Fall
As seasons meet, it's bittersweet.2 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
I enjoyed the whimsy and imagination in this personification poem penned in ABC style and finely presented. Enjoyed the concept of ballerina steps of leaves. I suggest using a comma in line one instead of a semicolon (for grammatical accuracy).
As red, yellow, and orange came down;(,)
Ballerina steps touched the ground.
Also, for grammatical fluidity, consider revising this line:
Called the wind, "whoosh."
I stumbled on the line at first, not sure if you meant the wind was calling WHOOSH or was BEING CALLED whoosh. The reverse syntax is awkward, In my opinion.
I am also unsure if the last two lines are mean to be linked or separate, so I recommend either a comma or period there:
Daring taunts summer sang,
Promising, in fall's cool rain.
or
Daring taunts summer sang.
Promising, in fall's cool rain.
The use of a gerund in the last line leads me to think you meant it to continue the sentence. However, in terms of intended meaning, I believe it makes more sense that falls' cool rain is promising...not that summer's taunts sing promise. Right?
If that's the case, then I recommend a stronger edit. Something like:
Daring taunts summer sang.
Promise comes in fall's cool rain.
As you can see, I'm having trouble interpreting your poem, and that;s after multiple reads with concentration. So I think it needs tweaking (not just for punctuation), thus the four stars.
I'd love to see this tweaked and fined tuned...and then I'll be glad to make a second review. This is highly unique and has potential to do well in the contest (if tweaked) in my opinion.
Lovely work.
Enjoyed!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
I enjoyed the whimsy and imagination in this personification poem penned in ABC style and finely presented. Enjoyed the concept of ballerina steps of leaves. I suggest using a comma in line one instead of a semicolon (for grammatical accuracy).
As red, yellow, and orange came down;(,)
Ballerina steps touched the ground.
Also, for grammatical fluidity, consider revising this line:
Called the wind, "whoosh."
I stumbled on the line at first, not sure if you meant the wind was calling WHOOSH or was BEING CALLED whoosh. The reverse syntax is awkward, In my opinion.
I am also unsure if the last two lines are mean to be linked or separate, so I recommend either a comma or period there:
Daring taunts summer sang,
Promising, in fall's cool rain.
or
Daring taunts summer sang.
Promising, in fall's cool rain.
The use of a gerund in the last line leads me to think you meant it to continue the sentence. However, in terms of intended meaning, I believe it makes more sense that falls' cool rain is promising...not that summer's taunts sing promise. Right?
If that's the case, then I recommend a stronger edit. Something like:
Daring taunts summer sang.
Promise comes in fall's cool rain.
As you can see, I'm having trouble interpreting your poem, and that;s after multiple reads with concentration. So I think it needs tweaking (not just for punctuation), thus the four stars.
I'd love to see this tweaked and fined tuned...and then I'll be glad to make a second review. This is highly unique and has potential to do well in the contest (if tweaked) in my opinion.
Lovely work.
Enjoyed!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 27-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Rama, I'm so glad you reviewed my poem. You are always so helpful, and I tried to make these changes. LOL!
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Thanks, Donniann...on my way for a second review. :)
Comment from kiwijenny
As red, yellow, and orange came down;
Ballerina steps touched the ground.
Well penned I love the ballerina steps
And the artwork is great
I love the fall...best time of the year
God bless
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
|
As red, yellow, and orange came down;
Ballerina steps touched the ground.
Well penned I love the ballerina steps
And the artwork is great
I love the fall...best time of the year
God bless
Comment Written 27-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
-
I thank you so much for the encouraging review:) LOL