Comment from EMB

Excellent

You make the same mistake that I mentioned to another flash fiction writer: For the most part, this reads like a report or biography, more so than a story. Halfway, you change this,though. Engagingly so. So good job on that part. :)

 Comment Written 02-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015

Thanks for the constructive criticism, and the generous rating :) Craig

Comment from Ric Myworld

Excellent

Yes, I would say that he should be more scared now than ever, because there is definitely no escape, no matter how far he runs away, it will always be there. LOL. Great story, and good luck. :-)

 Comment Written 29-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 29-Oct-2015

Thanks for the fun review, Ric, and the good wishes too. Much appreciated. Craig.

Comment from RKS2015

Exceptional

I'm a writer of horror & paranormal fiction so your title intrigued me. You grabbed my attention from the very beginning -- and then, lo & behold, you spun me off in a totally unpredictable direction. Absolutely loved it! Good luck with the contest.
Rita

 Comment Written 27-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Oct-2015

Hi Rita,
I'm so glad you liked my story. Thank you for the wonderful review, and the generous rating; both are greatly appreciated. I'm sorry I might have led you astray with the title (but that was kind of the intention, so not really). I like horror and paranormal stuff, so I look forward to seeing some of your work. Welcome to Fanstory :) All the best, Craig.

Comment from Louise Michelle

Excellent

LOL - this is an absolute hoot! With skill and attention to just the right amount of detail, you created a very engaging story. And that ending was hilarious. Well done. Hugs, Lou

 Comment Written 26-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015

Thanks, Lou, for the lovely review. The poor bloke never stood a chance ;-)
Your kind words are much appreciated.
Craig

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Excellent flash story with a good bit of misdirection, Craig. The setting is clear, the fear taken to the highest level possible and then the resolution is an I do. Love it. What a blast.

Just a couple of suggestions:

Sergeant Mark Lewis had encountered more horrifying experiences in the past few years than most men would endure in a hundred lifetimes. Remember this is flash fiction, Craig so you can trim many words, endure and encountered are very similar so one is enough in a single sentence.

Beads of sweat trickled from his hairline, running in rivulets down the nape of his neck.

Best wishes to you in the contest, my friend. This is really good.

Gloria

 Comment Written 25-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015

Thanks so much for the lovely review and the suggestions, which I have used. Much appreciated, Gloria :)

Comment from I am Cat

Excellent

Oh no you didn't! !!!!!!
Seriously?
Is that where you went with this?
His 'tormentor?" really?
Oh you wait until I send this to Jayne!
Really?
wow.

lololol.
That's funny!
I should have known it was far too serious to be true.
I thought... well, Craig is turning over a new leaf... he's writing some serious shit here....
and then... BOOYA!
what?
LOL

'I do" ?
omg.

this might just do it. I love it.

I only saw like two questions (I think that's what I copied up in that little box... hold on) ok, two...

He knew personally several men who had been in this position before.

This sentence seems as if it would work better if it said, "He personally knew several men who had been in this position before."
(or is it just me?)

(And) Lewis knew when their turn came, he would be powerless to help them.
(that sentence seems as if it doesn't need to start with the word 'and'... that makes it seems incomplete... either put a semi-colon in front of it and continue the other sentence, or just take out the 'and'... what do you think?)

;) other than that... great job.!
Good luck in this contest!
Cat

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2015

Hi Cat! Thanks for the fun review :)

Re the "personally" thing - It definitely sounds better to me the way I wrote it. I'm going to raise this in the forum, because the fact that two people whose opinions I value greatly think it's wrong tells me I should change it (which I will). But other examples I can think of tell me my way sounds better lol

As for the "and", consider it gone! Many thanks for spotting that. It seems to be a favourite trap of mine to fall into - believe it or not, I had removed at least one other before I published.

Btw.... just in case there is any confusion (or Jayne is looking over my shoulder watching me type).... my reference to "tormentor" was describing the vicar, not the bride!

As always, your assessment is very, very much appreciated and welcomed.

Craig.

Comment from ~Dovey

Excellent

Hi Craig!

I thought this was quite clever for the "fear" contest. It is well gauged in the delivery of suspense and I enjoyed the attention to detail. If I were to make a suggestion, the only thing that struck me is that he outranks the men you describe as his best friends. In the aspect of military protocol I think that would be a rare thing. It is absolutely the only thing I would consider changing about this piece. Good luck in the contest! :)

Kim

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2015

Hi Kim,

Thanks for the great review. I take your point about the army rank thing, although I think that it is feasible that these three should be friends since they are all enlisted men and none are officers. The problem is that I want them to be seen as buddies through working closely together, and that might be unlikely if they were all sergeants? I don't want it to sound like I think I'm an expert on military things - clearly I'm not, but that's how my thinking was going. You may well be right (no, you can't have that in writing ;-) ).

