The Conjurer, Part Four
A nest of spies35 total reviews
Comment from Green Lake Girl
I was utterly delighted to see you'd posted again, Bev. This chapter provides valuable insight into the personality and psyche of the good Doctor. Seems he's a bit of a flawed character, which always makes for richer reading. (I need to work on that in my own writing.) I cringed when he poured a tumbler full of Mezcal. What was he thinking? A hungover brain is not a fully functioning brain.
Okay, so you made me research mezcal. I discovered that all tequilas are mezcal, but not all mezcal is tequila. Kinda like all bourbons are whiskey, but not all whiskey is bourbon.
Also, the sounds coming from my bowels were rising in pitch and frequency. (Typical symptoms of Mexico!)
Loved this simile: "...like two hands on a clock inexorably linked to the cycles of time, we fell back into our old relationship pattern." I suspect Elise is probably not "the one" for Morales, but both are too "relationship lazy" to execute a serious breakup. You describe a very believable relationship.
"I found myself wading through a muck of paranoia..." I'm glad he's shaking off the paranoia--justified or not. It would hold him back, especially in dealing with the shaman.
A suggestion: "The only illumination was the white blip of a heat sensor and the illumination of my bedside clock." You don't need the second "illumination". For example: "The only illumination was the white blip of a heat sensor and the face of my bedside clock."
I loved the bravado of Morales at the end of the chapter. Right now I think my money is on the shaman! LOL
A lot going on in this chapter, Bev. Morales is an interesting character. Flawed, believable, and bright. You're very skilled, Bev--sixer quality for sure.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
  |
I was utterly delighted to see you'd posted again, Bev. This chapter provides valuable insight into the personality and psyche of the good Doctor. Seems he's a bit of a flawed character, which always makes for richer reading. (I need to work on that in my own writing.) I cringed when he poured a tumbler full of Mezcal. What was he thinking? A hungover brain is not a fully functioning brain.
Okay, so you made me research mezcal. I discovered that all tequilas are mezcal, but not all mezcal is tequila. Kinda like all bourbons are whiskey, but not all whiskey is bourbon.
Also, the sounds coming from my bowels were rising in pitch and frequency. (Typical symptoms of Mexico!)
Loved this simile: "...like two hands on a clock inexorably linked to the cycles of time, we fell back into our old relationship pattern." I suspect Elise is probably not "the one" for Morales, but both are too "relationship lazy" to execute a serious breakup. You describe a very believable relationship.
"I found myself wading through a muck of paranoia..." I'm glad he's shaking off the paranoia--justified or not. It would hold him back, especially in dealing with the shaman.
A suggestion: "The only illumination was the white blip of a heat sensor and the illumination of my bedside clock." You don't need the second "illumination". For example: "The only illumination was the white blip of a heat sensor and the face of my bedside clock."
I loved the bravado of Morales at the end of the chapter. Right now I think my money is on the shaman! LOL
A lot going on in this chapter, Bev. Morales is an interesting character. Flawed, believable, and bright. You're very skilled, Bev--sixer quality for sure.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Hi, Marietta. Thank you very much for your support and encouragement! Glad you caught that duplication--will change pronto.
I worried the chapter might be a bit overloaded with background information, but unlike a novel, the short story does allow for a bit of speeding-up on that score, at least in my mind. Stefano is a complex man, as we all are, but he is still trying to justify a decision that, underneath, he feels may lead to something he's wholly un-equipped to handle. I think your money is safe.
Again, thanks so much for the generosity of your review--much appreciated.
:) Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Stephano had quite a night and didn't wake the better for it--rumbley tummy and all. Then Pasquale's driver show up for him just after he's showered. The clerk warns him to go back to America, but oh no, he's going to follow through and learn more about Pasquale.
:) e
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
 |
Stephano had quite a night and didn't wake the better for it--rumbley tummy and all. Then Pasquale's driver show up for him just after he's showered. The clerk warns him to go back to America, but oh no, he's going to follow through and learn more about Pasquale.
:) e
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Thanks so much, Ellen. Glad you're still on board.
:) Bev
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev
_ You have wonderful attention to detail, from beginning to end.
_ I really like the part when he's reflecting on Elise.
_ His thinking process really puts the reader inside his head as well.
