2015 Haiku
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "Haiku ( picky butterfly )"A collection of haiku I wrote in 2015
5 total reviews
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your 5-7-5 poem this afternoon. As a 5-7-5, the poem is well written; however, there are some problems with it being haiku. Please let me explain.
You poem is haiku complaint in some areas as follows. It is within the allowable syllable count of 17 and has a satori line. The poem has avoided unnecessary capitalization and punctuation and is written in present tense.
Haiku requires two grammatically connected sentences juxtapositioning two concrete images. The poem's first two lines are stand along. In other words, they are not grammatically connected. Additionally, there is only one concrete image, butterfly. The other image, capricious diva, is somewhat abstract.
Haiku are to capture an observable moment in time. I do not sense the capturing of an observable moment in time in the two lines. Rather, I sense more of a desk haiku. Desk haiku is when a poet projects himself into the poem based on what he thinks is going on. The personification of nature by alluding to the butterfly as 'picky' and as 'a capricious diva' tend to magnify the desk haikuism at work.
With all due respect, I sensed I was reading a senyru rather than haiku. Were it not for the appended photos, I would not have realized you were referencing a butterfly. I initially assumed you were using it as well as capricious diva to describe a woman, a new star.
If you make edits, please let me know and I'll be glad to return and review again.
Respectfully,
Ray
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Good Afternoon, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your 5-7-5 poem this afternoon. As a 5-7-5, the poem is well written; however, there are some problems with it being haiku. Please let me explain.
You poem is haiku complaint in some areas as follows. It is within the allowable syllable count of 17 and has a satori line. The poem has avoided unnecessary capitalization and punctuation and is written in present tense.
Haiku requires two grammatically connected sentences juxtapositioning two concrete images. The poem's first two lines are stand along. In other words, they are not grammatically connected. Additionally, there is only one concrete image, butterfly. The other image, capricious diva, is somewhat abstract.
Haiku are to capture an observable moment in time. I do not sense the capturing of an observable moment in time in the two lines. Rather, I sense more of a desk haiku. Desk haiku is when a poet projects himself into the poem based on what he thinks is going on. The personification of nature by alluding to the butterfly as 'picky' and as 'a capricious diva' tend to magnify the desk haikuism at work.
With all due respect, I sensed I was reading a senyru rather than haiku. Were it not for the appended photos, I would not have realized you were referencing a butterfly. I initially assumed you were using it as well as capricious diva to describe a woman, a new star.
If you make edits, please let me know and I'll be glad to return and review again.
Respectfully,
Ray
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the detail review and feedback.
Comment from hannahorion
This poem conforms to Haiku format: Title: Picky Butterfly. The subject is "picky butterfly you're a capricious diva" the Observation is "a new star is born" . The word capricious means to undergo a change. We know that metamorphosis is the change that all butterflies go through. "Divas" are also said to be changeable and will do anything to get what they want. Hence we see that the butterfly is "picky" as a diva would be. "Divas" are also performers or "stars". Hence as the butterfly is born so too is the Diva (a new star) is born. The link is complete. This poem demonstrates real genius in the choice of words and certainly inspiration. I gave it five stars.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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This poem conforms to Haiku format: Title: Picky Butterfly. The subject is "picky butterfly you're a capricious diva" the Observation is "a new star is born" . The word capricious means to undergo a change. We know that metamorphosis is the change that all butterflies go through. "Divas" are also said to be changeable and will do anything to get what they want. Hence we see that the butterfly is "picky" as a diva would be. "Divas" are also performers or "stars". Hence as the butterfly is born so too is the Diva (a new star) is born. The link is complete. This poem demonstrates real genius in the choice of words and certainly inspiration. I gave it five stars.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Wow! Thank you very much for the awesome and detail review. I really appreciate your feedback.
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You are welcome.
Comment from Glasstruth
Divas are egotistical, but are butterflies? Who knows. I love their colors, and on a summer day it's just a delight to see such beauty. The word: "diva" is used in a most unusual way. Well crafted. Les
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Divas are egotistical, but are butterflies? Who knows. I love their colors, and on a summer day it's just a delight to see such beauty. The word: "diva" is used in a most unusual way. Well crafted. Les
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Thank you Les :)
Comment from Amy Greta
Beautiful image and interesting words.
"Picky" seems a simple word, like a child being a picky eater, possibly symbolic of a young butterfly (caterpillar) before its change.
Then "capricious" a more sophisticated word, like when a butterfly comes out of its cocoon; thus the star being born.
I could be way off, but that's how I interpret your insightful and elegant haiku.
Amy
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Beautiful image and interesting words.
"Picky" seems a simple word, like a child being a picky eater, possibly symbolic of a young butterfly (caterpillar) before its change.
Then "capricious" a more sophisticated word, like when a butterfly comes out of its cocoon; thus the star being born.
I could be way off, but that's how I interpret your insightful and elegant haiku.
Amy
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Thank you Amy, you interpreted well :)
Comment from Clover77
Such beautiful images to accompany such a beautiful poem. Well done anonymous author, well done. Good luck on future works!
~Julia
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Such beautiful images to accompany such a beautiful poem. Well done anonymous author, well done. Good luck on future works!
~Julia
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Thank you Julia :)