.
The contest requirements have been met and it was a pleasure to read.
Good luck.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 25-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2017
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Thanks for the reading and review, Shirley! Much appreciated.
I'm glad the romantic theme came through:)
The contest is long over--I didn't win--but I still like the work!
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
Comment from sly716
You use the word "nice" three times in the opening 2 paragraphs, which makes it seem a bit repetitive and flat. I think you could change up that word a bit to make the beginning punch better.
I really liked "while his blood sugars plummeted to his socks," that was a great way of describing that, but I don't think "chewing on freaking candy" was a good follow up to it. The word "freaking" just doesn't fit the tone to me, but that's just my style preference :)
Other than those two things, which really are a preference thing, I thought it was good. I think we've all had those arguments with our significant other, and even when we've "made up" there's still lingering uncertainty, and you captured that well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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You use the word "nice" three times in the opening 2 paragraphs, which makes it seem a bit repetitive and flat. I think you could change up that word a bit to make the beginning punch better.
I really liked "while his blood sugars plummeted to his socks," that was a great way of describing that, but I don't think "chewing on freaking candy" was a good follow up to it. The word "freaking" just doesn't fit the tone to me, but that's just my style preference :)
Other than those two things, which really are a preference thing, I thought it was good. I think we've all had those arguments with our significant other, and even when we've "made up" there's still lingering uncertainty, and you captured that well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Hy, Sly! Thanks for the reading and review. Much appreciated.
Thanks for taking the time for offering constructive feedback--not everyone does. I'll have to revisit the first two paragraphs and work on the variety a bit.
I've written about this character before, and words like "freaking" are very much a part of his narrative voice, but I see your point it may not fit this particular story.
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
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It's my pleasure! I joined because I wanted actionable feedback on writing, so I try to give people exactly that.
I will have to go and read some of your other pieces too! I didn't realize I had jumped in the middle :D
Comment from DonandVicki
I like the way that you paired up your prose with the artwork of lovers in Paris. Nicely written romance story. I am hooked on love and romance stories like this.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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I like the way that you paired up your prose with the artwork of lovers in Paris. Nicely written romance story. I am hooked on love and romance stories like this.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for the reading and review! Much appreciated. Glad if the story resonated. I was uncertain about the artwork, as it is clearly set in Paris, but chose it anyway as it was too good to pass up.
Thanks again for stopping by:)
Stacia