_ I really enjoyed the read, my friend. Great job. (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
|
Hi, Bev
_ You have wonderful attention to detail, from beginning to end.
_ I really like the part when he's reflecting on Elise.
_ His thinking process really puts the reader inside his head as well.
_ I really enjoyed the read, my friend. Great job. (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Thanks so much, Jax. I'm very gratified by your kind words and support. Stefano is a complicated man, as we all are, and he's trying to convince himself that he is making good decisions. That, however, remains to be seen.
Much appreciated!
Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear Bev. Nice to see you posting. I've only time (during my chai break) to review one or two, so glad it can be YOU! :)
As usual, the chapter draws the reader in with it's excellent deep POV, descriptive detail and fine pacing.
In the second part, the dialog sounds authentic--except for one 'stumble' I noticed with the concierge using the word 'unscathed'. It seemed unlikely a vocabulary for a person whose mother tongue is not English. Just a thought!
NOTES
*I lay on my right side facing the bathroom--a distance of ten feet.
Consider tightening to:
I lay on my right side facing the bathroom ten feet away.
* Next(,) I slid my legs over the side of the bed and planted my feet on the floor.
*I let the jets pound over me for fifteen minutes and, afterward(,) felt a modicum of clarity returning.
*
This internal dialog should be in italics:
Was the whole damned town involved in an elaborate fraud? Only one way to find out.
Enjoyed reading you again this morning.
Wishing you a lovely day!
Hugs,
rd
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
|
Hi dear Bev. Nice to see you posting. I've only time (during my chai break) to review one or two, so glad it can be YOU! :)
As usual, the chapter draws the reader in with it's excellent deep POV, descriptive detail and fine pacing.
In the second part, the dialog sounds authentic--except for one 'stumble' I noticed with the concierge using the word 'unscathed'. It seemed unlikely a vocabulary for a person whose mother tongue is not English. Just a thought!
NOTES
*I lay on my right side facing the bathroom--a distance of ten feet.
Consider tightening to:
I lay on my right side facing the bathroom ten feet away.
* Next(,) I slid my legs over the side of the bed and planted my feet on the floor.
*I let the jets pound over me for fifteen minutes and, afterward(,) felt a modicum of clarity returning.
*
This internal dialog should be in italics:
Was the whole damned town involved in an elaborate fraud? Only one way to find out.
Enjoyed reading you again this morning.
Wishing you a lovely day!
Hugs,
rd
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Hiya, Rama. Thank you for choosing to read my post on your short break. It's always great to get your insights and suggestions. Thanks for helping me tighten the chapter, too. I've used up all my review nominations for the month, otherwise you'd be getting a well-deserved nod.
Hugs, Bev
-
Thanks, love. I'm not eligible this month, anyway! One can win the ROm only ever second month. Thanks for your kind thought, though! I was glad to see you posting again. Feel free to send new chapters whenever you like. I've got some extra time coming up later this week. Tomorrow, I have to go for colonoscopy.
Hugs and Love,
rd
-
Thanks for letting me know you have an open schedule, Rama. I know that's a rare thing for you!
It's good they're checking the colon thoroughly, which can only really be done through the scope. I used to work for a surgeon who did those examinations and had one myself last month. The worst part is the prep--YUCK! Good luck and I hope this helps your doctors narrow down your treatment options.
Hugs, Bev
-
Thanks, dear. Yep--ready to prep in early a.m. Yes, it's nice to have some open schedule for a change. Right now, I've got four clients sending whole books sometime soon and a handful sending chapters and poems but there is no telling exactly when files will flow in, so the window is open for whatever interim the universe manifest! I'll be traveling to USA in end the Nov for six weeks. Amma is now in Europe. I may attend her retreat in Michigan. :)
Love, rd
-
Your stamina and energy really amazes me, Rama. I'm glad you have such a loyal group of writers. I'm sure they appreciate you as much as I do.
Hugs, Bev
-
Aw, thanks, dear, for your kind words. My energy is picking back up now. After one month on iron syrup, hemoglobin went from 9 to 10. Vit-B is stable too. :) But it's Amma's grace and shakti (spiritual energy) that fuels my work here.
As far as editing, it's amazing that, over the past few years, I've managed to work with over 70 clients...only s handful from FS. But all FS friends (like you, Av, Marietta, and about six or seven more) are among my favorites. After I told Amma about this editing work, I started getting more clients this past year and steady work...almost too much of it. It's nice to have a lull.
