Tales Of Darkness And Light
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Come Mourning Night"Finding Light Through Shadowed Paths
27 total reviews
Comment from GregoryCody
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky,
Nice assonance
and moon will drape himself in cloak of black. Great
Devoid of light, my dreams are bound to die. FANTASTIC LINE
The requiem of darkness makes me sigh - again fantastic
my life's like smoke, where hopes begin to slack.
Great assonance in life/like and smoke/hope!
Come mourning night...no star will grace the sky.
In sorrow, thoughts turn vague, and tend to fly
away with shadows sly...thus fall on track
devoid of light - my dreams are bound to die.
Great alliteration in D and S
The time is still, its sound appears to lie
in wait - this sudden silence hard to hack.
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky.
My soul is lost somewhere, I can't deny - oooh nice
the will to search its spark is what I lack. Again nice!
Devoid of light...my dreams are bound to die.
With nothing left, I cease - the end draws nigh;
null eyes now sleep, too scared of looking back. Great line
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky.
Devoid of light, my dreams are bound to die.
You have some incredible flow! I love your phrasing, your choices of words. The refrains were perfect and sounded very natural.
Bravo my friend, loved it. Well deserved.
Tough competition for sure! :)
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
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Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky,
Nice assonance
and moon will drape himself in cloak of black. Great
Devoid of light, my dreams are bound to die. FANTASTIC LINE
The requiem of darkness makes me sigh - again fantastic
my life's like smoke, where hopes begin to slack.
Great assonance in life/like and smoke/hope!
Come mourning night...no star will grace the sky.
In sorrow, thoughts turn vague, and tend to fly
away with shadows sly...thus fall on track
devoid of light - my dreams are bound to die.
Great alliteration in D and S
The time is still, its sound appears to lie
in wait - this sudden silence hard to hack.
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky.
My soul is lost somewhere, I can't deny - oooh nice
the will to search its spark is what I lack. Again nice!
Devoid of light...my dreams are bound to die.
With nothing left, I cease - the end draws nigh;
null eyes now sleep, too scared of looking back. Great line
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky.
Devoid of light, my dreams are bound to die.
You have some incredible flow! I love your phrasing, your choices of words. The refrains were perfect and sounded very natural.
Bravo my friend, loved it. Well deserved.
Tough competition for sure! :)
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
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Thanks for your wonderful and thoughtful review, Gregory! I'm glad to know you found the refrain lines effective, and the flow fluid. I appreciate your comments. Thanks for the glowing stars, too. :)
Yes, the competition is getting tougher now. ;)
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from sgalletti
What a beautiful Villanelle, Anupam! The subject of death is always intriguing to me and you treat the subject with such unique imagery and thought-provoking ideas. Technically, your poem is excellent. All your 'b' lines rhyme and your refrain lines are repeated where they need to be. This is a very difficult form and to move the lines around, while still creating enjambment and having the lines make sense in their new contexts is not an easy job! There are some excellent entries in this contest, and yours is among the best. Good luck in the contest. Sue
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
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What a beautiful Villanelle, Anupam! The subject of death is always intriguing to me and you treat the subject with such unique imagery and thought-provoking ideas. Technically, your poem is excellent. All your 'b' lines rhyme and your refrain lines are repeated where they need to be. This is a very difficult form and to move the lines around, while still creating enjambment and having the lines make sense in their new contexts is not an easy job! There are some excellent entries in this contest, and yours is among the best. Good luck in the contest. Sue
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2015
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sue, and for the shining stars as well. This form is a bit tricky but I enjoyed writing this Villanelle, especially the refrains. Some earlier entires had taken up my favorite themes (including you hehe!) so this one came to my mind. Yes, the competition is really tough. ;)
Thanks for your warm wishes!
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, Anupan.
Excellent artwork and general presentation, my talented friend.
Memorable repeated lines that fit seamlessly into the different parts of your top class villanelle.
Top examples of enjambment.
Unforced and appropriate rhymes.
My one minor nit-pick is the use of, 'too scared', as it doesn't seem to meet the other excellent poetic and imaginative vocabulary. Maybe, 'afraid' instead to still retain the meter which is impeccable throughout.
Depressed mood excellently expressed in top metaphors without being boringly morose.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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Hi, Anupan.
Excellent artwork and general presentation, my talented friend.