Much appreciation,
Craig.

Comment from --Turtle.

Excellent

Hi Craig,

I read through this flash piece. What I liked, you had a good ending that wasn't immediately obvious, but was a believable Ah,ha changeup. The title had me thinking about ghost stories at first, and when a woman came into mention I started getting the picture of marriage, and how this horrible tragedy befalling the brave Sergent is him getting hitched. Strong details, using war phasing and verbiage that paint the pov in a hero's light that gives a curiosity at what he was afraid of.

for the first time he could remember, absolutely terrified.
(The beginning half of this flash did a good job of painting Mark as not a man to be easily frightened... a man who faced some serious experiences, and there is the possibility that what he faces now is military related)

He knew personally several men who had been in this position before
(He personally knew several? not sure, I paused on the adverb after in this case)

"I love a woman who can kick my butt" sort of way.
(I smiled at this, I started thinking in a romantic way here, that there wasn't a supernatural going with this flash about here,)

his best friends in this world --Private First Class John Munro and Corporal Alan Newcombe-- standing(stood)? feet away, each waiting their turn, silently
(because of the semicolon before this sentence ... I was waiting for a non-ing verb and there wasn't one.)

how they would behave(react?) when their time [had come](came)?.
(I'm not sure... behave might be right, but I paused on it)

His mind raced through (the)? dozens of scenarios he had practised repeatedly

at the door. The heavy stone walls [seemed to be closing in](closed in) on him as
(I tend to recommend limiting 'to be' verbs, especially in flash, tighter prose)

he felt the darkness creeping into his mind. (as darkness crept)
(darkness? If a few of the filtering words are tightened, you might have a little room to elaborate on the scary part of getting married, more darkness and gloom, is it just the claustrophobic kind of darkness, or the end of all freedom? )

away, [ ]firing questions at him like they were missiles--
(nice comparison of questions to a weapon, I liked that comparison)

Finally, Mark Lewis could take no more. [He realized] there was no escape, and he
(one thing I was contemplating as I read through this flash, you opted to use a lot of filtering words. I just read this article a few days ago, so it's fresh in my mind, and these last few days I've been seeing filtering words everywhere. So I offer it for your consideration.

http://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/

The POV stays secure with the filtering type words, but the opportunity for tighter prose is there too. Things I think of when I hear flash... Everything told to the reader has to funnel them towards the ending. I think the information you gave did that, but there might be an arm's length push from the reader getting closer to Mark with the filtered words. His end might have been hidden stronger if the reader was standing at a less objective distance from him, got a few more comparison, got some additional panicky comparisons from closer to him.

I don't know if any of what I'm saying makes any sense. And really, my confidence level has been weakened as a reviewer these last few weeks.

If I were to write a fear flash, I think it would involve reviewing.

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2015

Hi Turtle,

There's a fair bit in this to consider, so I'm going to print it out and chip away at it over the next day or two (unfortunately, other less pleasant tasks must take precedence). Thanks so much for the time you have spent with this. I for one always appreciate the trouble to which you go with your reviews (as the reviewer votes would suggest). I don't know why you would be having doubts.

Thanks for your continued help and support.

Craig

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

I was so engrossed in thinking he was a captive of an enemy of some sort, but I knew the Kurds weren't enemy, so that had me confused. Then in the end I find out he's getting married.
That added quite a twist and everything made perfect sense.

I enjoyed your writing style. Excellent descriptions and knowledge of the war in the Middle East.

Good luck in the contest, Craig.

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2015

Thanks, Ellen, for the lovely review. I'm glad that you appreciated the twist - nothing as humdrum as a war would have got this guy trembling in his boots :) Much appreciated, Craig.

Comment from doggymad

Excellent

Great write, full of tension and vivid images. The fear was evident from the out set and held my attention through out.

One observation though, which I don't think can be altered. The ending can actually be seen on the page, which gives the reader a hint as to what is about to happen.

Best of luck with this in the contest

 Comment Written 24-Oct-2015

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reply by the author on 24-Oct-2015

Thank you, doggymad, for the fine review, and for your good wishes. I'm not aware of anything I can do to make the ending appear on another page - if I'm understanding you correctly? Thanks again,
Craig.

reply by doggymad on 24-Oct-2015

Hi Craig, I imagine that you would have to increase spacing. Perhaps it is more obvious to me as I wrote something similar a few days ago. No way as tense and full of fear as yours might I add.
hugs
Freda