Hugs and love, rd
-
I've no doubt that your beloved Amma gives plentiful graces by just being in your presence. Energy expands and connects whether we realize it or not. I believe this is a most amazing gift from the universe. In return, Amma is filled up again as the Spiritual well is never really empty.
Seventy clients! Good for you, Rama. I'm grateful to be one of them.
XX Bev
-
Thanks for your super-gracious words and heart, dear friend. So kind of you. A master musician can make a broken instrument play concerts! Grateful for your sweetness, dear. Hugs, rd
Comment from royowen
Morales is still Believing that Pasquale has somehow hypnotised him into thinking that he is somehow controlling him, his vanity declares that he can't do that, the fact that he's on Xanax doesn't help, if he's going compliment it with others, he also thinks the whole towns in collusion, well done, well done, good scribing, you do these well. Bev, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
|
Morales is still Believing that Pasquale has somehow hypnotised him into thinking that he is somehow controlling him, his vanity declares that he can't do that, the fact that he's on Xanax doesn't help, if he's going compliment it with others, he also thinks the whole towns in collusion, well done, well done, good scribing, you do these well. Bev, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Hi, Roy. Thank you so much for this very helpful and most generous review. I'm so glad you've chosen to stick with my story. Means a lot to me!
:) Bev
-
Most welcome
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. I continue to find myself engrossed in your storytelling, my friend. Such great images you create, Bev:
"Her face lost all color, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. But I would not relent, and asked her to leave the apartment. We remained strictly colleagues for a few months and then, like two hands on a clock inexorably linked to the cycles of time, we fell back into our old relationship pattern. When I made plans to come to Mexico alone, Elise saw it as a deliberate distancing of my affection. She could not accept that this was an experience I needed to face alone.
Your dialogue is so believable too: ""Not necessary. I appreciate your concern, but I know at least one of the men."
"Buena. Puenta is just now entering the elevator. He should arrive momentarily."
"What? I'm not dressed yet."
Suggestion: (minor point but you don't want somone just coming along to think you can't spell right off the bat...even tho it is only a recap of the previous writing: Here: ", I hadled it as gingerly as a poison dart." (handled)
Bravo! Good job....keep it up, Bev. Bob
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
|
Hi, Bev. I continue to find myself engrossed in your storytelling, my friend. Such great images you create, Bev:
"Her face lost all color, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. But I would not relent, and asked her to leave the apartment. We remained strictly colleagues for a few months and then, like two hands on a clock inexorably linked to the cycles of time, we fell back into our old relationship pattern. When I made plans to come to Mexico alone, Elise saw it as a deliberate distancing of my affection. She could not accept that this was an experience I needed to face alone.
Your dialogue is so believable too: ""Not necessary. I appreciate your concern, but I know at least one of the men."
"Buena. Puenta is just now entering the elevator. He should arrive momentarily."
"What? I'm not dressed yet."
Suggestion: (minor point but you don't want somone just coming along to think you can't spell right off the bat...even tho it is only a recap of the previous writing: Here: ", I hadled it as gingerly as a poison dart." (handled)
Bravo! Good job....keep it up, Bev. Bob
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Hi, Bob
A great big thanks for your wonderful review. And, especially, for catching that spaggie. You're absolutely right about the not-spelling part!
It's interesting writing a short story as opposed to a novel. You have to consider different elements and the best way to deliver information in a compressed format. It's challenging, but with support from friends like you, I'm enjoying the process.
Have a great week, Bob!
XoX Bev
-
XX0 :) Bob
Comment from chasennov
A nest of spies. The Conjurer, Part Four.' This is another excellent chapter in your ongoing saga, Bev. It is a powerful story and is well written. Very well done.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
|
A nest of spies. The Conjurer, Part Four.' This is another excellent chapter in your ongoing saga, Bev. It is a powerful story and is well written. Very well done.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Hi, C. Thank you so much for this very supportive review. I appreciate it!
:) Bev
-
You are most welcome, Bev.
Comment from Jay Squires
The action in this is really starting to break wide open. You are taking this in a good direction, Bev.
I'd broken my own rule about excess drinking given the vitrio that surfaced when I did. [... given the VITRIOL that surfaced ...]