Memorable repeated lines that fit seamlessly into the different parts of your top class villanelle.
Top examples of enjambment.
Unforced and appropriate rhymes.
My one minor nit-pick is the use of, 'too scared', as it doesn't seem to meet the other excellent poetic and imaginative vocabulary. Maybe, 'afraid' instead to still retain the meter which is impeccable throughout.
Depressed mood excellently expressed in top metaphors without being boringly morose.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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Thanks for your thoughtful and positive review, Ray. I like the suggestion you've offered, and would replace 'too scared' with 'afraid' once the prompt gets closed. Not sure if I should edit it now as the voting is going on. It was a bit tricky working with this form but enjoyable as well. Thanks for your warm wishes, too!
Regards,
Anupam (Platonic kisses back hehe)
Thanks for the wonderful compliment you wrote in the PM. I would say I'm still learning. The credit goes to all the generous and talented poets and reviewers here. :)
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No probs, Anupam.
We're ALL 'still learning' - well, at least those who are willing to listen, and try to. :-)
I'm very flattered you thought my humble suggestion worthwhile.
Cheers, Ray.
Comment from lightink
An absolutely beautiful poem that conveys intense emotions! You use rich vocabulary, and the darkness of the emotions is painted with a cosmic charm and painful yet romantic images! Masterfully penned with flawless meter!
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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An absolutely beautiful poem that conveys intense emotions! You use rich vocabulary, and the darkness of the emotions is painted with a cosmic charm and painful yet romantic images! Masterfully penned with flawless meter!
Comment Written 03-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2015
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Thanks for the wonderful review and comments, lightink! Glad you liked the imagery and emotions. It was fun writing a Villanelle. I guess you posted your entry late in the night, and I finally managed to log in now! Will head to review yours soon. Have a great day ahead!
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from Pantygynt
An excellent Villanelle this. The requirements for this competition are that it be written in iambic trimeter, tetrameter or pentameter. I'm not sure why as a villanelle is not normally restricted this way, any rhythm being acceptable. Be that as it may, you have elected togo down the pentametric route with only one glitch away from total perfection,
"in wait - this sudden silence's hard to hack."
Silence's is three syllables and destroys the rhythm - you can feel it when you try to read it aloud. The sense of what you want to say is still there were you to write,
"in wait - this sudden silence hard to hack."
On the other hand if you really feel the need for the verb what about,
"in wait - this sudden hush is hard to hack." Getting your alliteration on the H rather than the S.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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An excellent Villanelle this. The requirements for this competition are that it be written in iambic trimeter, tetrameter or pentameter. I'm not sure why as a villanelle is not normally restricted this way, any rhythm being acceptable. Be that as it may, you have elected togo down the pentametric route with only one glitch away from total perfection,
"in wait - this sudden silence's hard to hack."
Silence's is three syllables and destroys the rhythm - you can feel it when you try to read it aloud. The sense of what you want to say is still there were you to write,
"in wait - this sudden silence hard to hack."
On the other hand if you really feel the need for the verb what about,
"in wait - this sudden hush is hard to hack." Getting your alliteration on the H rather than the S.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Thanks for reading and reviewing, Pantygynt! I guess it's because of those S sounds that everyone felt it's two syllables there. I'll have "sudden silence hard to hack" in that line, so as to avoid any confusion. Have a great day!
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hi "The death" I enjoyed this dark gem of a write here. "My soul is lost somewhere, the will to search its spark is what I lack" This is the most profound line of your write. Perhaps, its not the will you lack rather its the peace of mind you have over soul having a go on its own. The soul on cruise control my friend. Effective story flow. Take care and cheers.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Hi "The death" I enjoyed this dark gem of a write here. "My soul is lost somewhere, the will to search its spark is what I lack" This is the most profound line of your write. Perhaps, its not the will you lack rather its the peace of mind you have over soul having a go on its own. The soul on cruise control my friend. Effective story flow. Take care and cheers.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Hi Benjamin,
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. Glad you enjoyed the content as well as flow. Much appreciated. Have a great day ahead.
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from rama devi
WOW...this is eloquent, deep and well-crafted in terms of meter, rhyme and imagery. Great flow of lines and smooth enjambments. Fine smattering of alliteration and other phonetic resonances--making this sound super read aloud. Tongue candy phrases, like 'no star will grace the sky' in line one work well in counterpoint with stronger tones, like the consonance of C-K in clock and black. I LOVE the ironic word choice (spelling) or MOURNING night! The requiem of darkness makes me sigh is such a wonderfully phrased line. I know some syllable counters say requiem is three syllables and some say two...but when I read it aloud, I hear it as three, so I recommend keeping it there.
