Christine's Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 85 "Night stalker"Poems /stories on Fanstory
15 total reviews
Comment from Curly Girly
Oh, this makes for scary reading!
You have quite a few punctuation errors. I have tried to help you:
Late at night, lying on the bed in a hot Caravan[.] [A]nother new place. The window [is] open[,] but no breeze[.] [U]ncovered, reading my book before I turn in. A rustle outside. I stop, listen[.] [N]othing but my imagination working overtime. I continue to read[.] [T]here it is again[:] rustle, rustle[.] I feel the panic rise[.] [W]ho's there outside[?] I'm alone. My throat dries[.] [D]are I look out the window[?] [R]ustle, rustle. I know someone's there[.] [C]old sweat beads on my forehead[.] [M]y heart racing[,] I hold by breath, then I hear his low deep voice[:]
"I know you're there alone[.]"
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2015
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Oh, this makes for scary reading!
You have quite a few punctuation errors. I have tried to help you:
Late at night, lying on the bed in a hot Caravan[.] [A]nother new place. The window [is] open[,] but no breeze[.] [U]ncovered, reading my book before I turn in. A rustle outside. I stop, listen[.] [N]othing but my imagination working overtime. I continue to read[.] [T]here it is again[:] rustle, rustle[.] I feel the panic rise[.] [W]ho's there outside[?] I'm alone. My throat dries[.] [D]are I look out the window[?] [R]ustle, rustle. I know someone's there[.] [C]old sweat beads on my forehead[.] [M]y heart racing[,] I hold by breath, then I hear his low deep voice[:]
"I know you're there alone[.]"
Comment Written 08-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much Curly Girly for your review and help with the punctuation I will correct this ASAP , it's nice to know there are good people to help and this is much appreciated With thanks and Cheers Christine😄
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Christine. Darn it mate I don't have a six or it would be yours mate. You say this is your first attempt, crikey! This is as scary as anything that I've ever read. How creepy would that situation be, eeeekkk! Fabulous little yarn and good luck in the contest. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2015
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G'day Christine. Darn it mate I don't have a six or it would be yours mate. You say this is your first attempt, crikey! This is as scary as anything that I've ever read. How creepy would that situation be, eeeekkk! Fabulous little yarn and good luck in the contest. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 07-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2015
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Thanks Fez for your review and your great comments and rating. Don't need a six it's just fun having a go but thank you anyway. Yes it would be scary. Have just flown to Bali today safe trip 2 weeks holiday oh for some sun. Cheers Christine
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Wow, have a great time. It's the bloody wet season here. I get so tired of rain, but what can we do? Not much, go skinny dipping in the rain LOL.
Comment from Loyd C. Taylor, Sr
Hello good friend. I try take note of anyone who uses my artwork and usually try to come by to say "Hello", and to check out your work.
I think your entry was great and congratulations of a first time frightful write.
Thanks for using it and my best to you in your work. Loyd C. Taylor, Sr.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2015
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Hello good friend. I try take note of anyone who uses my artwork and usually try to come by to say "Hello", and to check out your work.
I think your entry was great and congratulations of a first time frightful write.
Thanks for using it and my best to you in your work. Loyd C. Taylor, Sr.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2015
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Thank you Loyd C Taylor Sr. For your review and I thought your artwork worked very well with my piece Thanks for having it available didn't do too bad for first time Cheers Christine😀
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It was my pleasure.
Might I ask if you get a little extra time, I have several written pieces on Fanstory.com. I would love to have you check my work out when you can. Thanks!
Loyd C. Taylor, Sr.
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I certainly will Loyd Cheers Christine
Comment from TAB_that's me
Great job of writing a story in 100 words. And horror - yes you did that quite well. Good luck in the contest.
~teresa~
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Great job of writing a story in 100 words. And horror - yes you did that quite well. Good luck in the contest.
~teresa~
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thanks Teresa for reading and reviewing my post. I found it fun to have a go and 100 words comes up quickly with thanks for your good wishes and Cheers Christine😃
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You set the tone well in this piece with short phrases. I would consider turning few of those commas into full stops create short terse sentences which could aid in the atmosphere of the piece.