Imagining Elise wagging her finger beneath my nose, [I'm making a kind of ify judgment here, Bev, but you might want to strengthen your transition into the flashback, especially since it goes on for several paragraphs of dialogue and narrative. You exited it nicely. It was just that I got into the flashback wondering if perhaps I missed something and he had brought someone with him to Mexico after all. Again, just something to look at. No big flag.]
Lovin' it!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
|
The action in this is really starting to break wide open. You are taking this in a good direction, Bev.
I'd broken my own rule about excess drinking given the vitrio that surfaced when I did. [... given the VITRIOL that surfaced ...]
Imagining Elise wagging her finger beneath my nose, [I'm making a kind of ify judgment here, Bev, but you might want to strengthen your transition into the flashback, especially since it goes on for several paragraphs of dialogue and narrative. You exited it nicely. It was just that I got into the flashback wondering if perhaps I missed something and he had brought someone with him to Mexico after all. Again, just something to look at. No big flag.]
Lovin' it!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
-
Hi, Jay. Another reviewer mentioned that transition and I was going to address it this morning. I think you are both correct, and I appreciate the suggestion.
Thanks for your continued support and encouragement, Jay, not to mention your generosity. I appreciate it!
:) Bev
Comment from Joan E.
I was pleased to see Chapter Four pop up today, when I had time to read it fairly hot off the press, along with the striking artwork you chose. The "tourniquet" metaphor certainly gripped our attention in the opening paragraph. I admired your "last oar" and "clock" similes and also was "stunned by the warning" by the concierge. Thanks for crediting the Chicago chef with the special dish as well. The plot thickens... -Joan
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
|
I was pleased to see Chapter Four pop up today, when I had time to read it fairly hot off the press, along with the striking artwork you chose. The "tourniquet" metaphor certainly gripped our attention in the opening paragraph. I admired your "last oar" and "clock" similes and also was "stunned by the warning" by the concierge. Thanks for crediting the Chicago chef with the special dish as well. The plot thickens... -Joan
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
-
Hi, Joan. Thank you very much for this most encouraging and generous review. I really appreciate your continued interest in the story. Your insights are always so helpful and on target, making me really treasure a reviewer like you!
:) Bev
-
Many thanks for your kind and enthusiastic response. I hope this is the beginning of a pleasant and productive week and look forward to Chapter Five. Hugs- Joan
-
Thanks so much, Joan. I'm going to do a posting from a paranormal novel that's been in the works. With Halloween so close I can't resist. Doctor Morales will have to wait until next week.
Hugs, Bev
-
Thanks for the heads-up. I look forward to your timely, new creation. More hugs- Joan
-
Hi, Dawn. Thanks for coming back and making the excellent suggestions. You helped me see a better way to make that transition, and I appreciate it!
XX Bev
-
I believe you meant to send your response to Ideasaregems--she'll appreciate them. -Joan
-
Oops, sorry Joan. :))
Comment from Wabigoon
Writing--
I like how slowly you develop the situation here. Take the time to describe Stefano's hangover, his attack of the trots, the Xanax bit...though I was a bit discombobulated by the conversation with Elise, the flashback to their relationship. Still, I like all of this detail. Adds a lot. We know it is not Superman putting his somewhat shaky self into the hands of the miedo hombres.
One problem I noted:
She brought her hand () her mouth and gasped -- to, I assume
Thanks
Wabigoon/Jeff
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
|
Writing--
I like how slowly you develop the situation here. Take the time to describe Stefano's hangover, his attack of the trots, the Xanax bit...though I was a bit discombobulated by the conversation with Elise, the flashback to their relationship. Still, I like all of this detail. Adds a lot. We know it is not Superman putting his somewhat shaky self into the hands of the miedo hombres.
One problem I noted:
She brought her hand () her mouth and gasped -- to, I assume
Thanks
Wabigoon/Jeff
Comment Written 25-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2015
-
Hi, Jeff. Thank you so much for this very helpful review. I'm really going to consider your insight into the flashback with Elise. And I really appreciate you catching that missed word.
I wondered if the chapter was a bit slow, but I do like to develop my characters--something that's a holdover from also being a novelist. I'm glad that found it helpful in establishing Stefano's neuroses!
Again, thank for the support and generosity.
:) Bev