Such a sad poem. I think many people, especially those who suffer from depression, can relate to the feelings expressed here.
NOTES
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky,
and moon will drape himself in cloak of black.
Great alliteration of D here, and B with line above it:
Devoid of light, my dreams are bound to die.
This rhyme is good but sounds ever so slightly forced because, grammatically (i think) the word would be slacken. However, I think poetic license makes it work:
my life's like smoke, where hopes begin to slack.
Great combination of alliterative S and consonant K sounds between smoke and slack.
Well phrased and nice internal rhyme:
In sorrow, thoughts turn vague, and tend to fly
away with shadows sly...thus fall on track
Not sure why this line has a dash whereas the previous one has a comma:
devoid of light - my dreams are bound to die.
These lines are so clever:
The time is still, its sound appears to lie
in wait - this sudden silence's hard to hack.
The enjambment allows for a double meaning: sound appears to lie and sound appears to lie in wait.
Great alliteration and consonance of S (and soft C) and alliteration of H and consonance of L---yummy lines. Eloquent.
Fine alliteration of N here and L too:
With nothing left, I cease - the end draws nigh;
null eyes now sleep, too scared of looking back.
I was hoping for a transformation in tone...for a flash of inner light to illuminate the darkness...but the poem is more powerful ending on a hopeless and dark note.
Sending you luminescent vibes. Good luck in the contest. Due to the eloquence, this is a contender for my vote.
Warmly, rd
PS- thanks for the author's notes. I'd no idea that Villanelles had a common theme of love, loss and challenges...interesting!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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WOW...this is eloquent, deep and well-crafted in terms of meter, rhyme and imagery. Great flow of lines and smooth enjambments. Fine smattering of alliteration and other phonetic resonances--making this sound super read aloud. Tongue candy phrases, like 'no star will grace the sky' in line one work well in counterpoint with stronger tones, like the consonance of C-K in clock and black. I LOVE the ironic word choice (spelling) or MOURNING night! The requiem of darkness makes me sigh is such a wonderfully phrased line. I know some syllable counters say requiem is three syllables and some say two...but when I read it aloud, I hear it as three, so I recommend keeping it there.
Such a sad poem. I think many people, especially those who suffer from depression, can relate to the feelings expressed here.
NOTES
Come mourning night, no star will grace the sky,
and moon will drape himself in cloak of black.
Great alliteration of D here, and B with line above it:
Devoid of light, my dreams are bound to die.
This rhyme is good but sounds ever so slightly forced because, grammatically (i think) the word would be slacken. However, I think poetic license makes it work:
my life's like smoke, where hopes begin to slack.
Great combination of alliterative S and consonant K sounds between smoke and slack.
Well phrased and nice internal rhyme:
In sorrow, thoughts turn vague, and tend to fly
away with shadows sly...thus fall on track
Not sure why this line has a dash whereas the previous one has a comma:
devoid of light - my dreams are bound to die.
These lines are so clever:
The time is still, its sound appears to lie
in wait - this sudden silence's hard to hack.
The enjambment allows for a double meaning: sound appears to lie and sound appears to lie in wait.
Great alliteration and consonance of S (and soft C) and alliteration of H and consonance of L---yummy lines. Eloquent.
Fine alliteration of N here and L too:
With nothing left, I cease - the end draws nigh;
null eyes now sleep, too scared of looking back.
I was hoping for a transformation in tone...for a flash of inner light to illuminate the darkness...but the poem is more powerful ending on a hopeless and dark note.
Sending you luminescent vibes. Good luck in the contest. Due to the eloquence, this is a contender for my vote.
Warmly, rd
PS- thanks for the author's notes. I'd no idea that Villanelles had a common theme of love, loss and challenges...interesting!
Comment Written 02-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Thanks for this WONDERFUL review, dear friend. I'm delighted to know you liked its every aspect. Those glowing stars hold a special value. :)
But what made this review mode special wa that you noticed the two things I had intended to do. First, of course, is the irony in "Mourning night"--sounds so similar to " morning light" but drastically opposite in meaning. Also, I was keen to see if someone would point out about how enjambment can lead to two different meanings in those lines. I smiled when I saw your comments about those. :)
I checked the stanza in which you mentioned about the dash:
In sorrow, thoughts turn vague, and tend to fly
away with shadows sly...thus fall on track
devoid of light - my dreams are bound to die.
