The Chantress of Williamsburg
Short Story15 total reviews
Comment from JTStone
That was a classic tale, you're right the ending was a bit obvious and abrupt. But other than that, it was a fascinating story that held my attention through out.
The characters seemed real, the dialog was easy. The setting was well described, well the old cemetery that wasn't anymore any way.
My only problem is that it ended too soon or needs another part. What happens to Brad, Nikki and the other Williamsburg youth?
JT
  |
That was a classic tale, you're right the ending was a bit obvious and abrupt. But other than that, it was a fascinating story that held my attention through out.
The characters seemed real, the dialog was easy. The setting was well described, well the old cemetery that wasn't anymore any way.
My only problem is that it ended too soon or needs another part. What happens to Brad, Nikki and the other Williamsburg youth?
JT
Comment Written 26-Sep-2015
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
wow the expert at it again.
Very nicely done. No problems noted and I loved the story line.
Great introduction, very informative middle, and a wild ride for an end.
|
wow the expert at it again.
Very nicely done. No problems noted and I loved the story line.
Great introduction, very informative middle, and a wild ride for an end.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story. It would be a good start to a book. The kids made a great mistake. I think the ghosts do not want to let their hosts out to play. They will certainly cause conflict with the older generations. Maybe that is still the trouble. Great work.
 |
I love the story. It would be a good start to a book. The kids made a great mistake. I think the ghosts do not want to let their hosts out to play. They will certainly cause conflict with the older generations. Maybe that is still the trouble. Great work.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
Comment from jpduck
A good tale well told, I thought.
Some suggestions and a SPAG:
'Linda's eyes grew larger and she ceased to breathe as well' (this is enigmatic. Do you mean 'as well' in the sense of 'also' or 'so effectively'. If the former, then it's just not needed. If the latter, then I think you need to find an alternative phrase to avoid the confusion).
'Eleanor gazed deeply into Linda's eyes and whispered", take me home now' (Quote marks in wrong position).
'Folks that Linda knew by other names began answering to new names, she remained silent, to her a wise response' (I'm not sure what you mean by 'to her wise response'; it doesn't make sense to me. Do you mean 'wisely remained silent'? That would make sense).
' "What? They'll think I'm ready for the nut house." ' (It would seem unlikely that 'nut house' was current English at the time from which Eleanor derives. But she seems to understand it. Odd. I would recommend changing it to 'mad house').
Adrian
|
A good tale well told, I thought.
Some suggestions and a SPAG:
'Linda's eyes grew larger and she ceased to breathe as well' (this is enigmatic. Do you mean 'as well' in the sense of 'also' or 'so effectively'. If the former, then it's just not needed. If the latter, then I think you need to find an alternative phrase to avoid the confusion).
'Eleanor gazed deeply into Linda's eyes and whispered", take me home now' (Quote marks in wrong position).
'Folks that Linda knew by other names began answering to new names, she remained silent, to her a wise response' (I'm not sure what you mean by 'to her wise response'; it doesn't make sense to me. Do you mean 'wisely remained silent'? That would make sense).
' "What? They'll think I'm ready for the nut house." ' (It would seem unlikely that 'nut house' was current English at the time from which Eleanor derives. But she seems to understand it. Odd. I would recommend changing it to 'mad house').
Adrian
Comment Written 24-Sep-2015
Comment from Sasha
You did a great job with this. I don't believe in ghosts...not usually...but this story gave me the shivers. You even got in some humor. Excellent entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
|
You did a great job with this. I don't believe in ghosts...not usually...but this story gave me the shivers. You even got in some humor. Excellent entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
Comment from Neonewman
Well I was certainly mesmerized by this well crafted story! You have an alternate ending you say ? Or was misreading the author notes? If so, I would love to hear it! I looked at this contest and wondered craft would come of it! Brad sure was a typical hungry pain in the ass lol>
God bless and good luck in the contest.
Steve
|
Well I was certainly mesmerized by this well crafted story! You have an alternate ending you say ? Or was misreading the author notes? If so, I would love to hear it! I looked at this contest and wondered craft would come of it! Brad sure was a typical hungry pain in the ass lol>
God bless and good luck in the contest.
Steve
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
Comment from Nosha17
I thought the ending was appropriate as it is a short story and you could have gone on and on. It also leaves the ending a bit open to speculation. Good dialogue, well drawn characters, excellent portrayal of the supernatural and strong story line. Your descriptions were good, with a nice touch of humour. Good luck in the contest. Faye
|
I thought the ending was appropriate as it is a short story and you could have gone on and on. It also leaves the ending a bit open to speculation. Good dialogue, well drawn characters, excellent portrayal of the supernatural and strong story line. Your descriptions were good, with a nice touch of humour. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
Comment from Michaelk
I loved it! It's been waaaaaay too long since you wrote prose. (Come back from the dark side, poetry has nothing to offer) :)
Your characters were spot on emotionally for three teenage friends. The irony is that the girl who wanted to see what would happen ended up in a trance and the one who didn't care ends up as the queen of the ghosts.
I'd love to see more of this story. This would be one interesting Friday night. And what would happen if someone else discovers what's going on?
I was think there is so much potential for this story that it's almost a shame to cut it off here.
Well done. Me want more.
|
I loved it! It's been waaaaaay too long since you wrote prose. (Come back from the dark side, poetry has nothing to offer) :)
Your characters were spot on emotionally for three teenage friends. The irony is that the girl who wanted to see what would happen ended up in a trance and the one who didn't care ends up as the queen of the ghosts.
I'd love to see more of this story. This would be one interesting Friday night. And what would happen if someone else discovers what's going on?
I was think there is so much potential for this story that it's almost a shame to cut it off here.
Well done. Me want more.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
Comment from Linda Engel
Creative take on this photo and an exciting twist in the middle when Eleanor reveals that she was not the only one released. Linda seems to like the new youth of her little town. I bet the parents will , too.
Friday night date night, I wonder how the newly released are going to like hamburgers and fries. lol
Good one Mike and good luck in the contest.
|
Creative take on this photo and an exciting twist in the middle when Eleanor reveals that she was not the only one released. Linda seems to like the new youth of her little town. I bet the parents will , too.
Friday night date night, I wonder how the newly released are going to like hamburgers and fries. lol
Good one Mike and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015
Comment from ellie6
Well. you've done it again. This is a masterpiece if imagination. Well deserving of a vote or two (or three) . I looked at the prompt, but my mind stayed blank,
ellie
|
Well. you've done it again. This is a masterpiece if imagination. Well deserving of a vote or two (or three) . I looked at the prompt, but my mind stayed blank,
ellie
Comment Written 23-Sep-2015