Snippets
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Last Ride"A collection of 150 word, or less, short stories
7 total reviews
Comment from Debbie Noland
I like the atmosphere you create with this piece---a foreboding that sets up the irony of this good man meeting a cruel and undeserved fate.
One thing I would like to see is the nature of the specific occasion he is out for on this evening. The very general third sentence of your opening paragraph might say instead something like "Tonight the Hadleys' baby had run a high fever and suffered seizures . . . ."
In Paragraph 2 you don't need "he was on" to describe road. In Paragraphs 3 and 4, a comma after the opening phrase or clause in the first sentences would offer a pause and help separate ideas appropriately (after "it" and "out"). Then, instead of "Upon answering," say "When she answered," to avoid the dangling participle there.
I think the RIP at the end should be left off, as it negates the power of that closing image of the wife alone for this and all future breakfasts.
All that said, I find yours the best of these contest entries I have read so far. The designated words are incorporated naturally and effectively. You put a good little story together, with a memorable character and situation, in a short amount of time.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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I like the atmosphere you create with this piece---a foreboding that sets up the irony of this good man meeting a cruel and undeserved fate.
One thing I would like to see is the nature of the specific occasion he is out for on this evening. The very general third sentence of your opening paragraph might say instead something like "Tonight the Hadleys' baby had run a high fever and suffered seizures . . . ."
In Paragraph 2 you don't need "he was on" to describe road. In Paragraphs 3 and 4, a comma after the opening phrase or clause in the first sentences would offer a pause and help separate ideas appropriately (after "it" and "out"). Then, instead of "Upon answering," say "When she answered," to avoid the dangling participle there.
I think the RIP at the end should be left off, as it negates the power of that closing image of the wife alone for this and all future breakfasts.
All that said, I find yours the best of these contest entries I have read so far. The designated words are incorporated naturally and effectively. You put a good little story together, with a memorable character and situation, in a short amount of time.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them always.
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Without noticing, it the good Reverend (comma and delete, 'it')
Before Reverend Cardinal blacked out, he (use of a comma)
Hi, riveting story. Guess it was just his time and allowed to make one last phone call. Good luck and cheers.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Without noticing, it the good Reverend (comma and delete, 'it')
Before Reverend Cardinal blacked out, he (use of a comma)
Hi, riveting story. Guess it was just his time and allowed to make one last phone call. Good luck and cheers.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support.
Comment from Joan E.
The dramatic photograph you selected established the mood well for your short story. You wove in the required words seamlessly. The second paragraph foreshadows the tragic events, and the final sentence is poignant. Best wishes in the contest- Joan
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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The dramatic photograph you selected established the mood well for your short story. You wove in the required words seamlessly. The second paragraph foreshadows the tragic events, and the final sentence is poignant. Best wishes in the contest- Joan
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from rod007
A well written short story that tells the misfortune of the Reverand. But what I like most about this tale is the stark, compelling and shocking image of his wife eating breakfast alone for the rest of her life. Good luck in the contest. Well done, Brett.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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A well written short story that tells the misfortune of the Reverand. But what I like most about this tale is the stark, compelling and shocking image of his wife eating breakfast alone for the rest of her life. Good luck in the contest. Well done, Brett.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015
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That would be the natural result. Appreciate your comments and support indeed.
Comment from sibhus
A well written piece of flash, and you have included the required words with an ease that flows with the story, without being obvious. Sad to see that a well respected clergy man has passed, but unfortunately such is life. this makes for a good slice of life story, and makes for an excellent addition to the contest. Good luck.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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A well written piece of flash, and you have included the required words with an ease that flows with the story, without being obvious. Sad to see that a well respected clergy man has passed, but unfortunately such is life. this makes for a good slice of life story, and makes for an excellent addition to the contest. Good luck.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from papa55mike
Great job and very well written. The picture is perfect and helps tell the story.
Most of the time real life is more frightening than any monster.
Have a great weekend and God bless, mike.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Great job and very well written. The picture is perfect and helps tell the story.
Most of the time real life is more frightening than any monster.
Have a great weekend and God bless, mike.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from anabellapongasi
This is fiction, right? I think you did a pretty good job of using the given words in this sad story. The story flowed smoothly. Very well written. Good luck in the contest.
Blessings,
Anabella
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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This is fiction, right? I think you did a pretty good job of using the given words in this sad story. The story flowed smoothly. Very well written. Good luck in the contest.
Blessings,
Anabella
Comment Written 16-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Yes, it is fiction. Thanks for your comments and support.