Good stuff
GMG
hot Caravan another new place - caravan followed by a comma may work better here.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Hi there,
You set the tone well in this piece with short phrases. I would consider turning few of those commas into full stops create short terse sentences which could aid in the atmosphere of the piece.
Good stuff
GMG
hot Caravan another new place - caravan followed by a comma may work better here.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you giraffmang for your review and comments. I wrote this late last night so editing was probably needed then but appreciate your suggestions. With thanks and Cheers Christine😄
Comment from Michaelk
Ooo, that was creepy. Setting up the alone and reading a book before going to bed was good planning. You hit on common fear of being alone. You played it well. I loved how you delivered your last line, then left the reader hanging. I like that, being able to fill in your own blanks about what happened.
Excellent work. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go double check the lock on my door.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Ooo, that was creepy. Setting up the alone and reading a book before going to bed was good planning. You hit on common fear of being alone. You played it well. I loved how you delivered your last line, then left the reader hanging. I like that, being able to fill in your own blanks about what happened.
Excellent work. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go double check the lock on my door.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you Michaelk for reading this,and giving me great feedback .I generally don't write stories but though I would give it another try so glad you stopped by. Check locks lol what happens is anyone's guess ha ha.Cheers Christine😃
Comment from pharp
For your first attempt my dear, you captured my attention from beginning to the ending. You did an amazing job in writing this horror story and the ending was perfect. Best wishes in the contest and thanks for sharing. Portia
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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For your first attempt my dear, you captured my attention from beginning to the ending. You did an amazing job in writing this horror story and the ending was perfect. Best wishes in the contest and thanks for sharing. Portia
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Thank you Portia for your review and great support glad you liked it and appreciate your good wishes. Short sharp and hopefully spooky lol Cheers Christine😀
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello Chrissy,
~Night stalker~ a very creepy short story. Good job keeping a story with a beginning, a middle and an end in only100 words.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Hello Chrissy,
~Night stalker~ a very creepy short story. Good job keeping a story with a beginning, a middle and an end in only100 words.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Hi Gypsy Rose, once again Thank you for reading this and for your great comments yes it was a challenge but hopefully made the grade alway fun trying With thanks and Cheers Christine😄
Comment from Amy Greta
Your first attempt at a scary story is excellent! I love how you conveyed the setting: so hot that the window's open, but no breeze (so it could not be the wind making the rustling noises) and then "uncovered" ...I think it's a very common fear: sleeping without a blanket or sheet....exposed (like a sheet is going to protect you:) )...it's still unnerving. Then, "about to turn in" meaning it's DARK outside! Perfect way to set the scene in so few, well chosen, words. The first reaction, denial, it's my imagination. Finally, you described the surge of panic so accurately: cold sweat beads, heart beat, hold breath, and....the truth! You are not alone.
I love it!
Amy
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Your first attempt at a scary story is excellent! I love how you conveyed the setting: so hot that the window's open, but no breeze (so it could not be the wind making the rustling noises) and then "uncovered" ...I think it's a very common fear: sleeping without a blanket or sheet....exposed (like a sheet is going to protect you:) )...it's still unnerving. Then, "about to turn in" meaning it's DARK outside! Perfect way to set the scene in so few, well chosen, words. The first reaction, denial, it's my imagination. Finally, you described the surge of panic so accurately: cold sweat beads, heart beat, hold breath, and....the truth! You are not alone.
I love it!
Amy
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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thanks so much Amy I an glad you loved this piece I enjoyed writing it and tried to make it as realistic as I could. The ending is anyone's guess lol . With appreciation for your great review Cheers Christine😊
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Christine...
_ Picture perfect story.
_ Yes, I'm alone----oooh----not!
_ Great entry for the contest.
_ Good luck.
>> Delete space between 1st rustle and comma
_ is again rustle[],rustle, I feel
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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Hi, Christine...
_ Picture perfect story.
_ Yes, I'm alone----oooh----not!
_ Great entry for the contest.
_ Good luck.
>> Delete space between 1st rustle and comma
_ is again rustle[],rustle, I feel
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 04-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2015
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thank you very much Jax for your comments ,thought I would delve into this style and have a go, deleted the space thanks for that and who knows what lol Cheers Christine😃