I haven't used a comma after "track" and the sentence continues in the next line. I always provide a glimpse of hope in the end, but the refrain lines were too dark to carry any light...so decided to end it this way. Glad to know it worked well. Thanks for another superb review! :)
Regards,
Anupam
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Thanks for your gracious response, as always, dear friend. So happy you're happy I noticed those two things. Yes, I understood that the closing lines had to be the repeating lines--meant to mention that! :)
Warm Regards, rd
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I love the line-'come mourning night, no star will grace the sky'.... I've been there and I know how it feels. It is funny to me that you call the moon he and I call the moon her. You've done an awesome job with this villanelle, it is so dark and sorrowful yet beautiful and romantic. I love it!
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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I love the line-'come mourning night, no star will grace the sky'.... I've been there and I know how it feels. It is funny to me that you call the moon he and I call the moon her. You've done an awesome job with this villanelle, it is so dark and sorrowful yet beautiful and romantic. I love it!
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Thanks for your lovely comments and kind rating! I'm glad you found the content appealing. Yes, we personify moon differently. :) When I use "Luna" in place of "moon", I use " her". Thanks again!
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from LeannaP
Devoid of light,
I love how you constructed this line.
I believe you have the essentials
to really become a well known writer.
You used black and white backdrop
for this read and I thought that was creative and smart
to explain such a poem as this
Excellent!
Leanna
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Devoid of light,
I love how you constructed this line.
I believe you have the essentials
to really become a well known writer.
You used black and white backdrop
for this read and I thought that was creative and smart
to explain such a poem as this
Excellent!
Leanna
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2015
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Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Leanna. I appreciate your encouraging comments. Glad you liked this. Have a wonderful week ahead.
Regards,
Anupam
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Hi Anupam,
you are so welcome!
Leanna
Comment from starkat
Beautifully written Villanelle that follows all the rules of this form. The theme of coming/imminent death is poetically rendered with fascinating imagery and metaphor. There is a sense of hopelessness and sadness that many of us will experience as our dreams are bound to die and no more stars will grace the sky. From our perspective, this is true for us and others who we've witnessed die. There is finality as our bodies will become dust. Perhaps there will be a transformation to something else, though that isn't guaranteed. True transformation (someone famous once said) requires our willingness to become nothing for a while. The caterpillar crawls into the cocoon and becomes nothing for a while until it emerges as a butterfly. Life has many mysteries and metaphors.
Anyway, this is an outstanding poem and example of a Villanelle. Your poem should do well in the contest.
Also, Congratulations on winning the ABC Poetry contest! Another beautifully written poem with superbly chosen words. You are a wordsmith, extraordinaire.
Wishing you the best. Cheers ... ;o)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Beautifully written Villanelle that follows all the rules of this form. The theme of coming/imminent death is poetically rendered with fascinating imagery and metaphor. There is a sense of hopelessness and sadness that many of us will experience as our dreams are bound to die and no more stars will grace the sky. From our perspective, this is true for us and others who we've witnessed die. There is finality as our bodies will become dust. Perhaps there will be a transformation to something else, though that isn't guaranteed. True transformation (someone famous once said) requires our willingness to become nothing for a while. The caterpillar crawls into the cocoon and becomes nothing for a while until it emerges as a butterfly. Life has many mysteries and metaphors.
Anyway, this is an outstanding poem and example of a Villanelle. Your poem should do well in the contest.
Also, Congratulations on winning the ABC Poetry contest! Another beautifully written poem with superbly chosen words. You are a wordsmith, extraordinaire.
Wishing you the best. Cheers ... ;o)
Comment Written 01-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2015
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Wow! Thanks for this detailed and insightful review, starkat! I'm delighted to see how well you could connect to the theme and the imagery, metaphor. I loved reading your thoughts about the life and its inevitable destination. Almost everyone sees death as something ominous and dark...but for me, it's more about "light"...that might be waiting to embrace one. I appreciate all your lovely comments and the warm wishes, too. So please you found it worth giving six-stars. Your comments made my evening shimmery. :)
Enjoy the day!
Regards,
Anupam